Misc Peni

This post is dedicated to penises, peni..? peniseses? Ok first I need to figure out the plural for penis I guess. This post is also dedicated to Mike Skira and Ryan in case they have any doubts that Americans are oversexed barbarians roaming around until they find a piece to drag back to their cave with them. (No no I know that SOME of us arent that bad, but I am, and I can only speak for myself, and a few friends who dont know what the net is yet)

I really just want to sort of 'celebrate' the diversity of penis and the owners of them. I wanted to make some things Ive noticed over the years apparent and common knowledge for others who may be seeking out information on the never elusive penis. If this is wrong, well then its not really wrong, it just wasnt your penis I was gaping at. Deal with it and let me fantasize. I am going to use the word Peni, to indicate plural peniseses, because it sounds cool to me.

This article will describe the many different types of Peni along with their corresponding personality types from MY experience.

Bent mid Penis types of Peni - The owner of the bent penis is normally extroverted moreso then any other types of peni. This type of penis (in its aroused state) stands at full attention... except for at the bend. Around mid penis, regardless of length, it has its own angle. Not a horrific angle, not like 90 degrees or anything.... just .. bent. Kind of like the leaning tower of peni... pisa. The owners of these types of peni are the life of parties, the quickest to suggest strip poker, or hell, just the quickest to strip and force everyone into watching them in all their bent glory. They are also the proudest of peni owners and the quickest to produce them at parties should a warning go up that is 'calling all peni'.

Proud Curve Peni - The proud curve peni is magnificent in all its beauty. It stands proudly, just not quite straight. It is the penis that slightly curves back towards its owner, which is one and the same with curving into all the right places once placed where it truly feels at home. Be cautious though of the owner of such proud and perfectly shaped peni. They harbor issues, perhaps not serious ones, but issues nonetheless that can be hidden behind the glory of the peni they own. While you are admiring the penis, they may be admiring new ways to suck you in to believing they are completely normal guys with great shaped peni.

The Hidden Penis - These peni are also to be appreciated... by someone. They might not have any special curves, or a beautiful countenance, but they are worthy peni just the same. Although this type of peni tends to retract, fully, inside of the body when not aroused, they can illicit a 'ooooh, ahhhh' type of response when reaching arousal. "oooooh - there it is!" "ahhh, we just might have a game after all folks!" Most men with the hidden penis are great guys, kind, good hearted and always willing to help a friend in need. They are concerned with the feelings of everyone around them, and go out of their way, sometimes subjecting themselves to pain, just to ease the suffering of another.

The "normal" penis - Well thank the heavens for the "normal" penis owner. Without them even the other peni might get a little boring. Most owners of the "normal" penis are in fact, quite normal. With one exception. They are almost always the guys who stand around, hands on hips, in Super Hero position proclaiming for the world that they in fact, have the largest penis known to man. Of course its not true, but its oh so entertaining. They are introverted at all the right times, and extroverted when given alcholic drinks. Even all the bragging about the worlds largest penis residing in their pants is just in good fun. Usually they calm down before the end of the night and admit to being just "normal" sized.

Good Lord Gargantuan - Ok these guys really blow me away. I have never seen the owner of a Gargantuan show any indication of having a third arm in their pants. They are confident, yes, but do not brag. In fact, you MAY know the owner of a Gargantuan, and just not know it. They fairly ooze sexuality, and tend to have an aura about them that just makes you want to screw, even if you arent sure why. They can be heard to utter "Dear god, its a curse" or "Dont tell your friends... please" when in the company of a close female friend. But if you are waiting for them to just stand on your kitchen table and go "Hey ladies, check this out" before they release the gargantuan and put a hole in your kitchen table... this aint gonna happen. The owners of Gargantuans are private people. Why? For fucks sake I have no idea. If they only knew.... or... maybe they do.
I had an odd experience with a Gargantuan. I had a friend for about 10 years, one night in my car I hear this thumping noise. And I assume he is just beating the inside of my car door with his fist. So, I glance over....... DEAR GOD WTF IS THAT? It was damned near 14 inches long and came real close to being the size of one of my own arms.....I was gasping, and laughing, when I said... jesus dave, where the fuck did you get that? Its mine, was his reply. Well I know that... but I mean, how come Ive known you for ten years and never knew you had gear like that???? The response...."Oh, I dunno, just never thought to show you I guess" That is the Gargantuan personality to the dime.

Oh the pain~!

The pain of not having an internet connection for the first time in nearly 10 years is almost shattering!

Nevertheless I should be around a bit more and even will go so far as to post from the houses of the few people I actually know locally that know the net :D
Its quite barbaric here..

Sex for life

Am I the only person who finds sex to be a physically nessecary activity? I constantly hear people saying they want to have sex, they would like to have sex etc. No, I NEED to have sex.

Give me 3 days without sex and I start to get frustrated. I stutter, get clumsy, begin to feel like I need a bottle of xanax just to get through each day. I get annoyed easy and those who have come to know me even recognize it. Its become somewhat of a running joke around my crowd that when I trip over my words as well as small rocks or bottle caps on the ground that I must not have had sex lately.

I guess its a little funny, except when you imagine that most experts predict a woman is at her sexual peak at around 35.

Dear lord... its going to get worse?

Jason Mulgrew

If you are looking for something to read Id like to suggest checking out Mulgrews web log. If you have the same sick twisted demented sense of humor I do then Id suggest reading.

www.jasonmulgrew.com
or just click the post title!

I post this for 3 reasons.

1. He made me do it.
2. He really is good. A bit pushy and douchebaggish but very, very good.
3. It is hard to find a good safe entertaining site for work. And this one doesnt have pictures/sounds/flickering lights that will get you in attention/trouble.

I cant remember who's log I got this site from so long ago. But thank you to whoever provided it. It has given me hours of fun and relaxation.. and more then a couple times caused me to spew alcoholic beverages in one form or another onto my monitor. Thats just good fun.

Always and Never

Sometimes, life brings you to your knees.
Sometimes you get up.
Sometimes you just lay there and take it.

Sometimes, life is hard to swallow.
Sometimes you can choke it down, barely getting it past the lump thats been in your throat for days, weeks, years.
Sometimes you give up trying to choke it down and just move on, blindly, in slow motion, and in solitude.

Sometimes, you tell yourself you cant take it anymore.
Sometimes you hate your own strength, sometimes you want to walk away from yourself.
Then you take it, and take it some more.

Sometimes all you feel is pain.
Sometimes you can stuff it down, tuck it away.
Sometimes it tucks you away, stuffs you down, consumes you.

Sometimes, its not what is said or done to you.
Sometimes its what you do to yourself.
You want, you need, the pain to stop.
But the pain reminds you of what you really are.
The pain reminds you to keep cleansing your soul.

Some people wash their hands of you.
I wash my soul of you.

Concerns

Thanks for all the comments and concerns about my short afk. I seemed to have gotten stuck in bfe and couldnt get out and back to my DSL modem that I love so much. Ive got a lot of catching up to do on a lot of blogs but with the DSL reunion having occured... as people tend to say around here.. "Its on"

I just wanted to share a thought that I had last week when something ugly happened.

"Concerns that are not given a voice are soon turned into regrets."

Believe that, its truth.

Dude, I found my truck~

Well I found out what happened to it. The night before I got on the plane apparently my cousin had given me a couple of strong xanax to calm my nerves before I boarded. Well, it seems I got overanxious and took them right away. I called him from a friends house having apparently lost the ability to drive or use most other essential motor functions, so he picked me up. Well the trick worked really because not only do I not remember getting on the plane to head to Orlando, but I dont remember purchasing a vodka and grapefruit juice at the bar in Atlanta's airport where I had a layover. Wtf, I fuckin hate vodka, and grapefruit juice? Lol try getting me to drink that shit when I have more then one brain cell firing.

I was SURE that I left it at my dads house, which is why I was entirely shocked when he said, "uh, no Joy, you came back and got it that night dont you remember?"

No Dad, no I dont.

I got it back though, but I bet there was 3 weeks of hell on someone having to stare at my truck and couldnt use it. Damn carless people around here.

Whew~

Ok so I got back last week early after a slightly eventful take off into a storm that delayed our layover flights out of Atlanta. Got home, finally got my lost luggage back and got the PC from Bedford where there is currently no net connection and drug it to Roanoke to spend time with my DSL modem. So WB me and Im off to work up my vehicle story.

