Wowie I did it

Well since I still have use of BM's ballsack... Ive been using the pair quite thoroughly. I now have been given the power to make cold calls. Yes.... I called CD, and hes on the way to get me for a little ride around and chat. Go me... and BM's balls.

I swear, Ill give them back soon, but once word gets out how useful they are you may just have to give them up for quite a while.

Work

Roofing sucks. Its about 30 degrees outside and windy. Feels like 22 the weather channel thing I got on my page sez. :((((( But out I head to do some more work. Today will be a good day though I hope. A friend from Everquest is coming to meet me, gonna have a couple of drinks and enjoy ourselves. (Vekx) to those who read here and know him from my guild on EQ for the last 4 years.

Its not been hard at all working with Kt the few days hes helped on the roof. I think he even knows Im done with the friendship. Sure there is still joking around, but theres a definate wall there. Im glad of it. When I am done with something, I am truly done. My actions might not always reflect that, but my attitude and heart certainly does. I think a lot of people think Im cold hearted for that.

I have an xbox date with CD on Wednesday. He doesnt drink. He admits he gets evil when he does so he hasnt drank more then 2 beers at a time in over 10 years. Boy, does that sound good to me. I told him I was gonna whip his ass at ESPN football2k4. Im gonna lose :D

Compilation of songs I enjoy. DarkSoulhavoc Part 1

Anyone in my brain enough to name these songs these excerpts are from???

I served my perdition, in this private hell
A thousand angers have kept me alive
Grab a hold on your distorted world
Im here to bang it
Take a little caution when you look my way
See the emptiness in my eyes.
And the evil thing, I embrace
Want to meet you, want to feel you near
Want your, need your, Light
Want your, need your, Life

**************************************
Come together with your hands,
Save me,
Im together with your plan
All my friends are Indians...
All my friends are brown and red.
All my friends are skeletons
They beat a rythym with their bones.

Come on, lock it on.

***************************************

Sick in the head,
sick in the mouth
I dont hear a word you say
Not a bit, and I dont give a shit
Yeah yeah yeah
I got the gas, i got the steel
I got everything
And all I need is your head on a stake.

********************************************

Over me
You fade into the night
Over me
You melt into the light
Over me
You will fear the things I need
Over me
You will feel the hate I breed
You're under me
And you will question my authority
You're under me
And you will lose almost everything
You're under me
You will feel the pain I wanna bring you
You're under me
You never change
Never change a fucking thing
Not a fucking thing

*****************************************

Be what you wanna be
See what you came to see
Been what you wanna be
I dont like what I see



Good luck. The winner takes home a redheaded demon for xmas.

Name that tune?

I don't know you, so don't freak on me
I can't control you
You're not my destiny

Straight out of line
I can't find a reason why i should justify my ways
Straight out of line i don't need a reason
You don't need to lie to me
I'll confess this you're my tragedy
I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me
Gone forever vanished the memories,
this face of pleasure are masked by your misery

Hard @ Work Part 1

So today, after the last bit of disrespect that ended any hopes of a real friendship, we had to work together. Roofing is a tough job. I am Osha certified, can type 90 words per minute, but right now the only work I can find is helping my cousin improve some houses in various ways. Right now we are working on a huge Old Southwest home. This house actually had 4 apartments in it. Its big. And 3 stories high. Frightening and very invigorating... but dreadfully exhausting work. But no chance in hell any bs drama is interfering in any of my work day. Im pretty sure we had that silent agreement well ahead of time. So we tore off 3 layers of wet nasty board, felt and shingles.. got a lot of work done today, and I JUST got home at the time of this post. I left at 8am. Im no weakling but a lot of this is beyond my physical abilities... I can only carry a slab of shingles up 3 and a half flights of stairs before I have to take a breath :D. Good hard ass physical work. Im aching all over but I dont regret a bit of it. Im toning up, eating less and my heart rate gets a good pounding several times per day now. It also does wonders for the mentality. Roof, 3 stories high, standing on the edge or sweeping it, you think about work, safety, balance. Not lame drama and sad memories. I always wonder what people think when they see me doing a 'mans job' with the boys. The boys worried about me falling or just stressing over me when I jump in and start helping them, with less fear then they have....

