Thursday, January 27, 2005
Its hard to impress someone with your womanly charms when you are standing on your own couch screaming shit like "HAHAHHA BIOTCH, WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS YEAH, WOOHOO, DIE NE BITCHES"
On a side note, lets bow our heads to give our respects to the INSANELY ugly loss that Pittsburgh suffered. Oh, and thats Cd's team.
He hasnt spoken to me since sunday.
If you have posted on my blog and dont mind me linking to you then let me know!
I have blog roller all ready to go and I want to make sure its ok with the following people to link.
Angry Nice Guy
I have more but for now these are the ones I want to get blogrollin~
Monday, January 24, 2005
What is so funny to me is that Im so old, so jaded and so smart.. that no one can even remotely pull a "game" on me. These games men play are only humorous to me. And only humorous because I have played them all, successfully. And when they play the games with me, I recognize them right off. Its all I can do not to laugh.
Some things that have inspired but not quite gotten a full hardy laughter from me this week alone.
"This chick told me to come over so she could show me her tits"
"I spoke to my ex gf last week and she told me...."
"Yeah Ill watch the game with you"
Then he didnt because...
"I got over there after Tammy left, I used to date her, I wanted to see her again"
So Lol@guys worldwide who do this shit to smart women who are silently laughing while feeling pathetically sorry for any man who thinks this type of conversation isnt "playing games"
I dont play games no more. I won them all. And when I won? I found myself alone.
Good Job morons!
Sunday, January 23, 2005
Anyone have any cool Sim, rpg, sports or other interesting games that are downloadable that I can get a link to?
It doesnt have to be a game, a cool proggy to screw around with would be just as fun.
Friday, January 21, 2005
1 thing is that, sex isnt everything. Well ok yes I knew this but I am a redblooded, redhaired oversexed american female. So even though I already knew this, it still came as a shock to hear it fall from yet another mans lips.
2nd. Cd told me "You wanna know what I think?"
Cd: I think you are falling in love
Joy: I wouldnt know
Too bad Im not one of those suicidal people. Id just go ahead and shoot myself in the face right now.
Falling in love? I dont think thats possible. Not for me. I love with as much passion as I hate with. Shouldnt I be the first to notice?
Just how do you know if you are "falling in love"?
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Really? Who the fuck notices that?
Freezing Man: Damn, it sure is cold out here
Freezing Woman: The thermometer says 24 degrees
Freezing Man: No way, it cant be more then 20 degrees out here
Freezing Woman: It says 24
Freezing Man: Incomprehensible
Freezing Woman: eh?
Freezing Man: Im going back inside until it FEELS like its 24 degrees
Freezing Woman: me too
This weather is bullshit. No to snow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Girl stands astonished. Girl is extremely confused.
"When did I lose control on who gets to make the sex decision"
Girl goes to bed confused.
Then a wonderfully giving person gave me MANY pictures of my long lost angel. And I thanked her too many times while holding back tears from seeing his face so real again but in a picture cupped in my hands. As I jumped in my dads car the tears really flowed and kept on most of the way home.
Again, with the realization that no matter how down, or sad or mad or hurt I am at any given moment, nothing hurts like that did. Everything else is uphill in a sense.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Now I have DSL, and Im all ready to have a download-o-thon. Except, I cant download a damn thing because with the OS and the programs I use that I MUST have... I am only allotted 107 mb at the moment.
Thanks Mr. Gates.
Monday, January 10, 2005
The same day I made that post. I was heading to work and I asked for a sign. I thought the peaceful feeling, the change in the air, and the song on the radio was my sign. And I knew who was sending it. I just didnt know why. Or why now. Steve was always a joker. Never took anything too serious, except one person, one love, one relationship.
A few days later I received an email from someone who meant more then life to him. In the last months of his life he talked to me about her constantly. He just wanted the pain gone, wanted her back, and didnt know how to do either. I tried to help. I was there for him. Its the only way I knew how to help. 12 years later. I read her email and just froze. In our childhoods Steve and I were the closest of friends. Its what made it so easy to pick up where we left off. I had went my seperate way as did he. But we came back together again for some reason. I think Im starting to understand why.