Yes I did find it.

YAY WENN N STACEY

Going to go to bar tomorrow night, and meet two more net friends Ive known for more then 5 years now on Sunday. Going to spend the day with them in Daytona! Getting on the plane Monday early afternoon. Last post! Im headed home after wrapping up the best part of vacation!

Blog @ u later!

In memory of Scot 'Escoses' Goodridge

For 5 years I played a game called Everquest. I made many friends along the way, and more then a couple of enemies. I was a leader of sorts on the game, so both were to be expected. I had a conflict with a couple of characters about a year ago. On Feb 25th I resolved that bitter conflict with one of those characters through my instant messenger. On March the 4th he was killed in a car accident. Ive spent this time going over how to honor another gift I was given in this matter. The gift of understanding and compassion. The second character I had the conflict was a good friend to this person who was killed last week. The second I seen her log onto my instant messenger I took a deep breath, swallowed stupid pride, and offered her the comfort only one who had suffered a similar loss can.

How close I came.. days close, to having to suffer the guilt once again of unsettled anger. How hard the lessons of guilt are already on my soul. Whatever powers that be spared me this time, and for that I appreciate.

I hope some of my post on the earlier part of my blog offered Shayla comfort. And Im sure if she reads this, or even Dan does, they will know the meaning behind it.

Almost too late

We didnt always get along
We didnt always agree
But everytime the night got hard
You were there for me

We talked a lot
About you and me
And the things that made us alike
Then in the end
It was those same things
That caused us lasting strife

But here I am to honor you
And comfort those who cared
And in the end nothing else matters
Then the few moments we shared

When asked why and how and what
How could I set her soul at ease?
But I cast off anger and did what was right
So I could tell her 'see?'

It was because of my own loss
that I felt it was fair
To ignore the anger of a year ago
And prove that I was there.

I hope your soul will rest in peace
Perhaps it was your spirit
That gave mine the needed shove
But I want you to know
that yes indeed
She will be loved.

Fuck the birds!!

Fuck birds.

One woke me up this morning at around 10:30 am. Screeching.. .over and over and over. Had I been at home, I would have got up, thrown the window up, and gave that bird a nice "SHUT THE FUCK UP"

As it is, I had to just get up.

Fuck birds. Unless they are parrots, I have nothing for them.

Dude...Where is my truck?

Apparently the night before I got on the plane I also had a tad too much to drink. I THOUGHT my truck was left in front of my dads house but my dad said I picked it up later that night.

Hmm, well when I get back to Roanoke I have a small mystery to solve.

Damn drinking......

Seriously, Ive lost my own vehicle. Thats terrible!

Damnit to hell!

Hungover
Again
Argh!

Huff Huff Huff

Damn
Tampa Bay was beautiful but DAMN driving wears your ass out.

Off to Bar Orlando in a few!! The Perfect Saturday Night Hot Spot!!

Survey I found on Shannons blog

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Joy
Birthday:	September 20th
Birthplace:	Roanoke Va
Current Location:	Orlando Fl
Eye Color:	Multi colored
Hair Color:	Red
Height:	5 foot 3
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	Irish/Scottish
The Shoes You Wore Today:	None
Your Weakness:	Smoking
Your Fears:	None
Your Perfect Pizza:	Xtra Pepperoni and Onions
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	A good job
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	WTF
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Im hungry
Your Best Physical Feature:	My arse
Your Bedtime:	Right before the sun comes up
Your Most Missed Memory:	Riding around on lunchbreak with Ben
Pepsi or Coke:	Coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds, though I hate them both
Single or Group Dates:	Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:	Yes
Do you Swear:	Incredible amounts
Do you Sing:	Never, I dont want to kill people
Do you Shower Daily:	Yes
Have you Been in Love:	Its possible but Im never quite sure
Do you want to go to College:	Yes, er, I mean I did already
Do you want to get Married:	No, never again
Do you belive in yourself:	Yes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	No
Are you a Health Freak:	No
Do you get along with your Parents:	Occasionally
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	I used to
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Yes
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	No
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No
In the past month have you been on Stage:	No
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	Yes
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes
Ever been Beaten up:	Yes, but only by weak men
Ever Shoplifted:	Yes
How do you want to Die:	In my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	I dont want to grow up
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Green
Favourite Hair Color:	Dark brown or black
Short or Long Hair:	Long
Height:	5 foot 8 or so
Weight:	160 +
Best Clothing Style:	Causal
Number of Drugs I have taken:	All of them except Xtasy
Number of CDs I own:	None now the ex took them
Number of Piercings:	4, ears only
Number of Tattoos:	Jesus... a lot
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	None
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

New Endings

Well

Even on Vacation there is bound to be someone who trys to fuck things up. So here I was sitting wondering where my alcoholic ex had been hiding himself and he popped up again today. Of course it was only to tell me he had tried to kill himself. He had sent me an email declaring he would days ago. Then disappeared so I would worry and not enjoy the vacation.

I do miss him, even through the abuse its hard not to miss someone you spent so much of your life with, but that part of my life is over. After he ,of course, blamed his attempted suicide on me I decided then it was time to break it for good. I asked a family member to file the divorce for me and get him to sign it, and that the day I came back I would sign it as well and make it official. My divorce is paid for and will be awaiting my pleasure upon my return.

In the words of my ex who does read my blog, because of course he MUST have new shit to toss in my face:

dragon: go sock some puerto rican cock

Ok Im assuming sock means suck and I understand the rest... so my reply to him is:

Why thank you sir, I think I just may do that.

Good Bye Doug and Good Riddance!!

My Girl!!

Welp, I found Kelley tonight. Went out, played some pool, drank some beers with her. It was the first time Ive cried out of joy in a loong time, it might have been the first time Ive ever cried just because I was seeing or meeting someone. Incredible shit. Everyone should experience that at least once.

When we finally found time to stop hugging each other we got a couple pics. Ooops, well we were hugging in those too but Ill get those up asap!

Amazing~!

****Picture of Kelley and I is in my Flickr Album!!! We were SOOO happy to meet each other.. can never forget that. Oh and Ill be back to spend more time with her VERY soon!!! (Oh and I looked horrible because the allergies had already smeared my make up off my face hours before, but I was happy so I didnt care!!)****

Boobies

I have seen more breast since arriving in Orlando last Thursday then Ive ever seen in my life.

Life is kind, sometimes. And what the ever loving hell???? Everyone here is so hot its unreal. I feel so...average. But thats fine, thats a world better then having people call you the devil, which tends to get you more attention then you want.

I have seen one redhead since Ive been here. And that was in a club with 600 people. DEAR GOD, THEY ARE BREEDING US OUT.

Lost and Found

Damn its about time but I finally got in touch with Kelley. She is still about 200 miles from me but damnit if Ill go back to Va without seeing and hugging her.

I cant wait!!!

Bar

Had a killer time last night in downtown Orlando. Its been a long time since I was in a club that big. It was called Bar Orlando and the atmosphere was killer. Thanks BIG TIME to Mike for showing me one of the best times Ive had in a few years.

This really is a great city.

Florida

Hungover

Thats all I can say at the moment.


Ugghh

Vacation!!!!

Today will be the last post I make until I get to Florida and can get on my friends PC there.

I will be grabbing a plane from Roanoke Airport and flying with a layover in Atlanta, to Orlando Florida!!

Hope everyone takes care and Ill see ya when Im in Florida!~~~

Bike week, Key West, and then off to Amsterdam~~~~


Ill bring you all something back :P

I wanted to leave you with a excerpt of a lyric from one of my old favorite songs. Its got a lot of meaning within it, but it can be different for each person.

If you feel alive
In a darkened room
Do you know the name
of your solitude?

If you aint got the answers
If you dont know the truth
If you want the power
Then let it flow through.

Would you let it go?
Would you let it go?
They cannot end this mourning of my life...
Show me how the Gods kill.

I

Beer, party, tired.
Weak, sleepy, liquor.
How did I get to here?

Yawning, restless, awake.
Beaded sweat, thirsty, no.
Grinding, throbbing, pulse.

Quit feeding me, I must drink the juice alone.



*No idea wtf*

Lost Terrell Owens Head - Update

Well, last night I got to find out the fate of the Head at hand. Terrell Owens head, a sports figurine head that I took off with a 9 iron, and purposefully left at Kts so that Cd would see it and know how I felt about him and his little game.