The tension was not unbearable or anything. As a matter of fact, I was the same old me and I wondered, or got the feeling, that it bothered him that I wasnt more somber then I was. Im leaning on Mickey-cousin pretty hard in a lot of areas right now. Hes gotten me work, hes kept me riding around with him, doing work here and there, kept me out of trouble and given me someone to talk to about the petty but meaningful things we all seem to want to share. He gives me hell. I need it though. :D

So the day is over, we are sitting downtown in the truck waiting for Mickey to talk to the boss. And I finally broke out that old sweaty overused pair of balls BM loaned me last weekend....
"Why does it seem like you are angry with me? You really have no reason to be"... via me.
"Im not mad at you babe"
"Well I was hurt by what happened, I want you to know you are my friend 1st and foremost and I want to be respected as you would any of these guys you actually call friend. Like Mickey" I said.
"Well I was kind of hurt too"

What the hell? Hurt why? Because I left after the drama started?

Finally Mickey was on his way out. Of course right as we were starting to speak again.

"Im not done talking to you yet Mister" I said, seriously.
"Ok"

Wonder if he really wants to hear what I have to say next?

Outside

This song is beautiful to me. Its possible its because its been the 'story' of my life. This touches me, I hope you go download the song if you arent familiar with it. The acoustic version is incredible.

And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you



Thats what he had. Thats what he gave up. His loss. Im done. Moving on. And I feel good about it. I decided that the first day of 2005 I will make a resolution. The only one Ive ever made. When I promise myself something, I am forced to stick to it. Ive never failed, thus the fear in making them. The laziness.

My new years resolution will be to remove all the fake people from my life. To get rid of the sell outs. If you cant be real, you cant be my friend. Im going to take what I want from 2005, instead of kindly waiting for it. Instead of being the compassionate, respectful one, Im going to demand it up front, or Im not wasting my time with another soulless individual.

Somethings arent as they seem

Well thanks to BM I had a hefty set of balls to break out this weekend. I didnt break them out in the fashion I had intended. What I did do is keep my word to myself. I tried to befriend a person who didnt deserve the title. Not even close. You can only say Im sorry for something one time, once is a mistake. A second sorry is useless when its the same thing occuring.

I lost a friend. Not because I did something, but because he didnt value our friendship enough to show it, for the last time. Im sad in my heart that its over. And even more sadly, he doesnt even know it.. yet. It feels bad, but Ive felt much worse. Hes gone, but hes not dead. Thats the only thing I can think of to be thankful about him at the moment.

So on I trudge. Ill be doing more roofing this week. Yes roofing, hard ass work on an ugly roof in one of the worst neighborhoods in this city. But Ill be doing it with a stronger spine.

One chapter in my book of Foolishness is over. The next one begins soon Im sure.
Hating yourself is a lonely feeling. But to be honest, Im glad Im alone while Im feeling it.

My mother is in intensive care at the hospital. Tomorrow I go to see her. There is not one soul in my life that is there to comfort me through this. She doesnt have long.. and we all know it. And when does finally go to the Heaven she calls home, there will be no one there who's shoulder I can cry on.

Thank God for Mickey. He is a better friend to me then any I have living in my area. And family.
Im trying to remind myself to be thankful for that, but right now, its very hard.

Bye, K.A. it was nice knowing you.

To drink or not to drink

Ok. Im going to try to get drunk and spew what I got to spew. Im taking bets on whether BM's balls hold out for the duration or not.

I have 10 on me not having the nards to do it.

Best Friend?

We like the same cartoons. We like the same recreations. We know all the same people. We like the same people. Dislike the same people. We are both quiet natured. Not a lot of excessive talking. No bs chatty convo just to be making noise. We both like the same music. We both enjoy the same types of TV shows. We agree on most things. We are essentially the same person. Heres the problem...

Before I met my cousin recently, he asked my best friend "What is she like?" His answer was a smile and "well, shes like me." When MR aka cousin, told me that.. I smiled, a lot. We are a lot alike. I think the worst part is we think a lot alike. Great for a friendship, not so great for making it more then that.