This has been one of the biggest nagging questions Ive had. Why? Why bring him into my life only to have him leave it again, forever?? Why bring my best friend back and then take him from me, when I needed him the most?
I never got it. I never understood, and I spent a lot of time hating over it. I think I know why now. All these years, all the time I felt I suffered alone, there was someone else suffering too. His sweetheart, his girl. The only girl Id ever known him to actually want to be with. I had no idea she still thought of him. But I do now. And I have to say, that I feel damn sure that I now know why he was sent to me, to spend the time with me that he had, before he died.
I was the one person he had he could talk to, besides her. The one that wouldnt give him shit for being in love or taunt him like the guys did. I was the one who listened. I was the one who heard him pour his heart out over her night after night. And I was the one living with the guilt over his death on my very soul.
So someone had to be around to share this message. He knew he was going to die soon. He knew he couldnt talk to her and convince her of the things he was telling me nightly. And Im sure he knew she would love him forever, just as I do. Now I just have to talk to her, spend some time telling her the things he shared with me, because finally, I feel like thats the answer to my 'Why?'
Because you were my friend. Because you loved me, as no one else on earth ever had, besides her. Because I knew if I told you what I felt, that eventually you would share it with her. Because you were my friend, and sometimes, we have no choice in burdening the ones we love with our pain. Sometimes when you love someone enough, it just happens. Sometimes when you love someone enough, you dont have to ask them for a thing. They pick up your burdens and run away with them as fast as they can, to spare you. No bad intentions are found in true love and friendship. Because I know you will remember me, and honor me, and carry on my message when the time is right. Because I see your pain and I know that only one person on earth shares it with you. And its time for you two to find some joy in the pain. Because I love you both, my best friend, and my only love.. I will be here for you both, to walk you home, when the time comes.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.
What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!
1) There is no one as smart/funny/beautiful/skilled at _____ as you are - Really? Boy is this one going to come down like a load of bricks when little Tommy finds out the time it takes him to rebuild an Alternator.. while incredibly fast, is still 5 minutes slower then all of the other guys at the shop. Whats wrong with telling your kid the truth? Hey, daughter... you are the most beautiful girl in the world to me, but there are a LOT of beautiful girls out there, expect competition. I think telling our kids to expect road blocks and the barriers of our own limitations is perfectly acceptable.
2) All drugs are just as bad as the others - Really? Well your 12 year old son just tried pot last night for the first time. And the only question he has now is... Well, mom said ALL drugs were horrible and would kill me quickly. And well, that pot didnt hurt me at all. I wonder what heroin is really like then??? hmm. In the least I hope you are telling them proven scientific facts. Such as how nicotine is far more addictive then any drug there is.
3) Dont live in a fantasy world - Really? How many of us walk around hardcore reailty 100% of the time. I know damn good and well if it werent for the few moments of fantasy that I can leech out of each day, Id be a bald stark raving lunatic by now. Long ago actually. Dont steal from your kids the stuff being a kid is made of, and if you can carry that into your adulthood, you have just avoided getting old for a very long time.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
So today I was headed out to grab up some ground hog time at work, about an hour before I planned on catching a ride with Cd up to the house to get a couple of things. And I feel peaceful for some reason. So I feel like its time to confront the issue. I did the "give me a sign" thing in my head. Give me a sign that the direction I am heading is the right one. I feel for once, all at once, that someone is with me. Comforting, lifting me up. I feel amazingly light in my truck seat. Right before I jumped in the truck I was playing the song Soul to squeeze by RHCP on my computer. The second I thought about wanting a sign, the second I got that light airy feeling. Subconsciously I reached for the radio. Subconsciously I hit The Bear. 97.3 on my dial even though the channel I usually listen to was up and playing a song I also enjoyed. And there was the song. Soul to squeeze. In the very first beat of the song I knew the coincidence. Thats when I began crying. Almost instantaneously. Not out of fear or sadness. Out of utter relief. My angels were with me. The air in the truck was crisp. The crying felt good. 'Ding! For once you have made the right decision' And before I could stop myself, I found myself saying outloud in the truck..."Ok!! Ok!! I get it guys.... I get it." I released a tense breath I didnt know I was holding. Laughing, smiling, bouncing,crying. Never in my life have I gotten such a clear answer when asking my angels "is this it?"