Kt said that Cd had come over the other night. Ok touchy situation here but I had to ask.

"Did he see the head?"
"I dont know"
"Well I know one thing, had he seen that head, you would have known"
Lots of laughter from Kt.
"Where is it?"
"Its over there on the dresser, I was trying to get his helmet off yesterday"

Rofl

Ok, we are both very evil evil people.

Powerstruggle 201 - Train the Trainer

Really, what is it about me that has made every man Ive ever been with long term, meaning 2 years or more, want to power struggle with me. Tip the scales, break me down, gain advantage, gain control and overrule me?

I know one thing, there is nothing about the way I treat anyone, like or dislike, that makes it seem like a good idea or thing to do.

I have no idea why the ego mania power struggle. I do not try to 'rule' anyone or anything, besides myself nor do I expect anyone to try to dictate to me anything.

In light of the above, I, with the help of a friend whom I will be seeing in Florida in ONE WEEK NOW!@!@! I figured out that it likely is the free roaming nature of just running off to Florida for 20 days, that perhaps, intimidated Cd to become what he apparently is now. I dont think my judgement was that off. I think something bothered him. That seems like it to me. So hes paying me back, I guess he took it personal.

But to be honest, there is still only one man I actually married, so if anyone on earth I felt I had to listen to it would still only be to the one I promised to love, honor and obey. That just because of the fact that even though I am quite godless, or free of organized religon, I did take those vows seriously. To the bitter end.

So what makes guys want to control a chick? Change her, break her spirit etc, take away from her what they loved about her the most to begin with? I truly want to understand. This isnt a ME, issue. I didnt just watch it done to me, but to likely at least a hundred female relatives or friends as well. It IS a pattern there I believe.

3 Odd Links

I wanted to post 3 links I have saved to my I.E. Fav's. Sometimes I dont even remember how they got there but they are usually always good.


Bless you
http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2005-01-28&res=l

Charlie Daniels - Disturbing, Has sound
http://www.charliedaniels.com/

GIS - Scares the hell out of those "They are watching us" fanatics
http://gis.roanokegov.com/viewer.cfm?Title=City%20of%20Roanoke

I can find any house in Roanoke using this system. A friend once doubted it when I told him on the phone and I was like "So who's red truck is that out there in your driveway" Hes one of those out to get us peeps too. Scared the fuck out of him.

Jokers to the right...

I didnt hear back from Cd today. But as I was sitting here reading and posting in various blogs around the net, I seen his truck go up the damn street! That was at around 11:30 pm or so.

Jokers, stalkers, whatever...

Lol cant men just say wtf they want? Does it always have to be game?

Cocaine Drama

[21:34] Joy: dudes are so criminal and shit
[21:34]  : dont give me that shit!
[21:34] Joy: lmao
[21:35] Joy: they are man
[21:35] Joy: dude is evil
[21:35]  : women suck!
[21:35] Joy: he says.. cory asked who gave me a ride to work today...
[21:35] Joy: i was like uhh.. umm... yeah?? he said far as he knows kelly took me
[21:35] Joy: i was all .. oooh.. damn thanks love u. kkthx2u
[21:35] Joy: meat stick wins
[21:35]  : i cant believe you talked to her though
[21:35] Joy: yeah a lot
[21:36]  : why
[21:36]  : alot
[21:36] Joy: cuz of all the coke prolly
[21:36]  : your a traitor
[21:36] Joy: lies dude
[21:36] Joy: i did not traitorize u
[21:36] Joy: im the only person there that didnt u fewl
[21:36] Joy: lil bitch
[21:36] Joy: i should have now
[21:36]  : everyones fucking traitors
[21:37]  : i dont care
[21:37] Joy: lies
[21:37]  : im used to it
[21:37] Joy: i had no reason to traitortize u
[21:37] Joy: i told her all i knew about u i knew from talking to you myself.. so she coudnt really tell me much that i didnt know.. that i wanted to know
[21:37] Joy: u c
[21:37] Joy: it kind of shut her up and made her all jealous at once
[21:37] Joy: im the reason she called u u bastard
[21:37]  : but you coulda smacked her
[21:37]  : or something hostile
[21:37] Joy: dude
[21:38] Joy: i was hostile to her a bit
[21:38] Joy: she was all... tryin to . .i dunno
[21:38] Joy: game over me
[21:38] Joy: u know what i mean?
[21:38]  : no
[21:38]  : lol
[21:38] Joy: shes like..
[21:38] Joy: im all smart etc etc ble ble.. women are highly intimidated by women older then them
[21:38] Joy: so she was already lookin fewlish just talkin the shit to me
[21:38]  : wtf lol
[21:38] Joy: damn man. ok
[21:38] Joy: game rules
[21:38] Joy: women rule
[21:39] Joy: women older then you rule you
[21:39] Joy: that is all
[21:39]  : i know this
[21:39] Joy: ok so
[21:39] Joy: game was
[21:39]  : shes a year younger than me
[21:39]  : and she needs to grow up
[21:39] Joy: she all tried to talk to me as if.. and i was like.. no way, i know what i know and i dont wanna hear your side.. yo
[21:39]  : im not messing with younger girls anymore
[21:39] Joy: and then it was like.. oh.. no.. she pwned me
[21:39] Joy: see
[21:40] Joy: she didnt talk to me much after that
[21:40]  : but she fucked me over you shoulda smakced her
[21:40]  : your my friend!
[21:40] Joy: hahah
[21:40]  : dude
[21:40]  : really
[21:40] Joy: dude.. i havent even seen u on here in years
[21:40]  : she threatened to throw my shit out on the street
[21:41] Joy: she did try to pwn u and i shut her the fuck up
[21:41] Joy: no shit
[21:41]  : she called me like....you dont get this shit out tonight its on the street
[21:41] Joy: well see i didnt know wtf happened.. i might have smacked her had i known that shit
[21:41] Joy: i would have at least raged
[21:42] Joy: dude.. had i known she threw your shit out id have said something
[21:42] Joy: cuz at least even pecker neck didnt toss my shit
[21:42] Joy: u gotta talk to a motherfucker every now and then if you want your old bitches slapped yo
[21:42] Joy: stupid
[21:43] Joy: i already wanted to slap her
[21:43] Joy: a reason would have been grand
[21:43]  : well
[21:43]  : lets seeeeee
[21:43]  : she tells me to get the fuck out one day, 2 days later some gay guy and his roomate move in with her
[21:43] Joy: lmao
[21:43] Joy: wasnt dave was it
[21:43]  : she calls me telling me to get my shit out cause they need the room
[21:43]  : no
[21:43] Joy: cuz that dude had a LOT of coke
[21:44]  : see
[21:44]  : thats what i mean
[21:44]  : they are all fucked up
[21:44] Joy: he gave me so much coke i fixed my pc
[21:44] Joy: so i have to give that dude props
[21:44]  : dave has owed jp money for like a year for $100 LD phone bill
[21:44] Joy: lmao
[21:44]  : jp's been talking shit about him too
[21:44] Joy: well he gave him about 1k in coke that i seen
[21:45]  : they all just talk shit about each other
[21:45] Joy: lmao
[21:45] Joy: ld phone bill
[21:45] Joy: cocaine
[21:45] Joy: all of its hilarious
[21:45]  : wtf is jp gonna do with coke
[21:45]  : he wont even smoke weed
[21:45] Joy: lol
[21:45] Joy: yea.. he does
[21:45] Joy: and from the angle i was sitting
[21:46] Joy: looked like he put it in his nose
[21:46] Joy: but i could be wrong
[21:46] Joy: he could have been eating it

Mmm Candy

This one kills me. I joke about it, say it all the time. I wish I had a bag of these fucking things and I dont even like the taste.

Clowns to the left of me

Well Cd called and the phone ringing woke me up. Apparently I didnt answer it fast enough for him. So no speaky. Im laying 5 dollars on him driving to Kt's to call me from there because he knows Ill answer that one.

