Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Evil Justice

We ought always to deal justly, not only with those who are just to us, but likewise to those who endeavor to injure us; and this, for fear lest by rendering them evil for evil, we should fall into the same vice.

Why Me?

I know anyone looking at this title and knowing how my last week has went would think Im pitying myself again. Im not. Im actually wondering why people like me, or want to be my friend, or want to help me. I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. Cursed in life but blessed in the people who surround me.

So enough of the poor me shit right now. I just wanted to get it typed in here before I pass out that I appreciate all you do. All the talking and comforting you do with and for me. I dont know what I did to deserve it. Probably nothing. But I think Im sleeping tonight with not such a heavy heart because I know that even if the people I run into daily, face to face, wont be there for me then I always have you guys. Here, IM, email. On a night when I would have laid on my dads couch grinding my teeth against the world, I get to lay down, smile through my tears, and know that if worst comes to worst, then I have the best of the best here for me, just when I need them the most.

I was waiting until tomorrow @ 5pm to see what was going to happen. I already know. He had the order extended by 14 days. But instead of raging through my tears, Ill just remember that there are people here for me, to get me through all of this. Ill try to remember always. Its desperately hard, but Im trying. For me, but a lot for you too. Its easy to disappoint myself. Its not so easy to disappoint those who know I have the ability to stand above this mess. Thanks to you for your faith in me, when I no longer have it.

Monday, September 27, 2004

Help Meh

I still have no idea what I want. I joked with a friend yesterday that women, no matter the age or situation never really figure out 100% what they want. I said it jokingly, but its not a joke to be honest. Im no tittering little girl, I know the difference between lust and love, relationships and acquaintances.

Noithing has ever come close to the satisfaction I achieve when Im near Kt. Yet nothing feels quite so empty as having to walk away, over and over. Last night while laying with Kt I told him he was sweet. He asked me what that was supposed to mean. Lol. Men are freaks. It means hes sweet. Better then me calling you a dick right? was my reply.

While at the Shenendoah yesterday several people entered the bar and came right to me to greet me. The bartender laughed and said "Is there anyone that doesnt know you?" It got me thinking. I suppose there are people who dont know me. I guess those are the lucky ones.

Right now, Id welcome death. Embrace it. Ive done irreversible damage to those who thought it safe to love me. Nothing is safe around me. Nothing.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Alternate Ending - V.1

Well as things go I sure didnt break out my ghost balls this weekend. And I think the time has come to back up a little bit and give the relationship that refreshing break that makes it what it is.

I wont be doing that "oh so fun" thing again for a few weeks, maybe more if I dont hear from him.

As usual, it was fun, and Id do it again. :)

Thursday, September 16, 2004

She will be loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehowI want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Connections of a different coat

I am pondering the connections here. I think I realized about 24 hours ago what had been disturbing me so long. Maybe its just my nature I suppose but I finally decided.. the relationship Ive been dealing with and acting so freaky about has held one single meaning for me.
I wanted a relationship that I could enjoy, appreciate and without the demands of love as some type of justification. No ones well meaning but otherwise moralistic values being pushed into my freedom. I got to admit, no matter what happens from today on.. that I got to enjoy something that most people will not get to or never allow themselves to.
I know that from the most simple to the massively complex types of intelligence, there is wisdom in experiencing things abstract from the usual as it opens up possibilites that you have yet to dream of.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004


Of course I didnt call.

God Im such a dork!

Monday, September 13, 2004

Crazy Pete and Old EQ friends..

So today I am trying to talk to Dan on IM. And he is calling me random names and just generally making it seem like Im talking to some jaded old 90 year old man.... and I have an epiphany. Yep, I said that word. Thats it right? Ok so the great thought came to me all the sudden.

I've always been a master at hiding real feelings. I never really set out to intentionally deceive or mislead, but in self protection of course I do hide things. I'd say Im damned near expert at it. Ive had that tossed at me as an insult more then once but Im not entirely sure it is. I can be insanely angry, and sit quietly for hours grinding my teeth perhaps, but without comment. I can be morbidly depressed and still smile and make small talk at work, to Michael, whoever calls me at home. I can smile at corporate leadership while they calmly make plans to do things that will eliminate my job... and still work with them for another year :p... and hell, I can even nearly force myself to believe I feel nothing when I feel just the opposite.

But Ive realized today, the one thing you cant hide is happiness. The kind where you truly get one good moment in time to not give a fuck. Ok, maybe that sounds bad but I dont see it that way. I simply mean that nothing touches you, you feel above it all. Above the usual things that would bring you down, and then some. Then I realized I lived under this cloud of fear and control for so long, that it must look INSANE to someone who sees me often but doesnt really know whats going on with me.