Is that where you have been hiding? I wonder. In my music? Well, I do realize now that since Ben died music has taken on an age old meaning with a whole new need for me. I always used music to "get over" things. But until that very moment I didnt realize that I had become something I wasnt before Ben and Steve were gone. I just noticed that moment that every day I get up and the first thing I do is turn on my pc and hit a playlist in my mp3 player. Is that where they have been sending me signs from? Well, I do have about the weirdest combonation of musical taste on my pc. It starts to make some sense. I felt Steves cheshire cat grin all over my face. My blog is covered in my need to sooth and comfort with the music. All of it. Have you been there all along?
Ok, no. Im not crazy at all. Not even close. I might be wild or unruly, but crazy no. Im sure anyone watching this is thinking Im a lunatic. Nothing could have brought me to care at that moment. My sleeping soul stirred. Slowly. Its stirring now still. Something is waking up. I can feel it. I can count on one hand the times in my life I have felt "above the clouds." I usually am the clouds. The darkest deepest ones full of rain and thunder and lightening. The ones that look so much like the real ones hanging over Roanoke at that moment. This was an above the clouds moment.
Mick comes over. The first thing he says is.. "You look better!" I just now realized that I should have messed with him and asked better then what?? But I just caught up to that. At the moment he asked. I smiled huge and said, 'I feel better!' We talk about our new relationships going on and we both look at each other and laugh. "Im used to having sex on the first date or asap type shit" I said.
"HAHAAHAAHHA" is all he could say. "So am I". There we sat giggling like two demented sex demons.
"But, this is kind of nice" Mick says.
"Sure it is", demented smile.
Again the laughter. But we know we mean it. He asked me earlier on the roof. In jest of course. "So what do you think we are doing right this time?""Im not sure, lets just keep doing it""Good with me"
"Heads up!" the redhead on the roof yells as the shingles hit the ground below where she will toss them onto her truck.
SOD, and old hardcore band blares out from the roof of this house in a neighborhood where Nelly songs with Tim Mcgraw are considered having too much blood in your rap stream.
Two slightly twisted but honest, hardworking people who deserve a chance at something better in life are laughing as they sing out the words to a song that will disgust any of the neighborhood folks on Day Ave.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Dal- for gods sake please quit drinking before you kill someone. I stayed with you for so long out of guilt, out of feeling like if I left you, and you drank and drove, or just ended up with a woman not as strong as I, you would kill someone. I dont want someone elses soul weighing on mine. I already have 2 of those. It hurts endlessly. Please change, for you. I will never be a part of your life again. Sadly, someone who has learned the lessons I have learned, can even appreciate the lessons you taught me about trust, marriage and relationships. Not good lessons, but ones I will take with me to my death.
Kt - god hes always there for me right when I need him. And he silently drifts away when he sees I dont need him anymore. Incredible.
Cd - too much, too nice, too scarey, but god it feels good to be near another adult who can conversate.. and he doesnt drink or hit women
Kelley - My sister. Even when shes not around I know shes there for me. I just always know. I love her endlessly.
Azathoth - So much like me. Im more then glad I stumbled upon your blog and hopefully one day I can offer a small piece of what you have given me, in return for all your kindness and thoughtfulness towards me. You are priceless to me.
BM - Great balls on you for sure. You remind me of people who have passed through my life. You remind me of the type of people I want to stop passing by and stay with me a while :). Your poetry just stuns me sometimes. A lot of the time I just read it and I have nothing in comparison to offer in reply to it. Making people speechless is the goal of any good writer.
To the other bloggers who have stopped by to make comments, I appreciate those too. If a bunch of strangers always took the time to stop, and offer advice or friendship or kindness like you all do, then Id feel much better leaving my children in this world when I go. Its on blind faith that I hope my family, friends and the people I love always cross paths with people like you all.