I actually did answer this one too, just after staring at it for a sec, pondering answering it, and by the time I did he hung up :p


Dancing to 'Stuck in the Middle'

Happy V Day ~

Im enjoying it so far. Alone :)

My Cousin Mick~

I just have to make this post for my cousin Mick that just left. Mick is by blood my first cousin. That doesnt sound odd to you unless you were adopted as an infant as I was. Around a year old. But from the age of 5 living down the street from me was Chris. And Chris had an older sister named Lynn. Well, for years Mick and Lynn dated. An old best friend of mine Cathy had a thing for Mick sometime back. He was in a serious wreck and she used to tell me of going to visit him and etc. Hes always been around, we have all the same friends. When I say Kt.. well he knows everything about me in such a short time. It is amazing. I am completely living proof that DNA dominates over environment everytime. I was raised in a different more scrict upbringing. Deep christian values were in the house, just not in my mind. I dislike organized religion in every since.
About 4 months ago now I think, I was at Kt's one night when Mick came by. We both knew we were out there, both as I had said, had the same friends. Shared the same close friend in Kt as in Cathy as well. I knew it was him, without even remembering having seen him before. All those years the common friends, the long term girlfriend who lived 3 houses down from mine since I was 5.. we never met. Until Kt's that night 4 months ago.
Even though we didnt really introduce ourselves (we normally dont we are rude I suppose), he was leaving and said his phone number to Kt. I knew the number, it was my Aunt Frances number. The only person I had managed to stay in contact with after the death of my biological mother whom everyone knew as Bug. I spoke up to him then and told him I knew who's number that was. He said "You must be my cousin." I said I thought so.
We share everything about each other with each other. We were working together, but even since then have talked on the phone in long conversations just bullshitting. I know Dal would hate to hear it but Mick is the biggest reason Ive stayed so strong there too. He makes me stronger as a person. Challenges me to challenge myself with things. Never my judge, never my debtor. Ive done shit I never thought Id do. Openly talk to someone about how I felt about them. Being more straight forward. Its hard to imagine myself needing to be, but sometimes its true. Hes already covered my back and watched out for me in this short time then any person ever has. Ive done the same for him.
I appreciate. So I share.
If you do anything for anyone on Valentines day, let them know you appreciate them. In any way. It doesnt matter at all. Taking the time to commend someone on their being, is an amazing feeling. Having someone around that you can bounce anything off of anytime is something to be taken never for granted. For the couples just enjoy each other. And for the single people, well enjoy everybody :p

What the hell V 4.0

Ok. Cd. He still hasnt called me. Thats fine. No closure. FINE. He should have gotten the snail mail yesterday, or maybe tomorrow. But thats ok. I wont answer now if he does call. Now its a battle of wits and strength. Now I get it. Sadly, I will win this one. I hope he seriously hasnt been 'testing' me because he failed miserably, and I suffered lightly.

Ok its not. Its bullshit. I dont care if hes seeing someone else. I dont care if he just thinks Im a crazy bitch whom he doesnt want to speak to again. But GFDIT how do you just do that to someone. Ill tell you. Immaturity. Pay attention Joy! Im learning ok... trying. The only way you can leave someone hanging like that is to have never experienced the loss of someone important to you. Even if you experienced it, you didnt learn from it. Either way. Immaturity. I feel greatful I guess. Im not usually lucky enough to spot the immaturity before the relationship begins. Im damn glad now we didnt cloud up the learning experience of the relationship with sex.

If I need sex, I know where to go. I dont have to attach myself to someone immature just to satisfy a physical need.

gg2me

The Canadian EQ Crew

God I started missing some of the people I played EQ with. We had a group of Canadians, Serafrym, Dulby and a couple of others. Damn but I miss Sera. Even though I was guild leader and tells/private messages were truly a pain in the ass 90% of the time. Sera never ceased to have me rolling.

Click the link for the entire archive page, but this one I had to share right off.






And just remember

I promised

Ok so Ive promised several people several times I would take some recent photos. Get a few more shots of the tattoo's. So here goes a few. The back piece has to wait, I cant see my own back very well, even opposed to what my ex said about me being possessed. I still cant see it with a mirror.

Thought I would share the happy eyes I had today. I dont get them often. And yes, most people tell me I look like Im up to something all the time. Im not... not 100% of the time.




Ok this is the tattoo I have on my upper left breast. Even though you STILL cant see it well, crappy dig cam. It is a black rose that is morphing into a dragon. The stem becoming a tail as it curls up into scales from thorns.



This is the Ankh I have on my ankle



This is proof of previous post of the tattoo that is forever hidden under my hair :p



And the next two are ridiculous looking me, starting to look old but still feel like a 14 year old, and act like it sometimes.

Wet from the shower when I started this post.



Drying out and wrapping this up.



I guess the last pic is almost a look of self satisfaction. Never fear, I dont expect it to last.

Pssst! Secret

When I was around 17 or so I had shaved the sides of my head. Well my hair was always so long that when it hung down you couldnt tell I had half my hair shaved off. But as a Tattoo/Art lover I figured hey, all my art so far are things I feel represent me, roses and dragons etc. But I thought to myself, well, how about a tattoo on the head. At the time I had went from being a number #1 Metallica die hard fan. Then they flipped up on me and started singing like choir boys. So I fell back to my old reliable, Samhain buddy Glen Danzig for some inspirational musical art.



Yep, that is tattoo'd on the left side of my skull. Sure, sometimes it freaks out the hair dressers. But when I do get old and my hair starts thinning, I bet my grandchildren will just love it.

Fellow Bloggers of the Round Table

Click the link.

If you are interested in being added as a blogger on this site please email me your email @ dragoncave@msn.com

I will be doing some major tweaking including neato tags for those who blog there.

Any ideas will help, suggestions?

Angry Nice Guy & Me

Lol dont take this offensively but I known how you have been having a great time lately, and while not being willing to give up that good time, from time to time having self doubts.

But I must say, the night before last I did something I NEVER, EVER, believed I would ever do. I cant help but sit here grinning like a moron about it. It involves a fantasy most humans have, whether they admit it or not. I cant even bring myself to type it, but I know I have some seriously intelligent bloggers around here.

In the end, it meets the suggestion I gave to you if you feel you are getting a bit too attached to your girl. Im not the type to give biblical or sometimes even moralistic advice. But Id advise you to try it, just to get a break from the stress.
I now regret having knocked T.O.'s head off, but only because doing what I did the night before last, definately means that Im not missing anything in Cd.

Anyone got any idea what I may have done??

My Name and what it means

J	Juicy
O	Orderly
Y	Young
R	Radiant
L	Little
Y	Yummy
N	Normal
S	Skillful
K	Kind
E	Elitist
Y	Young

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Hows this sound?

Instead of the spammer who wrote the thing about the blog off on some of our blogs... Id like to ask if anyone is interested in making a someone community for the bloggers who frequent all of ours.

It seems an easy way to get to one blog addy if have to format. That way everyone you blog with can easily add you again.

I think another plus is that sometimes we want to crawl out of our lil blog holes and rant someone @ random where we know we arent 'clogging' up someone elses blog with stuff thats driving only you crazy at the moment.

I will take care of all the links and invites. And I want to make it clear that I dont mean my bloggers alone, but your bloggers, their bloggers and so on. Not to mention the so many others that can add colorful blogging to the forum right along side the usual. :) I hate webrings really and this woudnt be that kind of sign up spam you to death type of thing. Just a place for us to call home base. Friends should always have a home base right?

Damn, any of you fuckers ever play hide n seek as kids????

Just playin. I want to know everyones thoughts.

So far down

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colors of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

Close the book

Well since Cd never called me back last night I decided it was time to take my own closure instead of waiting around for it.

He gave me a Terrell Owens figurine about 4 weeks ago. Last night I told myself he had until 12am to call. At 12 am, on 3 purple xanax and a 40 oz of THA BULL (yes ew, but i didnt care) I took Mr Owens out into the street along with a 9 iron. And proceeded to accurately use his body as a tee, to take his head clean off. Tonight I will take the head to his cousins house, and prop it up on his coffee table, where I know Cd will see it the next time he goes over there. Maybe this sounds mean, or vengful, but I think leaving someone hanging is far worse. At least when he sees Mr. Owens decapitated head laying on his cousins table. He will get the message.

That is closure for me. Im well done now. Here is a song dedicated to last night, today, and the rest of my life that will be spent without ever talking to Cd again.