My Dad Bob this weekend when I went over there with a few friends... said all loudly of course, that he hadnt seen me this happy in a long time. Ok, sure I was a bit tipsy, but I did feel good.

Ok but this has to be wrong. Well it is, Im not divorced yet and I certainly act as if I am. But having seen friends drop off the face of the earth nearly before my eyes, I just cant bring myself to live in misery of another persons problems or even a knot Ive tied myself into.

How sad though too at the same time you know? If you suddenly today, started laughing a lot, smiling more then usual, not letting the little things get to you, enjoyed everything, and rubbed your feelings off on other people, on purpose... even seemed to sleep less and take more time with your appearance.... wouldnt someone in your life notice? Ask you what was new or what had ya so happy?

Weee :p

Sunday, September 12, 2004



But I think when I left I hurt someones feelings....

Now I feel bad.. kinda. I guess this supports Wenns theory on redheads.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Now what?

Well with my new job being a waterproofing company, and getting 8 inches of rain yesterday alone, this has been a hectic week. The truck is acting up again too. Ok so one more full day, and 3 hours on Saturday and then I get a break. So now what?

I was concerned about what I could do as far as vehicle repairs once I move back to Roanoke. But I got that figured out. The mechanic where I work has offered to put on any parts. Well, so has Kt, but I couldnt ask him to do that. Haha, imagine that.... guys arguing over who gets to fix my truck. How nice for a change lol. Ok so .. now what?

I want to talk to Kt seriously, and tell him how much I appreciate his presence in my life right now. I want to let him know all the comfort he has given my heart over the years. All those times I thought for sure I would be alone, he was always there, had I just taken the chance and went to him. But Im afraid it will come off sounding like an invitation to be more free with me then Id want him to be. Thats the urge I am desperately trying to resist right now.

Ok, logging off, to call my dad about moving in... and if I work up the nerve... Kt.

Dan, if you are reading this, you better not be laughing, or I kill you.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Monday, September 06, 2004

Honoring Thy 14 year old self

I published this to a friends blog and didnt even realize the importance in it and still glowing over what I considered a real compliment to my character. But its the truth so here it is, words to a friend that really do describe a good part of what I am today.

'Lol I cant believe its taken me this long to realize that I am one of the few who has stayed true to myself. Those things you say as kids lol....

Im never going to hold someones age against them. Prejudge their intelligence or anything they do because of their age.

Im never going to stop playing with toys and video games.

Im always going to love my friends. Past, present and future.

Im never going to wear ugly clothes.

Im never going to pretend to be something else to get something I think I want or need.

Im never going to be egotistical.

Im never going to forget how to laugh. The real laughter that feels really good. Not the fake motions you see some folks going through to appear happy.

Im never going to ignore people. I might have to tell them they are being a son of a bitch, but I wont ignore them. Im always going to try to remember to treat others how I want to be treated.

Yep, those are the words of a 14 year old girl... back in ... er... 87-88? Where you even born then? lol....god...'

<3 Gray eyed one


Sweet Sunshower

Just starting to get the edges of the most recent storm system blowing up from Florida.

Not raining hard, woke up to find likely the greatest friend I have at the moment already on his IM. No worries about harrassment today about the house. Im moving to Roanoke again.. wee... and hes going to keep the house so that my dad doesnt have to sell it, and lose everything and then some for doing something kind for me. Guilt a bit but it will fade. Disappointed in myself, starting over at 31. Not bad, 31. I think Ive probably just begun to live in a part of my life I can enjoy. A part that I understand, and agree with. Music means a lot to me, it always has. Thats another one of those things I brought from my childhood. The things that kept me genuine and true to my word.

' i've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
i've got to open my eyes to everything'

Still feeling pretty energized. Listening to music. Wishing like hell I had a bit fat bottle of whiskey.. No I wouldnt drink it all, I never do. One fifth of liqour can last me months. Thats how I like it. Ive been thinking about actually being able to live somewhere that I could have my drinks to partake of when I choose. Wow, I can keep Kahlua and Baileys!~~ Mmmm Coffee drinks are the best. I am a good scots/irish girl at heart :p. I thought about all those things I would like to be doing to keep my youth intact, in my heart of course. Concerts with people who arent going to get falling down drunk and cross eyed. Being able to be somewhere relaxed, comfortably, and without worry of having to 'keep my eyes open'.