To my missing angels.....January 3rd 2005
That means that Ive been missing you, Steve, for almost 12 years now. I cant even believe that myself. My boy, my running mate, my partner in crime, the first boy I kissed, my best friend. You were, you are, all those things to me. Everytime I think about you I remember the dream, the night you died. I remember the cheshire cat grin you had often. I remember the sneaky shit we used to do. I remember the partying, I remember the laughter, I remember the common ground we stood on with each other. I remember you putting your arm over my shoulders when I was about 12, to walk me to your house in the snow, when I was crying like a baby. I remember your efforts to protect me, though you were the same size as me. I remember all the nights we hung out. I remember all the mornings I woke up freezing in your car, sleeping in the same bucket seat as you. I remember thinking it was a good thing we were both so small or we would have froze to death one of those nights. I remember how you loved your mustang. I remember how you loved your aunt and granny. I remembered how you loved me. I remember that although you were a part of a big family, you were in essence just as I was. Alone.
Now I am alone without you. Now I have gone on 12 more years without a little piece of my heart that I grew so fond of. I remember the ache in my chest the night I learned you died. I still have the guilt fresh on my soul for feeling responsible for your death. I could have kept you here. I remember I learned that night to sacrifice anything, if you love and value someone enough to. But only if they dont ask. Someone who truly loves you wouldnt. You didnt. I remember the lessons I learned about true friends, and what they will do for you or with you, just when you need it the most. I remember always, that when shit gets hard on me, that nothing was as hard on me as the night you died. Nothing gets worse then that. Even if I knew I would die tomorrow, it wouldnt hurt as that night did, that year, these 12 have.
Never in my life did I dream anyone could or would come close to replacing you in my heart and soul. Then I met Ben. About 6 or 7 years after you left me. He was worth the risk. I called him my friend, and he called me his. He was my friend for over 5 years. I remembered the loss of you Steve, and I appreciated him that much more for it. I remembered the worst part was never having actually said I love you, though I know you knew I loved you. I made sure I told him I did. I did it all right. I appreciated, I loved, and I sacrificed. And Ben, my angel, he sacrificed for me too. All those times he drove me home and dared Doug to hit me in front of him. He would have beat his ass. Doug wouldnt have ever fucked with me with Ben around. One call and Ben would have been at my house so fast beating Doug like the dog he was, and I knew it. So did Doug. He always accused us of sleeping together. Right up until Amanda called my house and told me you had died. I thought she was lying. I was sick inside. All that pain, all that lonliness... it all came flooding back. I denied it to myself. I screamed. I remember the screaming like it was yesterday. The screaming brought Doug running from his bedroom because of course, as usual, I slept on the couch and thats where I was when Amanda called at 8am or so to tell me you were gone. He held me while I cried. He knew you were gone, he knew you had taken an important part of my heart with you. Im sure it scared the hell out of him. Good. The pain was blinding, harsh and cold. Deep inside, I felt dead. I wanted to be. The funeral was horrible. You were cremated just like we talked about wanting to be so many times. But then, there was no where to go to honor you. I used to visit Steves grave. Before you died. Then I realized that he wasnt there. You werent there. The only place I could honor you both, was in my heart.
And here I sit. Trying to do so, pouring out my soul in font because there is no one to share this with. There is no one I hate enough to burden with the pain I feel for the loss of you both. To this day, when someone is nice to me, as you both were, I feel that aching loss for a quick moment. I feel alone although I know at least one of you has watched out for me over the years. I should have joined you long ago.
Ok so the lessons I learned. Appreciate the little things. Say so. Act so. Dont hurt or lie or scam the people you really care for. They might not be here tomorrow. Nothing hurts worse or longer then guilt. Take care of your friends, your family. Protect yourself enough to keep yourself alive and sane, but rely on someone worth your time to protect your heart from the worst the world has to give. You cant do it alone. No matter what you think. Even if you really believe you can, you dont want to. Quit wasting time. You dont really have that much. You might only have a minute, an hour, a day, a year. Do you want to risk it? Do you want the last moments of your life spent in regret for what you should have done, said, or been? I dont.