Leaves are falling all around,
It's time I was on my way.
Thanks to you, I'm much obliged
For such a pleasant stay.
But now it's time for me to go,
The autumn moon lights my way.
For now I smell the rain,
And with it pain,
And it's headed my way.
Ah, sometimes I grow so tired,
But I know I've got one thing I got to do,

*Ramble On,
And now's the time, the time is now
To sing my song.
I'm goin' 'round the world,
I got to find my girl, on my way.
I've been this way ten years to the day, Ramble On,
Gotta find the queen of all my dreams.

Got no time to for spreadin' roots,
The time has come to be gone.
And tho' our health we drank a thousand times,
It's time to Ramble On.

*Ramble on

I ain't tellin' no lie.
Mine's a tale that can't be told,
My freedom I hold dear;
How years ago in days of old
When magic filled the air,
T'was in the darkest depths of Mordor
I met a girl so fair,
But Gollum, and the evil one crept up
And slipped away with her.
Her, her....yea.
Ain't nothing I can do, no.

*Ramble on

Gonna ramble on, sing my song
Gotta keep-a-searchin' for my baby...
Gonna work my way, round the world
I can't stop this feelin' in my heart
Gotta keep searchin' for my baby
I can't find my bluebird!
I'd listen to my bluebird sing but I can't find my blue bird
A-keep-a ramblin' baby...

Killing with Charm

Standing with my enemies
Hung on my horns
With haste and reverie
Killing with charm
Only happy when you hurt
Only deadly in a swarm
Only healthy in the dirt
Only empty in your arms
I play, I’m sick and tame
Drawing the hordes
I wait, and show the lame
The meaning of harm
The skulls beneath my feet
Like feathers in sand
I graze among the graves
A feeling of peace
Only bending when you break
Only feeding when you’re cold
Only healing when you ache
Only feeling when you don’t

Another Turning Point

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life


Good Bye to another bad moment in life
I wish him the best, but denying me closure I will never forget.

Tryin to make some sense of it all

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Trying to make some sense of it all,
But I can see that it makes no sense at all,
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor,
'Cause I don't think that I can take anymore
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Well you started out with nothing,
And you're proud that you're a self made man,
And your friends, they all come crawlin,
Slap you on the back and say,
Please.... Please.....

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.

Via Chapdaddy

If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the internet, post this sentence in your journal.

What the hell? V 3.0

Ok I hope this doesnt get long (rolls eyes) but I have to get it out and I must have some kind of help here. When I was 'hangin' out with Cd things were cool. We were friends, playing video games, lounging on the couch. At some point he called me early one more around 2 weeks ago now and I had taken a sleeping pill to get to sleep around 4:30am. I dont remember the conversation well but the next time I spoke to him he had said I had been really rude. Ok, so I called and apologized. And he still doesnt call or talk to me anymore. Holy shit he didnt even call to bash the Eagles loss yesterday.

Fuck this, fuck that, I dont get it. But at 8 pm I am calling him to ask him what is up. Hes probably going to pretend he isnt there or maybe he wont be but we WILL talk.

I hope I dont lose my temper, but I really thought he was better then that. To at least go hey, you were a bitch and it freaked me out so I dont want to talk to you for a while, or ever. For fucks sake why cant men be men. Whenever I tell someone something bluntly in front of my dad he tells me its not very ladylike. What the ever loving fuck does that mean? Because I am honest I must be acting mannish? Cuz thats total trash. I didnt do anything so bad and no matter what at some point you have to say good bye to people either slightly or completely.

I hate it when people say shit like "I dont like good byes"

Wait until you didnt get the chance to say one before you ever think that is the truth. If its over, then Ill say just that. Good bye. This is why I leave no regrets behind. I wont have to wonder years from now what could have been..... for the second time now with Cd. Cut and dried.

Game Over

Ok so Philly didnt win. I wasnt entirely confident that they would. But DAMN, that really was a good game. Better then the last few NE blowouts Ive watched. Both teams had some serious defense going on and the defense from each team was shaking up and beating down the opposing offense.

Im still going to be a loyal fan regardless.

Even CD didnt call to taunt me. I think its past time I speak to him and close that book. I am going to try to call tomorrow when he gets off work to get some kind of closure on the very short friendship we shared. I dont want to, I just feel like its the adult and wise thing to do. No regrets, no wondering what would have happened had I just called. Oh, Ill prolly be mad after the call, but Ill be relieved. Im not the type to live easily when I have unanswered questions.

Sigh @ me

Pennys

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Vacation!!!

On Feb 24th I will be leaving for Orlando Florida. I will be spending 2 weeks there in pure bliss. The bliss will continue on as I take an overseas flight to AMSTERDAM.

Sorry, I had to cap that.

Ok, so its going to be springish tempatures in Florida.....

What the hell is up with Amsterdam? Is it cold there? Snowing ?

wtf

I will be returning, barely tanned and extremely hungover on March 14th!! GO ME!!

Ash

Just for the record.

Ash AKA, Jesse Rodriguez, is the biggest piece of shit liar, deceiver and lazy motherfucker alive.

That is all.
And if he brings his IRC buddies here to talk shit. Well, hes going to get it back 10 fold.

I hate love

I just hate it.
I hate caring.
I hate giving respect where its not due.
I hate dishonorable people.
I hate people who cant speak the truth.
I hate people that leave you hanging.

I hate being sick.

This week, was a hateful week.
I hate it too.

Love, Loyalty and Football

Ok Kids. I have been a Philly Eagle fan for 24 years now. Ive watched them lose, and lose some more, and I never ever gave up. Ive had all the local rednecks haze me for liking a 'yankee' team. Ive had ex's torment me with their Superbowl winning teams. I laughed about the Eagles egging the Falcons bus and was called down for laughing at something that was not 'in the spirit of the game'. Wha?? This IS the spirit. Egg the enemy, taunt them, my fans can beat up your fans... believe that. As the game wrapped up, I became elated. I became psychotic. I began taunting Cd who showed up an hour late and left early because he couldnt handle all the WRONGNESS of telling me all week my team would lose.

Just fyi...

Its hard to impress someone with your womanly charms when you are standing on your own couch screaming shit like "HAHAHHA BIOTCH, WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS YEAH, WOOHOO, DIE NE BITCHES"

On a side note, lets bow our heads to give our respects to the INSANELY ugly loss that Pittsburgh suffered. Oh, and thats Cd's team.

He hasnt spoken to me since sunday.

Beg for mercy!

Ok. I am going to use blogrolling to keep up with my links here.

If you have posted on my blog and dont mind me linking to you then let me know!

I have blog roller all ready to go and I want to make sure its ok with the following people to link.

Azathoth
Bookend
Gama
BM
Dan
Angry Nice Guy
&
Ironpants

I have more but for now these are the ones I want to get blogrollin~

Game Playing

Hahaha

What is so funny to me is that Im so old, so jaded and so smart.. that no one can even remotely pull a "game" on me. These games men play are only humorous to me. And only humorous because I have played them all, successfully. And when they play the games with me, I recognize them right off. Its all I can do not to laugh.

Some things that have inspired but not quite gotten a full hardy laughter from me this week alone.

"This chick told me to come over so she could show me her tits"
"I spoke to my ex gf last week and she told me...."
"Yeah Ill watch the game with you"

Then he didnt because...

"I got over there after Tammy left, I used to date her, I wanted to see her again"

So Lol@guys worldwide who do this shit to smart women who are silently laughing while feeling pathetically sorry for any man who thinks this type of conversation isnt "playing games"

I dont play games no more. I won them all. And when I won? I found myself alone.

Good Job morons!

Entertainment!

So having said how much windows blows.. now I just need some crap to download onto it until it crashes again.

Anyone have any cool Sim, rpg, sports or other interesting games that are downloadable that I can get a link to?

It doesnt have to be a game, a cool proggy to screw around with would be just as fun.

Winblows Me

Windows can blow me.

I had to format again. But NOW... I do have all 40 gigs on the master drive and another 80 gigs on my slave.

Yes and even having said that, Windows can blow me. So can Bill Gates AKA Satan.

No love

In an interesting conversation with Cd tonight I learned a couple of new things.

1 thing is that, sex isnt everything. Well ok yes I knew this but I am a redblooded, redhaired oversexed american female. So even though I already knew this, it still came as a shock to hear it fall from yet another mans lips.