'Now maybe, I didnt mean to treat you bad.
But I did it anyway.
Some would say your life was sad,
But you lived it anyway'

But I dont feel too bad at the moment. I feel like a surfacing of things. Coming to the top of the lake after being down deep a moment, that fear of not getting a breath giving you a twinge of adrenaline. MMmmmm, thats something I miss. Adrenaline. All those things I want to do, alone or with friends, or with someone special. Caving!! I loved that, I miss it. But not a good place to drink :p! I want to ride more motorcycles, horses, rollar coasters. I want a fast car.

Nice day off from work :)

'She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres a time to change
Seems to return from her stay on the moon,
she listens like spring and she talks like June'

I also figured out the word I use to describe myself when prompted to provide a one 'worder' for myself at interviews, Genuine. Then I decided to tell myself thats what Kt meant when he said 'real woman.' I dont play the head games, never did really. I thought I did in a horrible way, but after a lot of thought, I think a lot of peoples problems with me have lied in the fact that I do not alter myself for a relationship. I do honor, and respect those who deserve it, for whatever reason they do. But I dont become a different person. Im not happy not doing those things I listed up there. And why should someone have to be satisfied with just love? What about your own love of life? The real part of that whole thing is, Id never say no to a mate of mine trying any new experience they dreamed of. To remember what life is all about, the hard working days, the repetative nights, you have to have... the things that keep you going.

Remember, its the weak who suffer the strong, not the other way around. Humble yourself. Remember who you were. Why are you different now? Are you too weak to do what needs to be done, in any situation? Then why havent you?

So what the hell are you thinking when the opportunity presents itself to have that, to be that, without restriction and with respect? Im thinking, er, Im going to need some help on this one for the next few months... Ive already warned a couple people :p

God I love this song. The words are in and out for me today. Not really a good indicator of my current mood, but the heart in it just melts me. It feels, genuine.

'Dark as roses, fine as sand
Feel your healing and your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry

Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections of better days gone by

But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
A feather trail to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
Then into worried nights
But it’s all right

When you’re all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh it’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh it’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
Oh in the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

And it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today'

Haha, wait, I said that didnt describe me? Thats every day of my life I believe :p

Sunday, September 05, 2004

What was that.....?

I have no words to describe what I experienced this weekend. The closest ones I can think of are along the lines of...

Electric, soothing, primitive, powerful, breath-taking, deliberate, impressive, sedate, passionate, purposeful, sensory, phenomenal, delightful, provocative, desire and freedom.

I dont get to feel words like this often. So humor me.

Ever have one of those moments where you can feel the electricity in the air? Like before a big thunderstorm? Or even just after one?

One of those times when the best way you can describe how you feel is through sounds of relaxation and tension at once and usually feels almost like a ... thrumming? Of your blood? The world? In tune? hmm

Nothing so deep and confusing or twisted feelings or anger or annoyance, is holding anything and everything you want at bay?

Feeling proverbially, astoundingly, as if you are holding the world in your hands for one moment? Instead of on your back as usual?

I enjoy very much now, the moments in life that are not "Life Changing" or "Memorable Moments". But the little ones where no one but you picked up on something that meant more then anyone else could know.

I was hanging out with Kt and some friends this weekend. The friends were all about the 10 years younger crew around the neighborhood. And as we were standing around Kt, being his usually flirty and crazy self leaned over and kissed this younger girl on the cheek and told her she was a cutie. He then turned around where I was talking to another younger guy, and pointed at me and smiled and said with ... almost pride? in his voice, and said "But this here, is a real woman."

Ok dont get me wrong, Im good, Im sure he didnt see me "glowing" from that. But I did. Kind of sad to realize that such a earthy compliment meant so much to me. I wonder if he knows that? Some guys.. lol..

Wow, I am realizing something I never thought to. Im not now, nor have I ever been the jealous or controlling type, this part I already knew. I dont tell folks what to do, and I dont expect them doing so to me either. Ive never told a bf he couldnt "do" anything he wanted to do. Its just not my ... style? type? Anyway, Ive never suffered jealousy so Ive always had that part of my brain open to the world, but just recently Im realizing how much fun people can be when they really know how to appreciate the opposite sex. Strange that Ive been treated the kindest, from someone whom everyone accuses of scandalizing women. Its weird but after 17 years of watching, I actually know I can appreciate the fact that others have made him what he is today, through, yep, trial and error.

Just for the record men,

Women know when they just got out of bed they look like hell frozen over. But if you tell them they look nice, even though they know you are full of shit, it does matter. No they dont believe you and they might tell you straight to your face you are a liar, but if you smile and look at them they will KNOW if their is love in your eyes or not.

Never be so ignorant that you only tell your woman that she looks good when she just finished dressing herself for a business professional meeting, or a night on the town. Just think about this one for a second... ok, yes, now you see what I mean. That one will come back to haunt you later.