So here we are, at a stalemate. Im not saying anything about it, hes not saying anything about it. Stuck, one of us has to say something. "If you want me to Ill come over." "If you would like to come over then come on, Ill leave the door open."

See what I mean? No ones giving, no ones going to cave and just go look, I like you.. a lot. So how long can this go on? Who knows. He said to me not long ago, if we have been doing this for 13 years off and on, I have no problem doing it another 13 years. Gah, damnit, he says shit like that a lot. "I need you" "I need you for more then one night at a time"

But then when I say "I love you to death you know?" He doesnt believe me.

So how do you take two non believers, and make them believe? In each other.

To burn or not to burn....

Ok.
So court is over now. Im free of the bond that held me here. But jesus christ did I realize something today.

He came to court with his mom and dad. Ok, so he cant drive. So he should be there with someone. His mom tried to go into the court room with him. Man, I know what kind of man I need now. One that can make a move without taking his whole family with him. Fuck those people.

That asshole beat me like a rag doll for 4 years, and they never once did a damn thing to help me deal with him. But sure as fuck as soon as he mentioned leaving me because I refused to watch him drink every weekend, they ran up on the scene to his rescue. This is sick and sad in my opinion. Walking by me, giving me dirty looks. I just sat there laughing. I couldnt help myself. Any 34 year old man who brings his mother to court with him has just proved he isnt the man that they constantly are trying to convince him that he is.

So today I realized I need a man who isnt afraid to go to court without his mommy.

So, with all that being said. Id like to take this time to thank them for nothing. To thank them for proving how right I was not to trust another ignorant family with anything I am, or know, or might be one day. Thanks to them for proving that the world IS full of fucked up people because their parents dont raise them right. Thanks for showing me how very sickening you treat someone who did nothing but take shit off of your alcoholic son for 8 years. Thanks for proving that parents who enable their childrens mistakes and bad habits, are no different, and no better then the children themselves.



Just my opinion.
On a side note....
I am going to be taking a trip to Orlando Fla from December 10th to the 20th. Yay 4 me.

What kind of guy?

Well, I know what kind of guy I dont need.

I know I dont need one who is insecure. I dont need one who doesnt know how to treat females.
Hmm...

Is there such a thing as a man who is kind and gentle, you know, only in front of his woman is even fine. And strong and empathetic. Honest and still knows how important a white lie can be from time to time. "No your ass doesnt look fat in those pants" ... see, that was easy wasnt it?

A guy who knows how to make a woman happy in bed or out. And one that actually can handle his alcohol.

Ive tried the intelligence and forgotten about the looks. Ive tried the looks and forgotten about the intelligence. Neither of those has proved satisfying.

Hmm... I think I need a custom made one. Is there a factory for that? No I dont mean a sex toy factory either. I would like it to conversate from time to time.

Friday Nightzz

Beer

The real me

I hate having pictures taken of me. I usually let it happen though because I have had personal experiences where having a pic of someone no longer around and how it can ease your soul a bit when you need it. I keep an antique chest with mememtos in it of things like that. Photometal shot of Steve, A pic I took with a digital camera of my best friend Ben. But there is only one picture Ive ever seen of myself that I felt represented me for the most part. Some say it looks sad, but I didnt feel sad, just in depth, the natural me, observant and serious. Of course I have my up days or other pictures of myself where Im smiling and happy, but this is the me I feel is a true representation of my life, my heart and soul.




I also have a picture of a bad girl that is my favorite as well.



And finally, the pic I had no link to before, that my friend JLD a real web site builder :P, made of our previos boss at Maple Leaf Bakery. He is making a flash with the whole gang from MLB, and this was his first creation. Hes wearing the lab coats we had to wear from the bakery with the actual logo from the company on it.



And while Im exposing myself. Heres a tad O ink I got about 10 years or so ago. No its not the only piece I have but its definately the largest.




What ya think?

Angry Turkey Day v1.5

I made it all the way through T-day dinner. I was overwhelmed, and a tad disappointed. Hell at one point I even considering encouraging some dissention. I decided against it. I was the last person to leave, oh I mean I wanted to leave earlier, but I was battling the odds so I had to push the limit.