2nd. Cd told me "You wanna know what I think?"
Joy: Sure
Cd: I think you are falling in love
Joy: I wouldnt know

Too bad Im not one of those suicidal people. Id just go ahead and shoot myself in the face right now.

Falling in love? I dont think thats possible. Not for me. I love with as much passion as I hate with. Shouldnt I be the first to notice?

Just how do you know if you are "falling in love"?

ACHTUNG~!! BM Wins!!

BM has officially won the "Too Much Ass" award. Anyone that damn happy and energetic is just getting way too much ass for one person.

Please click the link to see what he has won.

This is Bullshit~!!!!!!!

I was checking the weather monitor I put on my blog when I started roofing. I noticed it said 24 degrees.... but it feels like 18.

Really? Who the fuck notices that?

Freezing Man: Damn, it sure is cold out here
Freezing Woman: The thermometer says 24 degrees
Freezing Man: No way, it cant be more then 20 degrees out here
Freezing Woman: It says 24
Freezing Man: Incomprehensible
Freezing Woman: eh?
Freezing Man: Im going back inside until it FEELS like its 24 degrees
Freezing Woman: me too

This weather is bullshit. No to snow!

Girl Meets Boy

Girl and Boy are talking. Giggling, laughing, teasing one another. Boy makes sly sexual comment. Girl giggles and eyes Boy appreciatively. Boy hugs Girl. Boy smacks Girl on the ass and nibbles on Girls neck. Boy smiles at Girl and goes home.

Girl stands astonished. Girl is extremely confused.

"When did I lose control on who gets to make the sex decision"

Girl goes to bed confused.

Sight for sore eyes

I bet Ive said "Im sorry" more times this year and meant it then I have in my full 31 years on earth. Today started out as one of those sick and tired of being sick and tired days.

Then a wonderfully giving person gave me MANY pictures of my long lost angel. And I thanked her too many times while holding back tears from seeing his face so real again but in a picture cupped in my hands. As I jumped in my dads car the tears really flowed and kept on most of the way home.

Again, with the realization that no matter how down, or sad or mad or hurt I am at any given moment, nothing hurts like that did. Everything else is uphill in a sense.

What the hell?? V 2.0

So I formatted and put windows 98 on my pc because I couldnt find a valid key for Windows XP. And now.. I have a 40 gig hard drive that Winblows 98 will only let me use 2 gigs of.

Now I have DSL, and Im all ready to have a download-o-thon. Except, I cant download a damn thing because with the OS and the programs I use that I MUST have... I am only allotted 107 mb at the moment.

Thanks Mr. Gates.

Thank you for Clarity

I wrote a post last week about missing Steve and Ben and the thoughts and feelings I had behind their deaths. I have.. or had, no idea what inspired me to write it. I only knew I felt a tug on my soul. That I had things to get off my chest that needed typing. I only knew I was welcoming in another new year, alone, missing my angels.

The same day I made that post. I was heading to work and I asked for a sign. I thought the peaceful feeling, the change in the air, and the song on the radio was my sign. And I knew who was sending it. I just didnt know why. Or why now. Steve was always a joker. Never took anything too serious, except one person, one love, one relationship.

A few days later I received an email from someone who meant more then life to him. In the last months of his life he talked to me about her constantly. He just wanted the pain gone, wanted her back, and didnt know how to do either. I tried to help. I was there for him. Its the only way I knew how to help. 12 years later. I read her email and just froze. In our childhoods Steve and I were the closest of friends. Its what made it so easy to pick up where we left off. I had went my seperate way as did he. But we came back together again for some reason. I think Im starting to understand why.

This has been one of the biggest nagging questions Ive had. Why? Why bring him into my life only to have him leave it again, forever?? Why bring my best friend back and then take him from me, when I needed him the most?

I never got it. I never understood, and I spent a lot of time hating over it. I think I know why now. All these years, all the time I felt I suffered alone, there was someone else suffering too. His sweetheart, his girl. The only girl Id ever known him to actually want to be with. I had no idea she still thought of him. But I do now. And I have to say, that I feel damn sure that I now know why he was sent to me, to spend the time with me that he had, before he died.

I was the one person he had he could talk to, besides her. The one that wouldnt give him shit for being in love or taunt him like the guys did. I was the one who listened. I was the one who heard him pour his heart out over her night after night. And I was the one living with the guilt over his death on my very soul.

So someone had to be around to share this message. He knew he was going to die soon. He knew he couldnt talk to her and convince her of the things he was telling me nightly. And Im sure he knew she would love him forever, just as I do. Now I just have to talk to her, spend some time telling her the things he shared with me, because finally, I feel like thats the answer to my 'Why?'

Why?
Because you were my friend. Because you loved me, as no one else on earth ever had, besides her. Because I knew if I told you what I felt, that eventually you would share it with her. Because you were my friend, and sometimes, we have no choice in burdening the ones we love with our pain. Sometimes when you love someone enough, it just happens. Sometimes when you love someone enough, you dont have to ask them for a thing. They pick up your burdens and run away with them as fast as they can, to spare you. No bad intentions are found in true love and friendship. Because I know you will remember me, and honor me, and carry on my message when the time is right. Because I see your pain and I know that only one person on earth shares it with you. And its time for you two to find some joy in the pain. Because I love you both, my best friend, and my only love.. I will be here for you both, to walk you home, when the time comes.

Yar!

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

For the sake of 'the children' AKA Blowing smoke in the asses of American kids daily

There are at least 3 things that I think are detrimental to our children. Things that are hard preached to do for them. Sometimes, if you ponder a lesson in life, what you should do, what you should say.. for just a minute longer, it might start to make some sense as to why its a STUPID ASS THING TO SAY.

1) There is no one as smart/funny/beautiful/skilled at _____ as you are - Really? Boy is this one going to come down like a load of bricks when little Tommy finds out the time it takes him to rebuild an Alternator.. while incredibly fast, is still 5 minutes slower then all of the other guys at the shop. Whats wrong with telling your kid the truth? Hey, daughter... you are the most beautiful girl in the world to me, but there are a LOT of beautiful girls out there, expect competition. I think telling our kids to expect road blocks and the barriers of our own limitations is perfectly acceptable.

2) All drugs are just as bad as the others - Really? Well your 12 year old son just tried pot last night for the first time. And the only question he has now is... Well, mom said ALL drugs were horrible and would kill me quickly. And well, that pot didnt hurt me at all. I wonder what heroin is really like then??? hmm. In the least I hope you are telling them proven scientific facts. Such as how nicotine is far more addictive then any drug there is.

3) Dont live in a fantasy world - Really? How many of us walk around hardcore reailty 100% of the time. I know damn good and well if it werent for the few moments of fantasy that I can leech out of each day, Id be a bald stark raving lunatic by now. Long ago actually. Dont steal from your kids the stuff being a kid is made of, and if you can carry that into your adulthood, you have just avoided getting old for a very long time.

Patience plays the role of Virtue

Last night we slept on the couch. We watched the Auburn/Tech game right up until the beginning of the 3rd quarter just sitting next to each other. We got comfy together on the couch a bit and immediately fell asleep. Figures :p Damn am I that old? Falling asleep on .. dates? Anyway. So as the night wore on we ended up sleeping on the couch. Ripping off cushions here and there to get more comfortable. And just basically had a restless sleep. Im sure there was a couple reasons for the sleeplessness. There was for me. Ahh ok, so this is what taking it slow is.

So today I was headed out to grab up some ground hog time at work, about an hour before I planned on catching a ride with Cd up to the house to get a couple of things. And I feel peaceful for some reason. So I feel like its time to confront the issue. I did the "give me a sign" thing in my head. Give me a sign that the direction I am heading is the right one. I feel for once, all at once, that someone is with me. Comforting, lifting me up. I feel amazingly light in my truck seat. Right before I jumped in the truck I was playing the song Soul to squeeze by RHCP on my computer. The second I thought about wanting a sign, the second I got that light airy feeling. Subconsciously I reached for the radio. Subconsciously I hit The Bear. 97.3 on my dial even though the channel I usually listen to was up and playing a song I also enjoyed. And there was the song. Soul to squeeze. In the very first beat of the song I knew the coincidence. Thats when I began crying. Almost instantaneously. Not out of fear or sadness. Out of utter relief. My angels were with me. The air in the truck was crisp. The crying felt good. 'Ding! For once you have made the right decision' And before I could stop myself, I found myself saying outloud in the truck..."Ok!! Ok!! I get it guys.... I get it." I released a tense breath I didnt know I was holding. Laughing, smiling, bouncing,crying. Never in my life have I gotten such a clear answer when asking my angels "is this it?"