I love you Steven Gregory Kinzie. I loved you enough to name my son after you. He has your calm demenor. He has your sweetness. He was born a year to the day you died. In my heart and soul, I hope a little piece of you is in him. Nothing could make me more proud.
I love you Benjamin Royden Campbell. Thats all I can say to you. I know you heard it before. But I cant bring myself to type out any more of the reasons why I should have loved you like I did. I only know I did, I did the right thing. I told you, I appreciated, and I still lost you. The Lord works in mysterious ways... bullshit.
To this day whenever I get close to someone, I fear that my closeness to them might cause their death. I know, its terribly stupid. But for the life of me, I cant figure out why you were both drug through my sorry ass life, to protect me, to love me, then to die on me. I doubt I will ever get over that feeling. I dont even care to. It reminds me to appreciate the people who are worth it, right now. And not to wait one single second to tell someone how I feel about them.
I am a better person for the deaths of my two best friends. Id rather be the same old piece of shit Joy though, if I could have you back, for even just a minute. Someone stole my angels. And most days, I cant wait to get back to them. I do not fear death because of them. I know that no matter what, when I die.... I will have two beautiful angels to walk me home, arm over my shoulders, protecting me from all that I fear. Or showing me why I shouldnt fear anything as long as I have them by my side.
I can almost feel you both smiling at me for the decisions Ive made recently in my life. I have a sad sort of peace today. Sad because you two are giving it to me, and I cant return it, not yet. And peace because I feel your approval. I feel whole for a minute. I feel that in writing this, you have heard me. That you know I still love you, honor you and remember you daily.
This year I quit wasting time.
Sunday, January 02, 2005
The last thing I will ever be on this earth is the type of person who disregards issues like that, or causes drama because of it. I told him tonight I had to talk to him. Then after getting my ass beat @ football 5 or 6 times I got chickened and tired out. I didnt talk to him. I have to. There is no choice. I need to explain why.
There are very few people on this earth that get respect from me. Even the ones who do can quickly find themselves wishing they didnt have it when I romp their ass for being foolish. But its a fact. The more I can walk on someone, the less I am likely to respect them. Catch 22 I suppose but thats how it is for me. Im damn sure this is going to burn DAL's ass right off but I have to explain why I like Cd so much.
Hes real. Hes straight and blunt, and most of all, hes not going to put up with any dumb shit from me. The things I dont care to improve on normally, I want to fix when Im around him. I have no idea why totally. This isnt the normal Rebel Joy that I know either. We might joke around and push each others buttons in fun, but in seriousness, that shit wont be happening. Im pretty sure that even without having said so, that we both know, that neither of us are people to be fucked around with. So heres the issue.
Ive been friends with Kt for 17 years. Of course during that time we have been more then friends on more then one occasion. I love him, I care for him and I wish and hope everyday that something good happens to his life. Instead of all the drama and bs, I wish him well. Worry that he's not, and want more then anything for him to be honestly happy. Not this fake shit hes getting now. But I wished the same things for Ben, for Steve and for all the other people Ive called friend over the years. But that didnt mean I wanted to "be" with them. We have never even let anyone else call us anything but friends. Ive no doubt he values my friendship a bit more then he does some of the others he has. But that doesnt mean I want him to be my boyfriend. When I look at the big picture, standing back... I realize that it would be a disasterous combo. True respect would never come into play, and I cant live like that for long. Thus the failed marriage. Yeah sorry DAL but guess what.... Getting drunk and beating on someone half your size has the same result. Loss of respect. Deal with it and quit interfering in my life. We are no longer a married couple. You owe me nothing, I owe you less.
So last night I waited for Cd to call when he got home from work. I sat at my nieces and told her that maybe I was kind of getting on his nerves, and that when he got home late and had to work early he might not want to be having to look at my face in between those times. So then I left her house and came back home. About that time DAL started calling with his harrassing bullshit, drunk of course, and I felt like a fucking trapped rat for about 5 minutes it took me to get the hell out of the house. As I was walking towards the door Kt called and asked me to stop by. Ok, so I go there. I tell Bob to tell Cd that Im at Kt's. And I figure if he wants to talk to me, he will call there and ask. He called, but he didnt speak to me. So blam, it hits me like a ton of bricks. There I am, dangerously close to causing drama. This will not happen.
