Thursday, February 08, 2007

The loss of Innocence

When I was 12 I met the girl who I had no idea was going to be my best friend for life. We spent our time picking honeysuckle and fingerpainting hummingbirds and roses. Nary a harsh word came from our wonderfully innocent lips. La La La De De De....

Okay okay maybe we REALLY spent our time picking on our other friends and the hummingbirds and roses were REALLY tattoo's that we had both gotten by the time we were 20 or so but it was still just as lovely to us. Its fair to say that since we met we have had the chance to do about everything together. I know her kids, and they know me, she knows my kids and they know her. Its all been a grand example of when people write BFF on something except this time it really lasted. And luckily and oddly enough we both ended up with men who .. er... lets say walk a much straighter line then we do. Not that I am bragging, I am not. I am very thankful for my innocent man and I know Cathy is thankful for hers. So we started our friendship in Roanoke within walking distance from one another. And here, 21 years, holy crap did I just say 21 years? Yes 21 years later we ended up completely by accident living in another county and still within walking distance of one another. (Well we would have to walk since neither of us is currently allowed to drive) And again ironically, when she met T and I met D it was both within a month or so of each other. So even today we have both been with our innocent men for the same amount of time. My innocent one has put up with Cathy a bit and her innocent one has put up with me a bit too, albeit not always in a smiling loving manner, they still manage to cope with us. So while this post is also a tribute to my innocent man, this is REALLY a post to Cathys innocent man. Last friday he generously took me to weewee in a cup in our county. Then tomorrow he will again. Next week he has to take Cathy to see her P.O. and is still kind enough to take me for my weekly weewee. So I fashioned this mspaint picture to show how giving this innocent man really is.


THANK YOU T for putting up with both of us all along. And thanks for driving the felon xpress. Without you we both might be in jail... again.




Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Snow SARKS

I hate snow. I really hate snow. Even my dog hates snow. I dont want to play in it anymore. I dont want to drive in it.

You know. I also hate the heat. I guess if I had my way Id find a place where it is perpetually Autumn. Even spring is too warmish and humid. Fall is nice, temperate, crisp and clear breathing.


DOWN WITH SNOW

Monday, January 29, 2007

Omfg I Need a Monkey

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - An escaped chimpanzee at the Little Rock Zoo raided a kitchen cupboard and did a little cleaning with a toilet brush before sedatives knocked her out on top of a refrigerator.
The 120-pound primate, Judy, escaped Tuesday into a service area when a zookeeper opened a door to her sleeping quarters, unaware the animal was still inside.
As keepers tried to woo Judy back into her cage, she rummaged through a refrigerator where chimp snacks are stored. She opened kitchen cupboards, pulled out juice and soft drinks, and took a swig from bottles she managed to open.
Keeper Ann Rademacher says Judy went into the bathroom, picked up a toilet brush and cleaned the toilet. Rademacher says the 37-year-old Judy was a house pet before the zoo acquired her in 1988, so she may have been familiar with housekeeping chores. Judy wrung out a sponge and scrubbed down the fridge.
It took a couple of tries, but the zoo sedated the chimp, who fell asleep on top of the refrigerator with half a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread she had pulled out of the freezer.
The zoo veterinarian gave Judy a drug to bring her around. Rademacher says Judy was groggy but fine after the episode.
The zoo says there was no danger Judy would get out of the primate keepers service area and onto zoo grounds.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Needs and Fears

Interesting things I already knew about needs and fears. I used to be REALLY scared of people. I mean, I wasnt scared of them doing anything in particular to me. I wasnt scared of them trying to shank me in the face when I went outside, or trying to wrassle me to the ground or anything. I just got really nervous and would lock up or shut down when people I didnt know very well were around.

My approach to this problem was not unsual for me. I got mad. I got really pissed off that these people were in MY way, not I in theirs. So I boldly strode out to find them and dared them to make me fear them. Dared them to try to hurt me in some bullshit kind of way. And it did take time and I did go through a LOT of fear but I was angry that they could make me fear.

In the end I made a lot of good friends. One is still my best friend to this day. I have known her since I was 12. Most of you who have read my book would know her as Janet. Which was just about the time I started getting angry at people. I have no signs of agoraphobia that I had before. Oh every once in a while I still get nervous when I have to walk into a crowded place. I still dont really LOVE being immensely surrounded by people I dont know. But I dont believe that fear is entirely unnatural these days.