Is that where you have been hiding? I wonder. In my music? Well, I do realize now that since Ben died music has taken on an age old meaning with a whole new need for me. I always used music to "get over" things. But until that very moment I didnt realize that I had become something I wasnt before Ben and Steve were gone. I just noticed that moment that every day I get up and the first thing I do is turn on my pc and hit a playlist in my mp3 player. Is that where they have been sending me signs from? Well, I do have about the weirdest combonation of musical taste on my pc. It starts to make some sense. I felt Steves cheshire cat grin all over my face. My blog is covered in my need to sooth and comfort with the music. All of it. Have you been there all along?

Ok, no. Im not crazy at all. Not even close. I might be wild or unruly, but crazy no. Im sure anyone watching this is thinking Im a lunatic. Nothing could have brought me to care at that moment. My sleeping soul stirred. Slowly. Its stirring now still. Something is waking up. I can feel it. I can count on one hand the times in my life I have felt "above the clouds." I usually am the clouds. The darkest deepest ones full of rain and thunder and lightening. The ones that look so much like the real ones hanging over Roanoke at that moment. This was an above the clouds moment.

Mick comes over. The first thing he says is.. "You look better!" I just now realized that I should have messed with him and asked better then what?? But I just caught up to that. At the moment he asked. I smiled huge and said, 'I feel better!' We talk about our new relationships going on and we both look at each other and laugh. "Im used to having sex on the first date or asap type shit" I said.
"HAHAAHAAHHA" is all he could say. "So am I". There we sat giggling like two demented sex demons.
"But, this is kind of nice" Mick says.
"Sure it is", demented smile.
Again the laughter. But we know we mean it. He asked me earlier on the roof. In jest of course. "So what do you think we are doing right this time?""Im not sure, lets just keep doing it""Good with me"

"Heads up!" the redhead on the roof yells as the shingles hit the ground below where she will toss them onto her truck.
SOD, and old hardcore band blares out from the roof of this house in a neighborhood where Nelly songs with Tim Mcgraw are considered having too much blood in your rap stream.

Two slightly twisted but honest, hardworking people who deserve a chance at something better in life are laughing as they sing out the words to a song that will disgust any of the neighborhood folks on Day Ave.

Old & New & Missing you

I want to say at the beginning of this post that I want to let some people know I appreciate their place in my life.

Dal- for gods sake please quit drinking before you kill someone. I stayed with you for so long out of guilt, out of feeling like if I left you, and you drank and drove, or just ended up with a woman not as strong as I, you would kill someone. I dont want someone elses soul weighing on mine. I already have 2 of those. It hurts endlessly. Please change, for you. I will never be a part of your life again. Sadly, someone who has learned the lessons I have learned, can even appreciate the lessons you taught me about trust, marriage and relationships. Not good lessons, but ones I will take with me to my death.
Kt - god hes always there for me right when I need him. And he silently drifts away when he sees I dont need him anymore. Incredible.
Cd - too much, too nice, too scarey, but god it feels good to be near another adult who can conversate.. and he doesnt drink or hit women
Kelley - My sister. Even when shes not around I know shes there for me. I just always know. I love her endlessly.
Azathoth - So much like me. Im more then glad I stumbled upon your blog and hopefully one day I can offer a small piece of what you have given me, in return for all your kindness and thoughtfulness towards me. You are priceless to me.
BM - Great balls on you for sure. You remind me of people who have passed through my life. You remind me of the type of people I want to stop passing by and stay with me a while :). Your poetry just stuns me sometimes. A lot of the time I just read it and I have nothing in comparison to offer in reply to it. Making people speechless is the goal of any good writer.

To the other bloggers who have stopped by to make comments, I appreciate those too. If a bunch of strangers always took the time to stop, and offer advice or friendship or kindness like you all do, then Id feel much better leaving my children in this world when I go. Its on blind faith that I hope my family, friends and the people I love always cross paths with people like you all.

To my missing angels.....January 3rd 2005

That means that Ive been missing you, Steve, for almost 12 years now. I cant even believe that myself. My boy, my running mate, my partner in crime, the first boy I kissed, my best friend. You were, you are, all those things to me. Everytime I think about you I remember the dream, the night you died. I remember the cheshire cat grin you had often. I remember the sneaky shit we used to do. I remember the partying, I remember the laughter, I remember the common ground we stood on with each other. I remember you putting your arm over my shoulders when I was about 12, to walk me to your house in the snow, when I was crying like a baby. I remember your efforts to protect me, though you were the same size as me. I remember all the nights we hung out. I remember all the mornings I woke up freezing in your car, sleeping in the same bucket seat as you. I remember thinking it was a good thing we were both so small or we would have froze to death one of those nights. I remember how you loved your mustang. I remember how you loved your aunt and granny. I remembered how you loved me. I remember that although you were a part of a big family, you were in essence just as I was. Alone.

Now I am alone without you. Now I have gone on 12 more years without a little piece of my heart that I grew so fond of. I remember the ache in my chest the night I learned you died. I still have the guilt fresh on my soul for feeling responsible for your death. I could have kept you here. I remember I learned that night to sacrifice anything, if you love and value someone enough to. But only if they dont ask. Someone who truly loves you wouldnt. You didnt. I remember the lessons I learned about true friends, and what they will do for you or with you, just when you need it the most. I remember always, that when shit gets hard on me, that nothing was as hard on me as the night you died. Nothing gets worse then that. Even if I knew I would die tomorrow, it wouldnt hurt as that night did, that year, these 12 have.

Never in my life did I dream anyone could or would come close to replacing you in my heart and soul. Then I met Ben. About 6 or 7 years after you left me. He was worth the risk. I called him my friend, and he called me his. He was my friend for over 5 years. I remembered the loss of you Steve, and I appreciated him that much more for it. I remembered the worst part was never having actually said I love you, though I know you knew I loved you. I made sure I told him I did. I did it all right. I appreciated, I loved, and I sacrificed. And Ben, my angel, he sacrificed for me too. All those times he drove me home and dared Doug to hit me in front of him. He would have beat his ass. Doug wouldnt have ever fucked with me with Ben around. One call and Ben would have been at my house so fast beating Doug like the dog he was, and I knew it. So did Doug. He always accused us of sleeping together. Right up until Amanda called my house and told me you had died. I thought she was lying. I was sick inside. All that pain, all that lonliness... it all came flooding back. I denied it to myself. I screamed. I remember the screaming like it was yesterday. The screaming brought Doug running from his bedroom because of course, as usual, I slept on the couch and thats where I was when Amanda called at 8am or so to tell me you were gone. He held me while I cried. He knew you were gone, he knew you had taken an important part of my heart with you. Im sure it scared the hell out of him. Good. The pain was blinding, harsh and cold. Deep inside, I felt dead. I wanted to be. The funeral was horrible. You were cremated just like we talked about wanting to be so many times. But then, there was no where to go to honor you. I used to visit Steves grave. Before you died. Then I realized that he wasnt there. You werent there. The only place I could honor you both, was in my heart.

And here I sit. Trying to do so, pouring out my soul in font because there is no one to share this with. There is no one I hate enough to burden with the pain I feel for the loss of you both. To this day, when someone is nice to me, as you both were, I feel that aching loss for a quick moment. I feel alone although I know at least one of you has watched out for me over the years. I should have joined you long ago.

Ok so the lessons I learned. Appreciate the little things. Say so. Act so. Dont hurt or lie or scam the people you really care for. They might not be here tomorrow. Nothing hurts worse or longer then guilt. Take care of your friends, your family. Protect yourself enough to keep yourself alive and sane, but rely on someone worth your time to protect your heart from the worst the world has to give. You cant do it alone. No matter what you think. Even if you really believe you can, you dont want to. Quit wasting time. You dont really have that much. You might only have a minute, an hour, a day, a year. Do you want to risk it? Do you want the last moments of your life spent in regret for what you should have done, said, or been? I dont.

I love you Steven Gregory Kinzie. I loved you enough to name my son after you. He has your calm demenor. He has your sweetness. He was born a year to the day you died. In my heart and soul, I hope a little piece of you is in him. Nothing could make me more proud.

