Saturday, October 27, 2007

I am

No longer will I accept being treated like a low life. No longer will I linger around while you sit anywhere as you are judging me as I am.

Everything about you is hypocrasy. You are not what you claim to be, and you are what you claim you are not. Maybe what you lack is fortitude. If so, I am finding that I can not just give my love to someone who is not even willing to stand up for what THEY believe in, much less support me or protect me in any of my beliefs. I am finding that when I look so deeply into another persons life that I tend to view from a very careful distance their soul as well. Not only do you hide everything about yourself and refuse to share in any moments but your misery, but you also stand at length from me when I bare my soul, or try to give you moments that I do believe in. Defending you, caring for you, caring about seeing that you are taken care of. None of those things that I put little pieces of my soul into seem to matter to you at all. I do not think I am the type of person who can accept that. I have never been anything but straight-forward to you regardless of your accusations or your lack of foresight into the relationship. There is a weakness of character in you that I do not accept nor will I pretend that it is okay with me. Not for you, not for anyone. I seriously would die for my beliefs if driven. You seriously have nothing set in stone for yourself. You proclaim yourself strongly but display yourself arrogantly. There is nothing good or honorable in that in my opinion and I do not think that my mother and father raised me to be so quickly willing to give up on that in people that I want surrounding me, people I want to spend my life with. I am finding that the thought of the loss of that which I consider to be a weakness of spirit, a hollowness of soul, no longer seems a good idea to share my life with, my heart or love or soul. It only creates a burden for me to have to choose between what I believe in or what I love. You would accuse me of being the type of person to use, abuse and take advantage of. You would call me the weak one, but even as I say the following things I know you already know it is true of me, my spirit and my soul while it does not describe one single piece of your character. I am not so afraid to be alone in this world that I would continue to accept spinelessly something unjust or evil done to me or anyone I love without taking a stand, fighting for what I believe in. I am not so in love with my freedom that I would not fight and die, or rot in a prison life term, if I had to kill to protect those I love. My children, my love, my being. I am not so in love with my body that I would not give a life saving organ, take their pain unto myself, carry their burdens if it meant a physical loss or vanity of mine in trade to someone who loved me unconditionally and with honor.

A strong person goes through pain, trauma, and the evil of this world with an empathetic eye. They see the wrongs done to others, they feel their pain, and they refuse to accept the behavior. They refuse to allow it into their lives to spread the evil to others. A weak character sees those same things, and exploits the weaknesses of the strong. Hundreds of beautiful kingdoms have fallen all over history because of just this evil lurking that is your soul, and the souls of all others like you, is pushed upon the souls of others.
You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand? Without those who stand and fight, we would all be in apocolyptic peril. Our souls lost long ago. Do you see me running or fighting it? Exactly, and I will fight it until it kills me, or dies itself. Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. I will not apologize for mine. Not at the cost of my life or soul. Ever.

In order to BE this, as this is how I am, I have to either have someone who I can share that with, build that with, and live that with, or I can share nothing at all. I refuse to give of myself what is denied me, dangled before me, or forbidden me because of something in your heart or soul, or something lacking therein. I respect those who show me respect. I honor those who honor me. I give affection to those who give it to me. But along the way should ANY of those people whom I love and honor decide to do something that I can NOT respect, honor or love. Then I shall have to turn a cold heart to that which warms me in order to save myself from things that sicken or weaken my soul. As I can not be someone with the weaknesses my soul can not align, then I can not share any other important parts of my being with them. To do so would make me lesser. To do so would sell my soul. To do so would indeed make me the low life you accuse me of.

Do not preach to my clean spirit your dirt, your evil and your lack of character as no matter how much you do so, you can not make me like you. You can not make me accept things that I reject. You can not make me something I am not. I will not give up my integrity. So now you can understand why life will be as it will be, as something as simple it boils down to is good and evil. Light and Dark. Clean or soiled. If you allow the weaknesses of others to blacken your soul, so be it. Mine will always stand stronger and above those who give in so easily. And never can I show acceptance of any who are lesser. Not even if that should be you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Chris Cornell for the Q lady and Others who know NOT

Click the link to watch GOD sing.

The lyrics

Hello, I know theres someone out there
Who can understand
And whos feeling the same way as me
Im twenty-four and Ive got everything to live for
But I know now that it wasnt meant to be
cause all has been lost and all has been won
And theres nothing left for us to save
But now I know that I dont want to be alone today
So if you find that youve been feeling just the same

Call me now its alright
Its just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
cause you cant hide
So call and Ill get right back
If your intentions are pure
Im seeking a friend for the end of the world

Ive got a photograph, Ill send it off today
And you will see that I am perfectly sane
Not for a lifetime or forever and a day
cause we know now that just wont be the case
There will be no commitment and no confessions
And no little secrets to keep
No little children or houses with roses
Just the end of the world and me
cause all has been gone and all has been done
And theres nothing left for us to say
But we could be together as they blow it all away
And we can share in every moment as it breaks

Call me now its alright
Its just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
cause you cant hide
So call and Ill get right back
If your intentions are pure
Im seeking a friend for the end of the world

One of his best songs ever. But just to get a feel for the man i love, try looking up his version of Ava Maria