My mom used to take me to church with her when I was very little and we ALWAYS got there late. Which caused the entire church congregation to stop and stare at us. It was that little moment that brought all the fear back to me. And asking her to stop making me go to church was like asking the sky to stop being blue. So each time I had to deal with that I shrunk back into myself a little more at a time.

But in the end I found out that my need for some people in my life, Janet being one of them, was far more intense then my fear of them. I havent suffered any irrational fears about people in at least 15 years. They did take a while to get over. But I had the kind of friends that wouldnt leave you alone. Those were the exact kind of friends I needed. By the time I was 17 or so the intense shy girl had begun to disappear. Not only Janet but I didnt have one friend who would allow you to just sit there and be shy. Being shy around them cost you far more self security then just opening up and being yourself did. So my need for friends and companionship overrode those fears of people that I had in the beginning. And to this day I couldnt be more happy that I didnt waste more time being so alone.

This wont work for everyone. For some people they need to take the little steps. Jumping headlong into shit for some may cause them to backtrack and become more fearful if that can even be fathomed. But for those people maybe they cant quite handle a Janet yet, but they could handle a short conversation on the phone first. A quiet night at home conversing with a newfound friend. Little bit by little bit they will find that the need has overridden the fear. It may take years, but what else do you have but time?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Use of Force

Okay so on December 15th I had a rather bad experience. I apparently had an icky reaction to some medication mixed with Sparks. Sparks is not appearing to be such a good idea anymore. In my opinion, the powers that be meant for you to pass out when you drink. Getting drunk and being full of energy can lead to bad bad things.

Such as Tasers. Yes I was tasered. And not by a good friend goofing off and desiring me to smash them in the face. By the PO LEECE. Near as I can recall I was pulled over in Vinton. That is where things get hazy. Wait, I am not going to lie, most of the night was hazy. But in the spirit of good luck, this was one of those nights it failed me. I was NOT drunk. I was on meds that you are not supposed to drink on. Apparently I had the 'mother of all bad reactions'.


Near as I can remember this is what went down.

Cut Scene

Riding in unidentified friends van.

Cut Scene

Riding in unidentified friends car.

Cut Scene

Riding to unidentified friends house.

Cut Scene

Police flinging me from unidentified friends vehicle telling me I smelled like a brewery. (I had one Sparks around noon that day, this was around 11pm)

Cut Scene

Police asking me if I would take a BAC and making comments assuming I wouldnt.

Cut Scene

Naked wrasslin with jail deputies.

Cut Scene

Taser lines comin' right for me!

Cut Scene

Locked down naked in the Hannibal chair.

Cut Scene

Waking up 2 days later, naked and cold in a cell.

Sorry NAACP but this entire incident proves that you can recieve unneccesary use of force without being

A) Black
B) Male
C) Underprivledged

I was covered in bruises from head to toe, and now instead of being forced to check with my doctor about having a bad reaction to medications, I am going to have to undergo Pre-Trial drug testing. No biggy seeing as how I wont fail those, but the point should be obvious. No one is immune to the royal shit treatment where our government is concerned.

Monday, January 01, 2007

New Year 2007

Wish I could say it was happy but unfortunately there is always some miserable asshole waitin in the back ground to make sure no one can be happy.

I will wonder forever how people like that can exist.

I made no resolutions this year, I feel like I was doing amazingly well just keeping last years, my first ever resolution.

So in light of giving back the gift I was given for new years this year I just have one thing to say...

DOUGLAS ALLEN LYNSKEY JUNIOR

You are one miserable motherfucker. Fortunately, no matter how strong you thought you were, you weren't strong enough to bring me down to your hateful level of bitterness. Quit taking out your anger on me and direct it to where it belongs, or forever remain a pussy in the eyes of mankind.

When busted in the face for disrespecting me this guys reply was 'Im not a fighter'

Odd that, the only broken bones Ive ever had came from him. I guess 'Im not a fighter' only applies to men. If it had been a woman who busted his lip, they would have gotten a broken face.

Dick, play your games with someone else.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Wow

Wow. I just began to recognize that I have been blogging for a while now. And with that comes the starkly obviously knowledge that even if I don't feel like I am a seriously committment minded person that I do stick with things for more then brief periods of time. One day I may figure out the fine line between committment and responsibility.

I have no problems walking away from a committment, of any type, if it involves drama, heartache or just trouble in general. But call it a responsibility and Im stuck for life.