I love you Benjamin Royden Campbell. Thats all I can say to you. I know you heard it before. But I cant bring myself to type out any more of the reasons why I should have loved you like I did. I only know I did, I did the right thing. I told you, I appreciated, and I still lost you. The Lord works in mysterious ways... bullshit.

To this day whenever I get close to someone, I fear that my closeness to them might cause their death. I know, its terribly stupid. But for the life of me, I cant figure out why you were both drug through my sorry ass life, to protect me, to love me, then to die on me. I doubt I will ever get over that feeling. I dont even care to. It reminds me to appreciate the people who are worth it, right now. And not to wait one single second to tell someone how I feel about them.

I am a better person for the deaths of my two best friends. Id rather be the same old piece of shit Joy though, if I could have you back, for even just a minute. Someone stole my angels. And most days, I cant wait to get back to them. I do not fear death because of them. I know that no matter what, when I die.... I will have two beautiful angels to walk me home, arm over my shoulders, protecting me from all that I fear. Or showing me why I shouldnt fear anything as long as I have them by my side.

I can almost feel you both smiling at me for the decisions Ive made recently in my life. I have a sad sort of peace today. Sad because you two are giving it to me, and I cant return it, not yet. And peace because I feel your approval. I feel whole for a minute. I feel that in writing this, you have heard me. That you know I still love you, honor you and remember you daily.

This year I quit wasting time.

Family and Friends

Ok so heres the catch that has me tongue tied and more then mildly confused. Cd and Kt are cousins.

The last thing I will ever be on this earth is the type of person who disregards issues like that, or causes drama because of it. I told him tonight I had to talk to him. Then after getting my ass beat @ football 5 or 6 times I got chickened and tired out. I didnt talk to him. I have to. There is no choice. I need to explain why.

There are very few people on this earth that get respect from me. Even the ones who do can quickly find themselves wishing they didnt have it when I romp their ass for being foolish. But its a fact. The more I can walk on someone, the less I am likely to respect them. Catch 22 I suppose but thats how it is for me. Im damn sure this is going to burn DAL's ass right off but I have to explain why I like Cd so much.

Hes real. Hes straight and blunt, and most of all, hes not going to put up with any dumb shit from me. The things I dont care to improve on normally, I want to fix when Im around him. I have no idea why totally. This isnt the normal Rebel Joy that I know either. We might joke around and push each others buttons in fun, but in seriousness, that shit wont be happening. Im pretty sure that even without having said so, that we both know, that neither of us are people to be fucked around with. So heres the issue.

Ive been friends with Kt for 17 years. Of course during that time we have been more then friends on more then one occasion. I love him, I care for him and I wish and hope everyday that something good happens to his life. Instead of all the drama and bs, I wish him well. Worry that he's not, and want more then anything for him to be honestly happy. Not this fake shit hes getting now. But I wished the same things for Ben, for Steve and for all the other people Ive called friend over the years. But that didnt mean I wanted to "be" with them. We have never even let anyone else call us anything but friends. Ive no doubt he values my friendship a bit more then he does some of the others he has. But that doesnt mean I want him to be my boyfriend. When I look at the big picture, standing back... I realize that it would be a disasterous combo. True respect would never come into play, and I cant live like that for long. Thus the failed marriage. Yeah sorry DAL but guess what.... Getting drunk and beating on someone half your size has the same result. Loss of respect. Deal with it and quit interfering in my life. We are no longer a married couple. You owe me nothing, I owe you less.

So last night I waited for Cd to call when he got home from work. I sat at my nieces and told her that maybe I was kind of getting on his nerves, and that when he got home late and had to work early he might not want to be having to look at my face in between those times. So then I left her house and came back home. About that time DAL started calling with his harrassing bullshit, drunk of course, and I felt like a fucking trapped rat for about 5 minutes it took me to get the hell out of the house. As I was walking towards the door Kt called and asked me to stop by. Ok, so I go there. I tell Bob to tell Cd that Im at Kt's. And I figure if he wants to talk to me, he will call there and ask. He called, but he didnt speak to me. So blam, it hits me like a ton of bricks. There I am, dangerously close to causing drama. This will not happen.

20 years of not even knowing my real family and 2 dead best friends HAS taught me some major lessons. One is that you dont fuck with peoples friends or family. Family and friends are there long after lovers and partners are gone. So if it was in the best interest of their relationship, I guess Id have to back away. Kt will always be my friend. Even if I didnt go over to his house for 10 years, when I did come back, he would welcome me and be glad to see me.

Ive already learned one lesson with Cd. He doesnt fuck around and hes not going to play any games. Good, Im done with the games too. If I had thought for one second that he would have spoken to me after the Tinker Creek incident... I would have called. I would have apologized then, and thats a lot for me to do. I never apologize. Never say Im sorry, because you can only say Sorry and mean it ONCE. Once is a mistake, something to be sorry for, twice is just foolish and immature. Maybe I could have saved myself a lot of pain and trouble had I done so. But Im beginning to realize that maybe fate had a hand in this shit. Because Im sure in 10 years, both of us have had to learn some hard lessons on how to treat people. So maybe the time wasnt right then? Maybe its not even now. I dont know. But in keeping my promise to myself I am going to be real and true to me first. To begin with. Im going to let Cd read this tomorrow when he comes over to get me, or to watch football here with me.

I know Mickey to be a good judge of character, possibly a better one then I. And Im pretty good at it. Maybe thats why I love Mickey so much too in the short time Ive known him to be my cousin. He treats me very similar to what Cd does. He doesnt put up with my shit, and hes quick to point out when Im dishing out shit where I got no business doing so. So on the roof last week, after Cd stopped by for a few... he told me ...
Mick: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Joy: The answer to that could be endless. What are you talking about?
Mick: The guys you fuck with, the Dal's and the Kt's. Why do you waste so much time and energy on people like that? All they ever do is take from you. This guy comes here just to light you up at work.
Joy: Ok, thats fair.
Mick: Whats fair?
Joy: You reaming me for wasting my time, my life and my energy.
Mick: Well, I dont know him, but he seems like a good guy. Whats more important is he seems like a good guy for YOU.
Joy: You are just saying that because he gives me hell and you enjoy seeing it.
Mick: Thats true, but I mean it too. Someone has to give you hell.
Joy: You know. I just started realizing that not long ago.. but I agree. Thanks for waking me up a bit.
Mick: No problem cuz, anytime.
Joy: Ok enough about my fucked up life, back to work you slut.

Second, and here is the big one.

I dont know Cd terribly well, but I got the feeling he was annoyed or bothered by the fact that not only was I not home when he called me like I asked him to, but I was at Kt's. And normally, Id fight tooth and nail with someone I was seeing who told me to "stay away from that person." Normally they would get a big fuck off and die from me, but again. This is family. You dont fuck with that. I WONT fuck with that. Its not my place, it wont be my life. I think the only thing I can do to maintain respectfulness is to ask Cd how he would like me to handle it. If he said he didnt want me lurking around at Kt's alone then Id respect that. Its not about trust here. Its about respect and common sense. If you have ever been fucked over by a friend or family member, then there is no need to explain. If you havent been, then you need to go the fuck outside.

So Cd, what will it be? What should I be doing when it comes to this situation? And dont tell me some shit that you dont mean. Dont tell me you dont care if you do. And dont tell me its ok if its not. Kt will most likely always be my friend. But I dont feel for him what I do for you, and what I feel for you is more important to me. I dont want to let this get fucked up a second time. If it does, I dont want it to be anywhere near my fault. :)

And, if anyone else took the time to read all this mess, then thank you, and give me your honest opinion about this situation please.

Loser!

Ok ok. So by now we have a good 10 ESPN football games under our belts. Cd is holding at 9 wins and me with my one that he probably let me have. I lost a bet earlier that I now have to refer to him as the king on, and all the trash talking I did came back and took a huge chunk out of my ass...... not that losing some ass would be a bad thing for me... but still..

Im a good gamer so I have to try harder. If anyones ever played ESPN football on Xbox or even just remembers some old football tips from Techmo Bowl I could sure as hell use a pointer or two I suppose. Cd IS teaching me how to play better here and there though.

Between his attempts to kill McNabb and my attempts to flatten the tires on the Bus. Its been pretty fun.

Ok so now the hard part.