I even got to take some candy home in a nice tin. Dear god..., is that what they have all been getting all along if they dont get thrown out. Now Im pissed again. Thats 16 years since I left home, 16 tins of Candy and homemade cookies that I got jipped out of. 16 Angry Turkey days that could have been easily turned into "Eat an assload of turkey and take home some killer sweets" days. That sure as hell would have been easier to drag myself to.

What the Hell? v1.0

Just who the hell came up with the stupid saying of

"Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"

Ok, apparently whoever said this had been in love and was all happy in it at some point and felt this way about it. Fine. Im just saying, how could one person make that judgement for both sides. What about the people who have never loved? Maybe life would be easier if it was just a series of little crushes for some people. Maybe some people have to be in love, and some dont.

Just saying... what a judgemental bastard who said this. He gets a 'What the Hell?' two thumbs down from me.

The ghost of the past

I was listening to old music, pondering old games when I thought Id go ahead and shove myself towards my own mortality a bit by remembering some old things that I grew up with, old favorites, some scary stuff and such.

Pac-Man - God we were so addicted to that ridiculous shit
Zelda Nintendo 64
Dragons Lair - Arcade version (Damn that game, Damn it.. so many quarters..)
Gauntlet - Arcade version (nothing like 3 of your best friends helping you kick the crap out of a video game)
Haunted House - Pinball
Teen Spirit - Nirvana
My mind is playn tricks on me - Scarface
Skating Rings
Pre-Microwave and my refusal to eat leftovers
My old birth year Dodge Dart that we used to blare music from while jumping on the hood. (Still the best car I ever had) (or maybe just the most durable)
Florescent Clothing
Cords - Aka corduroy pants
Blue Eyeshadow
Pre-Contact lenses and the fact that I spent from 4th grade until age 21 or so not seeing a damn thing. HAHA @ all those who rode in my car during that time.
Scott Keaton - The boy from the group home with no parents, or a mom who was a crackhead back when crack scared the hell out of most people. Now its a recreational drug.
Crack when it killed people.
When Lead paint was a problem.
I remember Elvis dying. I remember being a tiny tiny kid and my sister and mother crying like it was the end of the world. I remember wondering wtf was going on.
Rat Tails - all the boys had them. Some girls did too.
Foot tall cans of hair spray. Ive never used hair spray. I bet a lot of my friends wished I had.
I remember everything being considered satanic. That is, everything except for people like Jim Jones who mass murdered people while the rest of the fanatics were out burning kiss records to avoid the devil.


That is all.

Score!!!!

Joys Soul - 1 Life - 0

Thanks to you.

Name that song... please?

Ok who knows the name or the artist that sings that song that says "I dont know about yall but I know about us and its the only way we know how to rah?"

Ok laugh all you want but name that damn song its killing me. Besides, I need something to blare as I pull up to my parents house for Thanksgiving. If I dont have something loud and obnoxious they might not tell me to get the hell out, then, well you know, Ill be stuck there.

Angry Turkey Day

3 things I am 100% sure I will hear at Thanksgiving Dinner at my parents house.

1. Joys here!
2. You always ruin our holidays
3. Get the hell out


Yep, I know it sounds sad and dysfunctional, well it is dysfunctional but its not sad anymore. Id likely be disappointed or concerned if I didnt get to hear numbers 2 & 3 exclaimed outloud at least once. They are also always sweet enough to let me eat first. My mom even usually shoves turkey at me as my dad is yelling for me to get the hell out.