All the above is only living proof that you will remain confused about certain aspects of yourself, no matter your age, until you address and face them down one by one.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

David Allen Coe

You never even called me by my name.....

Download this song its great if you havent heard it yet.


I also hate country, unless its David Allen Coe

Monday, December 04, 2006

Dull Angry People

What is with some people who are the type that can not stand to see others happy. They usually don't act this out randomly in public but I KNOW if anyone reading this has had a few long term relationships that they have likely had this experience.

Look life has handed me some pretty horrific piles of crap in the past. Every man I have been with has been an utter piece of shit, and I mean that in the deepest sense of the words 'utter' and 'shit'. But I dont hate all men because of it, hell I dont even have any hardcore serious trust issues that stem from it. I still give them all equally a chance regardless of their predecessors actions.

But there are people who just cant live without having someone else to make miserable. I dont get that, when I am miserable, I dont want miserable company. Of course I dont want to be crying while someone is cheerleading and asking me if I want to make cookies, but I dont like company in misery. I like someone else to be there standing stronger then I can at that moment.

Why on earth would you want to bring everyone down to the desolate state you are in? Dont you realize that then everyone who surrounds you is weakened and vulnerable too? Who is going to pick you up? Who is going to offer comfort no matter how realistic it is?

Boggled.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Sports, Religion & Politics

Since I am not going to be participating in the family thing this Thanksgiving (personal choice for no reason at all besides just wanting a turkey sammach at home) I figured I would just post here in continuing my efforts to destroy/ruin/fuck-up Thanksgiving.


SPORTS

My team is the best and your team sucks. Thats all there is to it, this is the most simple arguement of the uglies. It doesnt even matter who my team is, or yours either. Its just a fact, get used to it.

RELIGION

Most people who follow organized religion would use a statement VERY similar to the sports statement to describe their own personal religion. And although I can seriously appreciate the sarcasm of that, I cant be that glib about a subject that has caused the slaughter of millions of people for ...ever now. All I can seriously say is 'Come on, isnt thinking that YOUR God is the best, that YOUR God is the 'One' and that anyone elses God is a false idol... .well isnt that just as bloated and egotistical as we are when we say 'This has to be the only inhabitable planet ever in the Cosmos.' If you believe that way then there is little I can say to help you, except for strap on those Nikes and grab a fuckin telescope PLEASE.

POLITICS

Ok Id love to rant on about how much of a helpless monkey Bush really is but more important at this moment is all the soldiers serving the USA all over the world. Bring them home you moron we cant govern the whole world, and FUTHERMORE, they dont want our help. Its their country, let them build it the way they want, or destroy it just the same.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sigh

Im still here.. still reading all the usual blogs, just been busy with some new things popping up in life.

Ill get to posting again soon :D

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Chase and Me and 4am

A friend of mine that logs on to MSN from time to time just kills me. He logs on and we have these absolutely bullshit convos that no one understands and that would likely get us locked up for life for if anyone found them. I am going to share a few pieces of it here because I am bored and tired of laughing my guts out. So if you ever have completely random bullshit convos on IM then you may understand the humor in this. If not, you are missing out.

[04:02] Chase: bunch of wierdos on late
[04:02] Joy: no kidding
[04:04] Joy: all kinds of loonys come out
[04:04] Joy: so how is your big toe?
[04:04] Joy: and is the silverware still talking to you?
[04:05] Chase: forks more than spoons
[04:05] Chase: figure that one out for me
[04:05] Chase: could be the next big book......
[04:05] Joy: hmm
[04:05] Chase: speaking of big books, have you punched oprah yet?
[04:05] Joy: is it telling u to use sporks?
[04:05] Joy: hell no
[04:05] Joy: that wench is one slippery ho

