Wednesday, July 08, 2009

For Steven and Alyx

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

True Enough

True enough Jeff so here goes.

For the first time in 8 years I have been told I would be allowed to see my son. FOR A MONTH!!!!!! Although I have misgivings about why they have finally allowed me to be near him, I am overjoyed to be able to have him here for a month starting this Saturday. I know for some who have read here they have seen me rage and cry about this issue before. And although it is likely I will still hate the folks who stole him from me until the day that I die, the hate has now been wrapped up a bit and put away in a nice tight lock box as I cant remain so angry when I have been told he could come here. I am seriously praying that this isn't some ploy on their part to once again set me up to look like a failure in front of my son. But even if it is, I suppose the month with him will be worth it.

So thats what I have been busy with. I just recently found Steven on facebook and a couple of his friends helped to get us together again and talking. I am amazed at him. He is only 15 but so wise. After 8 years apart we still have a bond like we did before. And all the poison they fed him, and still feed him about me, is lost on him. He has a mind of his own. He doesnt just take things for what they appear to be, or are told they are. He is cool, strong, fun and wise beyond his few 15 years. He is me when I was 15. He is me today. I cant wait!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Back to Blogger

Having some annoying people reading and trolling my myspace has brought me back here once again to make the post that really count to me. And coming back and looking around I see the old gang is still here. I will be here much more often and have updated my page to reflect what I really care about here.

Yay for blogger, its a diary that I know will be free of the drama of the children of myspace lol

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Broken Hearted Savior

Sometimes, a random song will just pop into my head. One I likely havent heard for years, sometimes one Ive only heard a couple of times before. Usually I know right away why. This one came to me a few months back, maybe even up to a year ago. And I downloaded it, played it and loved it. I just didnt really understand its place in my life. (pretty much every song could have a place in my life at some point) But it took me a while to figure out where it really was.

Now that I know I can honestly just say that I truly miss my Momma. The worst feeling I ever had in my life was visiting with her just after getting out of Roanoke City. And I felt like I could see it in her eyes once, and then the rest of the time I just got the 'sense' that she was scared. I wasnt projecting it onto her and I knew this because I didnt go in there with any preconceived notions. But once I stood by her bed, brushed her hair and talked to her a bit, I just felt this silently grasping fear. And then I knew real fear. I suppose its not even strange to see now that although I never embraced my mothers particular brand of faith. Just her having faith gave it to me be default. I laugh back at the days where I thought I was an atheist. Never once did I look around at all before me and think, this just happened by accident. I know I have some pretty odd sounding ideas of what might be the truth, but without going into them Id just have to say that science and religion probably both have it about half right, and the truth lay somewhere definite and between them.

"Fields are white in snowy spring and I can't
Remember the last time I've seen her.
The highway is still cold and wet and I can't
Forget the way I had to leave her.
And every passing day, she flickers and she fades.
Is someone to catch her when she falls from the heavens?"

I lost a huge chunk of faith that I know will eventually work its way back to me. But I no longer believe that I have infinite time. I know that no matter what I believe now, today, tomorrow will never matter in the moment.

The truth light that came out of this is that I am still convinced there is something, a lot past where we are in this lifetime. Its a lump I still swallow hard over but I believe my Momma went to her heaven. Because I don't think that spirituality is as much of an idea as it is a faith in the unknown. I think she got somewhere where she wanted to be. I think we are all on a journey here, not at the end of one.

Finally feeling good about life again a little bit, much of the things that brought me down before are now non-existent in my life, and with any good luck at all, they will stay that way. While also remembering the good that I lost last year, I can definitely say that the one loss put the other minuscule ones in check. I have a lot to be thankful for. And every piece of last year taught me that. I am now going to enjoy what I have left to with the only people that matter in my life.