20 years of not even knowing my real family and 2 dead best friends HAS taught me some major lessons. One is that you dont fuck with peoples friends or family. Family and friends are there long after lovers and partners are gone. So if it was in the best interest of their relationship, I guess Id have to back away. Kt will always be my friend. Even if I didnt go over to his house for 10 years, when I did come back, he would welcome me and be glad to see me.
Ive already learned one lesson with Cd. He doesnt fuck around and hes not going to play any games. Good, Im done with the games too. If I had thought for one second that he would have spoken to me after the Tinker Creek incident... I would have called. I would have apologized then, and thats a lot for me to do. I never apologize. Never say Im sorry, because you can only say Sorry and mean it ONCE. Once is a mistake, something to be sorry for, twice is just foolish and immature. Maybe I could have saved myself a lot of pain and trouble had I done so. But Im beginning to realize that maybe fate had a hand in this shit. Because Im sure in 10 years, both of us have had to learn some hard lessons on how to treat people. So maybe the time wasnt right then? Maybe its not even now. I dont know. But in keeping my promise to myself I am going to be real and true to me first. To begin with. Im going to let Cd read this tomorrow when he comes over to get me, or to watch football here with me.
I know Mickey to be a good judge of character, possibly a better one then I. And Im pretty good at it. Maybe thats why I love Mickey so much too in the short time Ive known him to be my cousin. He treats me very similar to what Cd does. He doesnt put up with my shit, and hes quick to point out when Im dishing out shit where I got no business doing so. So on the roof last week, after Cd stopped by for a few... he told me ...
Mick: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Joy: The answer to that could be endless. What are you talking about?
Mick: The guys you fuck with, the Dal's and the Kt's. Why do you waste so much time and energy on people like that? All they ever do is take from you. This guy comes here just to light you up at work.
Joy: Ok, thats fair.
Mick: Whats fair?
Joy: You reaming me for wasting my time, my life and my energy.
Mick: Well, I dont know him, but he seems like a good guy. Whats more important is he seems like a good guy for YOU.
Joy: You are just saying that because he gives me hell and you enjoy seeing it.
Mick: Thats true, but I mean it too. Someone has to give you hell.
Joy: You know. I just started realizing that not long ago.. but I agree. Thanks for waking me up a bit.
Mick: No problem cuz, anytime.
Joy: Ok enough about my fucked up life, back to work you slut.
Second, and here is the big one.
I dont know Cd terribly well, but I got the feeling he was annoyed or bothered by the fact that not only was I not home when he called me like I asked him to, but I was at Kt's. And normally, Id fight tooth and nail with someone I was seeing who told me to "stay away from that person." Normally they would get a big fuck off and die from me, but again. This is family. You dont fuck with that. I WONT fuck with that. Its not my place, it wont be my life. I think the only thing I can do to maintain respectfulness is to ask Cd how he would like me to handle it. If he said he didnt want me lurking around at Kt's alone then Id respect that. Its not about trust here. Its about respect and common sense. If you have ever been fucked over by a friend or family member, then there is no need to explain. If you havent been, then you need to go the fuck outside.
So Cd, what will it be? What should I be doing when it comes to this situation? And dont tell me some shit that you dont mean. Dont tell me you dont care if you do. And dont tell me its ok if its not. Kt will most likely always be my friend. But I dont feel for him what I do for you, and what I feel for you is more important to me. I dont want to let this get fucked up a second time. If it does, I dont want it to be anywhere near my fault. :)
And, if anyone else took the time to read all this mess, then thank you, and give me your honest opinion about this situation please.
Im a good gamer so I have to try harder. If anyones ever played ESPN football on Xbox or even just remembers some old football tips from Techmo Bowl I could sure as hell use a pointer or two I suppose. Cd IS teaching me how to play better here and there though.
Between his attempts to kill McNabb and my attempts to flatten the tires on the Bus. Its been pretty fun.
Ok so now the hard part.