[04:15] Chase: wanna get married?
[04:16] Joy: i swear
[04:16] Joy: we should
[04:16] Chase: i always wanted to marry and up and commer
[04:16] Joy: i dont think anyone else could possibly understand us
[04:16] Joy: i mean
[04:16] Joy: what if they wanted us to stop shanking ppl in the face
[04:16] Joy: Im not willing to change THAT much for someone u know
[04:16] Chase: i don't think the justice of the peace would let us bring a flamethrower to the courthouse though
[04:16] Joy: fuck... man no they dont i seen it on a sign too
[04:17] Chase: may have to get married under mormon law
[04:17] Chase: never read anything about flamethrower hate
[04:17] Chase: on the plus side, i could have like 9 other wives
[04:17] Chase: hopefully none of them bitch, or that would be kinda bad
[04:23] Chase: how the fuck do you catch a drift anyway?
[04:23] Joy: i fell in one once
[04:23] Chase: catch herpes?
[04:24] Joy: not yet
[04:24] Chase: thats good
[04:24] Joy: i knowez
[04:24] Chase: you will when i can kiss the bride though
[04:24] Chase: i'm a big slut
[04:24] Joy: Oh and no punching me in the kidneys during sex
[04:24] Joy: i dont think i like that anymore
[04:25] Chase: this may not work
[04:31] Chase: i have a 5lb sledgehammer for divorces


[04:49] Chase: you don't make the leap from middle school girls to porn stars
[04:49] Joy: they dont see the benefit of having three arms either i guess
[04:49] Joy: how else can a man drink a beer.. hold the remote and whack it
[04:49] Chase: where is the third arm coming from?
[04:49] Joy: straight out the chest
[04:49] Chase: oh that one is easy, get married
[04:50] Chase: either the whack it or the beer
[04:50] Chase: lord knows a woman can't handle a remote

Monday, September 11, 2006

9/11 Prepare to be Politically Pissed

First I do want to say that I do remember and honor those who lost their lives on that tragic day in our worlds history. I want to make it clear that this post has no ill intentions towards the families of those lost, nor the soldiers and the families who have suffered the same losses since this horrible day.

I am going to make it clear though and I hope that this will reach at least one person not living in the USA in effort to make them understand that if you think US Citizens blindly follow their governments lead then you likely haven't spent more then one day in the country, or one hour reading its thoughts and feelings on this whole fuckin' mess.

On September 11th 2001 I was at work at Maple Leaf Bakery. I was doing some sneaky IRC'n from my computer when someone online told me to get to a T.V. quick. I ran to the conference room and cut on the television where I immediately seen WTC 1 on fire. Not being an overly emotional person I was shocked to feel tears on my face. The pictures by then were just of the first building burning and the reporters were already crying and cowering because the first people had just started jumping from the buildings. As opposed to a lot of thick minded Americans my first thought wasn't 'we should kill who did this to us' but 'we did this, we did this to ourselves.' No I dont mean that the people in the WTC and the Pentagon were responsible. I mean each and every one of us was responsible. We had all grown fat and complacent in our security. We, as a country, who twenty years before had questioned our governments every move, had given up like tired little soldiers when it came to fighting for the truth. Oh, there were still some fighters out there, but as a nation we had just said 'fuck it, let them handle it' and did nothing to demand answers from those we place in office here. I was never a patriotic person because of this and short of feeling a sense of pride in my FELLOW MAN, I still to this day am not the patriotic citizen posterchild for the USA.

Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
W. L. George

Immediately I realized that my boss, the only one I had ever really liked and even loved would be on a plane today. I recall people slowly filing into the conference room behind me. No one spoke, they just watched. As we were watching just then the second plane hit WTC 2. A man behind me cried. The phone rang and we all looked at it as if it were a hissing cobra. I am sure we all had the same thought then, was it Al? Was he ok? No one wanted to answer it, but here we stood, at work, knowing someone had to do it. People were jumping out of 100 story windows to avoid burning alive and we were scared to answer the damned phone. That same sick feeling that I had felt when I turned on the T.V. moments ago had intensified in the pit of my stomach. A country so strong built on the backs of the weakest. God? Are you there? I didn't think so just checking though..

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.
Edward R. Murrow (1908 - 1965)

"Joy? Are you guys ok there?" It was Al, and he was safe. He was stuck in Vegas because of the grounded planes. Thank God, thanking a person I never thanked for preventing a tragedy that never would have happened. So maybe someone was there....

I will never forget that day and the things I seen that were not on the T.V. I remember the grocery store being so eerily quiet and devoid of the things that were usually only gone when a snow storm crept up. No bread, no milk. I remember that even the children I seen that day after work were all extra quiet. They seemed to know that silence was the motion of the day. I remember sitting in my car at a redlight, listening to the radio with tears rolling down my face and looking at the car to my left and seeing an older man doing exactly as I was, grieving. I remember the air force jets that blasted back and forth overhead that day, breaking the sound barrier and little pieces of our patriotic little American hearts each time they flew by. I remember spending a lot of time glaring at the sky, waiting for my own personal last moment and wondering what form it would take. This was war.

