Monday, January 21, 2008

Azathoth Souls - To Jeff

The day this blog began I was in such a low place. I was recently seperated and forcing myself to deal with all the things I had ignored for years. Almost every word I typed into this blog was punctuated with at least one tear. I didnt expect anyone to respond. I didnt think I cared if they did. I was doing it for me, for my heart and soul. Not even a week into posting I got a comment from someone that touched me. I like to think I have an extra sense but I dont think its extra. I think its something we all have, yet most ignore. But when this guy posted on my site, the words werent what shook me. It was the feeling I had in reading his words. The pull of my soul, the pressure in my chest, the feeling that my entire world was for a moment, pulled into this one little post. I suppose I went on and ignored it as most of us do. I didnt think it was going to be a regular thing. I forced ignorance on myself to save myself, as I always do.

A couple days later he posted again.

It wasnt just the words that he used to talk to me. It was the peace it brought me. The compassion and the instructions. the truth and the consequences. It was the notion that the things he said I knew, I just was not willing to give myself the credit he gave me. It was as if he knew me, truly knew me, and not the me I let others see to judge me by. An Azathoth a day kept my demons at bay for quite some time. Until his post I didnt honestly believe that there was a man alive that could really understand. One that was sensitive to my feelings and my world. He held me above water through the entire book I wrote. Without his helping hands I would have drowned in the pain and misery of it all long before I finished it. I kept looking at his post and realizing that they almost directly reflected my exact feelings.

In loving his soul I learned to love my own. They were so similar... I was so hard on myself while praising his every word to me as gold. It took a couple of years but then one day, I sat down to think about this guy. The one who was there for me so long. I had nothing but love for him. His kindness was more then touching, at times it was all I had. And I realized that I reached out to him just as he reached to me. And I learned very very confidently that we WERE alike. And if we were alike. I couldnt be all that bad, because I KNEW he was wonderful.

We use the word love so freely that it dimishes it in my opinion. And sometimes we ignore it to save ourselves some pain. Then again, sometimes we dont really know how intense a feeling is until it is put to a test.

When I read my email today and seen Az taking his leave of blogger, I started crying. It was truly only then that I realized the impact of it all, and how it has affected my own spirit. I can now clearly see that we are not put on this earth with only a mirror image of ourselves. We really are not limited to facing a lifetime of believing that there is only one other soul that is our mate as we strive through the thickest adversities to find them. No, indeed I can see now that this is far from reality. In reality, we come upon dozens, hundreds, thousands of other humans and occasionally for some, rarely for others, do we find another person who our soul is instantly and inexplicably drawn towards. I have met thousands of people face to face and thousands of people online and yet to this day I can still easily name the people who came into my life, who I felt my entire being, the soul and spirit, my very essence drawn to as a moth to a flame. Helplessly, yet so far from hopelessly. I imagine its somewhat of what a death is like, a moment suspended where you are weightless, peaceful and once and for all at home.

I don't pretend to know what is there for us after this life is over. But something in the core of me tells me I know these souls, the ones whom I have an instant affinity with, and that I have known them, held them, loved them, and been with them all along. I have no fear whatsoever that it is the last time I will know them. Sometimes I look for them in every face in a crowd and sometimes I just let myself enjoy their invisible presence in my life.

If you have any trouble recognizing with whom you may share this affinity there is one sure way to know it. You wish for their happiness, you pray for their peace. You never begrudge them anything and hope in your heart for them to have a safe journey even if you know your paths may never cross again. You set them free and let the world guide them, let their souls guide them...

Until we meet again