The Ugly Truth

Ok, Im sure this is going to sound completely freakish to most normal redblooded american males but here goes.
I like cartoons, pretty much just the twisted acid influenced ones. Spongebob, Sealab, Family guy, Futurama, Venture Brothers. Those are my fav's.
I like to get a good drunk on from time to time. I dont get mean. I get nice, and sweetly honest instead of the usual sober brutal honesty.
I like burbon... Crown Royal and Beam likely the top two. And I love a bottle of Captain Morgans rum from time to time. A whole fifth can last me from 1 night to a month. Depends on my mood.
I enjoy drinking some beers, Coors light the fav, but can even guzzle on some Miller High Life or Busch on a Sunday afternoon hoping my Phillys keep kickin ass this year because they dont get to do that much.
I like porn. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes I raise hell about how hard the men on them are to look at. Ron Jeremy, ew... wtf someone explain that one and Ill give you a dollar. And yea, sometimes it turns me on too.
I dont get insecure. Well of course I have days where I feel like I have to fall out of the ugly tree just to get outside, but I dont put that burden on others around me. Somedays I enjoy the way I look and then I do reflect that to people around me.
I dont tell anyone what to do. I am a control freak only to myself. And I dont do a hell of a great job at that either. But thats just me.
I encourage my mate to go out with his friends. Even if it means going with the boys on a week long trip. I dont worry about what they are going to do. This refers back to the realization of control issue. I dont believe you CAN control another human beings actions. You can suggest, and hope, but under no circumstance can you make another person want to not do something they have in mind or in their heart. This is free will. I wont accept someone trying to take mine either.
I dont whine. Im almost under-emotional in comparison to a lot of women who dramatize their personal pain or issues aloud.
I love video games. Rpgs, RTS and Sims being my favorite. But I also enjoy football, mortal kombat and other kick ass games where you just get to beat the shit out of each other. Im damn good at them all.
Im a 'dont ask if you dont want to know kind of girl'. Dont ask me a question that you dont want the answer to or if its going to cause you to run your mouth at me later. I dont do that to anyone. A good example is probably, How many people were you with before me? Well, moron, no matter the number its going to cause mouth leakage. So just dont push your insecurities at me. That will push me away and fast.
I like all music pretty much. Not country, but if you are a decent person Id even deal with it with a shut mouth (Mostly) for your sake. So dont tell me you are going to jump out of my car if I dont turn off my devil music. At least wait until I pull over. Circa: Jim Davis 1991. 2 year relationship ended when he told me while driving down the road. Its Danzig or me. I let him out, never spoke to him again.
I require very little affection and attention. Of course I'll take all I can get, but I dont HAVE to have it. I dont make my man hold my hand or proclaim ownership when suddenly surrounded by overzealous slutty women. Again, this is where free will comes in. If he wants them, he wont have me.
I am self entertaining. Give me a book and I'll be out of your hair for hours. 300 pages would give you about 6 hours of Joy-less time. Give me a video game and you just earned yourself days of it.
I am one of the guys. There is nothing that can be said that would offend me. Believe me, all my guy friends sit around talking about their exploits right in front of me without a second thought.
I appreciate everything. From someone sharing half a pizza with me, to just some old pervert buying me a beer in a bar. And I say so whenever I can.
I'm not catty. If a chick is around me hitting on my man, I let him take care of it mostly. If outright challenged, well, Ill just break out crazy bitch and they seem to run away fast enough. A glare followed by a devious smile works wonders.
I never cause public humiliation or attention. If I was out with a date or even a friend who did something horrific to me in public. Id do the glare and smile thing, until we got home. Then out comes crazy bitch until Ive spoken my piece. And then its over and done.
And most of all, I do not suffer from jealousy. Believe me when I say that people have tried to inspire it in me. I just dont have that piece of brain that makes you feel that perhaps. Or maybe it goes back to the free will thing. Sure, Ive seen a rich lady driving a Jag and thought 'damn, I wish I had that'. But Ive never felt that green with envy shit.

Now here is the freakish part. Some guys would read this and go "Hey! Thats my kind of girl." And perhaps I would be, as a friend. As a lover though, these same things tend to be the reasons my relationships fail. Suddenly the cool chick you hung out with and watched porn with is a pervert for doing that same thing. The chick who could hang with the guys as just another guy just HAS to be a whore to have so many male friends that love her. The music, video games and cartoons are a sign if immaturity. Not needing affection suddenly becomes a sign of how I must be getting it elsewhere. The lack of jealousy or attempting to control becomes the #1 reason why I must be coldhearted and uncaring.

It doesnt make any damn sense anymore. Im convinced there is not a male out there who can handle me from day 1 that the friendship turns into more. I dont mean that in a bragging sort of way, because thats another thing I never do. Friends admire, respect and appreciate what I am. Lovers hate, and get jealous over what I must be doing wrong when they arent looking. You know the old saying, if you get accused of something for long enough, you might as well just do it. Well, Im tired of living that way too.