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

When the first plane hit of course at first we all thought it was just a horrible accident. As the second hit, we knew it wasn't. It wasn't long after the second plane hit that we all began milling around, finding excuses for not working, turning people with appointments away because of the impacting things we had just seen. And then I thought, this is why we are at fault. In the blaring face of the tragedy, it was so much easier to ignore then to watch. This is how we got here in the first place.

A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Caskie Stinnett

Then the other things I witnessed, things that gave me an ounce of faith in my country for just a fleeting moment. People helping each other, empathy in the eyes of people strangers to us. That look that said 'if you need me I am here,' that we all gave each other while being still wary of who the enemy may be. Teenage boys with mohawks and chains helping an old lady to her car with her groceries and everyone watching knowing that they WERE helping her, not robbing her. Such tragedy that led to a short-lived newfound peace, but a peace I have yet to witness again and hope never to again if it only follows horrors upon horrors.

Of course in the days, the weeks that followed I randomly joined in the fray with the other bloodthirsty Americans that wanted retribution for this horror. Someone is responsible, lets find them and see that they 'come to justice'. Which in US-English means KILL THEM, DESTROY an EYE FOR AN EYE. So in the early days of the war we were all just as blinded by the excuses that were hoisted at us. We ALL enjoyed hearing about the bombings, the revenge, the loathing of the group of people responsible. And it took a few years and a lot of dead soldiers to begin to change the minds of the biggest hunters of retribution in the USA.

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of. Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Now five years later, we have lost more soldiers to this 'war on terrorism' then we did in the act itself. We have divided our own country more deliberately then the terrorist did on that day so long ago by having to choose our sides. The side that gives and saves lives or the side that seeks oil and profit. Come on, I am not a bleeding liberal nor am I a tight-assed republican, I am just human, but this human sees something behind this war that shouldn't ever have come into play. There were body parts all over the ground at the WTC site the day of the attacks and I am quite sure they resemble a lot of the parts that mothers and fathers, husbands and wives are getting back in nice little pine boxes covered in American flags daily from the Mid-East. And thats just bitter old lazy ass us. The same US that sat around not giving a fuck until some radical assholes stole some of our planes and used them to kill our citizens. What about the people who are caught in the crossfire of this 'war on terrorism'? Crossfire includes Iraqi civilians. Crossfire includes our own youth who are missing key parts of their own families to this war.

We are the people our parents warned us about.
Jimmy Buffett

Dont even fuckin tell me that in a world where I can get online even out in the fuckin stix and use a GIS system to see if my mother is home 30 miles away, that we can't find, pin-point and 'bring to justice' the people directly responsible for this mass murder, that we dont know where the hell a few terrorist are lurking. I am getting sick and fucking tired of hearing about how 'we spotted Bin Laden today but lost him as he ran into the mountains of Pakistan' when our military intelligence is likely surpassed by no country on earth. I bet if I looked hard enough, I could probably find a live fuckin feed of Bin Laden and Bush having dinner in a bunker somewhere and toasting each other with barrels of oil. Keep feeding us that bullshit while we watch soldiers brought home in body bags for just simply doing their jobs. Keep acting like this all about exacting revenge when its about continuing the Bush Family Legacy.

Keep up the ignorance America, your government is depending on it.

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad.
Bob Edwards

Saturday, September 09, 2006

JFC WTF

GOD Ill be so glad when summer is over. I dont know why I just think it sucked balls this year. I love the fall so I am looking forward to it, and yes I am even looking forward to the damn freezing ass cold winter... but as for the summer.... welp, it was just lame this year. Lame, Lame, Lame.

In other news

Weman still sux irl

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Book Sales

Well, at the end of August my first royalty check for my book sales will be sent out. I am anxiously awaiting.

In other news

Weman sux irl

Friday, July 28, 2006

Happy B-Day

Happy B-Day Mike!

Ok thats my son, today is his *gulp* 17th birthday. And while even saying or typing that in makes me feel old there is a lot to be said here. He is already 2 years older then I was when he was born. We have done a lot of growing up together. When he was in Kindergarten I was in college, we did our homework together every night. Although he likely doesn't even believe it, I am proud of him in a way only parents are of their children. He doesn't have to do anything, he doesn't have to get straight A's in school and he doesn't need some phenomenal accomplishment for me to say that. I am just proud that he is my son, and that we have made it this far together. He may still not like me very much, as I have never taken the 'my child is my friend' attitude. He is not my friend, not yet anyway. When he is 18, we can start being friends. Until then, I am his mother, I do not allow any disrespect and maybe twice in his life he has attempted it. Which reminds me of something that happened not long ago that makes me smile and is another reason for my pride in him. I have been an unbelievably strict parent. I guess it goes back to feeling like I did not bring children into the world to destroy it, or to make it more miserable. If they can't add something to it, I hope they will not injure it. But it has caused more then one round of major fighting in our short time together so far. One story makes me grin no matter what.

We were riding in the car and although I can't remember what the argument was about in particular, we were disagreeing on something trivial I'm sure. And although he has always been allowed freedom of speech, if that freedom causes disrespect thats where we bash heads. Bash heads is a little far out there, more like a one sided head butt while the other person glares. So I am pissed and he is rambling and the conversation ended like this. I believe he was 15 at the time.

Mike: You don't even know me!
Joy: Don't know you? DONT KNOW YOU? You are ME how could I not know you???
Mike: What do you mean?
Joy: Only a blind person, or a child wouldn't see that we are exactly alike. When we are around other people in the family or just my friends WE are the only ones that even understand what we are saying. You have the same temperment and personality that I did at your age. Hell Michael, you cant even walk past me with candy in your pocket without me knowing. Just get over it.
Mike: This is BULLSHIT

Tires screech to a halt on the pavement. Mikes eyes get huge, he immediately starts apologizing. (not that I dont have entirely foul language, not that I dont know where he got it from, not that I blame him for using it in that moment, but I am his mother and he knows better then to talk to me that way or curse even NEAR me. To this day the foulest thing I've ever heard him say was "You know, after a certain time of night they can say 'shit' on tv and get away with it)

Joy: Ok well look. I really want to be pissed at you and I still am because you dont know what the hell you are talking about, but son, that took balls, big balls and it proves that you have a mind of your own. I'd never punish you for that so quit apologizing.
Mike stares, he doesn't trust what I am saying.
Joy: No, you cant say that kind of thing to me, and I DONT like it nor do I appreciate it. But I would have said no less, likely worse. Congradulations, you are growing up and learning that things can suck sometimes. Even if its just something as simple as being referred to as being just like your mother.
Mike sighs.

I go home and go to my bedroom and have a great big laugh. He is me, he doesn't like it, but its the truth.


I love you Michael

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Messin around with EQ shit


Sorry Dan I know you are going to scream when you see EQ on here but here goes

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Its time!!!




If you are interested in purchasing my book then visit www.publishamerica.com and do a search for Cover Me. Or you can call about any local bookstore and order it delivered to a location near you!!

Of course any bloggers I will be glad to sign a copy for, once you purchase the book send me an email at dragoncave@msn.com and I will give you the information to send me the book \. I will sign it and return it to you!

Thanks again to the wonderful people who kept me blogging and kept me thinking without giving up hope. It really has meant everything in completing this book and seeing through to the end :)

Saturday, June 24, 2006

The hard part

Well here comes the hardest part for me. The book is set to be released in 2 more days and I now have to go to each of the parents of the boys I wrote the book about and present them with a copy, and hope that they will feel it did them justice. Questions and concerns just keep rattling me. I know all these parents well too, Steves mom is so sweet and kind hearted, and very sensitive. She will cry, a lot. Robbies Mom and Dad are a bit of a different story. His dad is a bit hardcore while his mom is a bit more reserved but a lot more judgemental. I get the feeling that both of them will look at me with a bit more respect, but still remain wary of my intentions. Then there is Bens mom. I think shes the hardest, she knew me as a little kid too, and a messed up one. She is going to be the hardcore honest one. If she thinks I had no right to say those things she will tell me. The same thing I love her for I fear from her. Its always been that way with Diane. I know its pointless to worry at this point but I dont want any of these parents to feel like 'who the hell is she to write about my child'. I guess I feel that way because all along I have put myself in their shoes and wondered if Id feel the same if someone wrote a book about my deceased child.

Ill just keep telling myself I did it out of love, because thats exactly why I did. I love those boys still to this day and no matter how happy I ever become in my lifetime I will still look forward to the day that I get to see them again. Its more then comforting to know with positivity that I will.