Quit telling women, "You have to tell me what you want, I cant read your mind." Ok, normally I side with the guys on the flighty nature of a lot of women, but listen to yourself on this one and give it a damn second thought. If I have to ask you to get me a dozen roses on Valentines day, or I have to remind you to compliment me, then you have just lost all the reasons she wants you to do those things in the name of. Love, Desire and Friendship. Theres no relationship on earth that will sustain the loss of those three things, happily.

Most importantly, no matter the past or your fears, you have to treat your woman as what you want her to be. If you are going to treat her.. tough, expect her to be that sooner or later. If you never make her, or allow her to feel like the woman in 'your woman', then you have to do that in foresight. Hindsight in relationship is useless most of the time. We all know that. If you want a soft purring kitten, its up to you to have one. Humans are going to reflect their living situations. Just as animals do. You dont get a healthy minded gentle kitten out of a cat you have been ignoring or abusing for years. You get a lion. Some men want something just between that. Someone who can hold their own, or someone they can hold when they want to. Its possible to have that. But again, you have to mold your relationship to something that is satisfying for all on this level. Its possible to have both, as long as you set the boundries and rules early on. *Sidenote* Most real "rules" in relationships are not, and shouldnt be spoken or repeated to sound like ownership instead of partnership. They are the things you respect about the other person because through trial and error, you have learned about the other person. The absolute best way to learn, is to listen. Even if you dont feel like it.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Cuts like anguish

I just had the worse conversation in the world. I told my mom this week that I was going to talk to Michael, my son, about what kind of man his father really was. I didnt want to. The man was a monster to me. Hit me when I was pregnant. Chased me down with his car when Michael was 8 months old, and in my arms. I had to run and practically throw the baby at a friend to save his life, and his father ran over me right after that. I know he would have, baby or not in arms.

Michael told my neice a couple of weeks ago, "At least my dad never kicked me out of his house." Just to hurt her. I was enraged then. But I said nothing. I knew it was time to 'burst his bubble' about his father. That man was never a Dad. Today on the phone he told me, "Dont talk to me about him". His Father. I guess I have a small amount of pride here, hes never defended himself to me. I dont think he would have if not on the phone but in my face. I suppose hes getting brave, but brave and ignorant dont mix in my opinion. Ive always been his rock, not the kindest one, but constant and consistent in his life. Hurting for him, because of him. And he defended that monster to me.

I told him everything. Things my own mother didnt even know until this week. I feel horrible. But it seemed so wrong, so damn wrong, to let this child Ive protected from the truth of things so long..... defend this man who never deserved it.

I dont know what to think, I feel I took something from him I can never give back. Youth, innocence, ignorant bliss?

He asked me why I was so mean to him, I told him I loved him, it was because I wasnt mean to him that I had kept these things to myself so long.

All I can hear is his voice saying "I didnt know these things". I told him to put my mom on, told her to go talk to him and tell him I loved him and explain to him thats the only reason I told him those things today.

He is 15 now. I know its time he grow up and beyond the immature person he has been up to now. Hes not an average 15 year old. Ive seen some of his father in him in, the laziness, the unwillingness to be kind to or care for those who love him. But I had no idea how he felt, that he respected this horrible man. The same man that has never bought him one thing, the same one that "loans" his own son video games and tells him not to mess them up. The same guy that threw cans of soup at my face, the same guy who ran over me with his car that night.

I dont know if I did something horribly wrong, or if I finally did what was fair to him. The truth. Sometimes it hurts badly, but I didnt want that truth to hurt him. Its my fault, I picked him, I let that man be the father of my son.

Feels horrible, like I did to him what his own father did to me. Stole his youth. Ripped it from him. None of this is his fault.

I got caught!!

I got caught "glowing" today. I got a job, I went to my dads and mowed his yard because he has a hernia, then I came home and talked to one of the most special people in my world. Then I came out of my room, hung up the phone, and was asked "What are you glowing about??"

Although I didnt answer, I smiled a lot. I dont think Ive ever been accused of that before.


Save me from this prison
Lord help me get away
Cause only you can save me now
From this misery

Cause I’ve been lost in my own place
And I’m getting’ weary
How far is heaven
And I know I need to change
My ways of livin’
How far is heaven,
Lord can you tell me
Cause I’ve been locked up way too long
In this crazy world, how far is heaven

I just keep on prayin’
Lord Just keep on livin’,
how far is heaven
Lord can you tell me,
how far is heaven
I just got to know how far,
how far is heaven

Lord can you tell me
You that's in a higher place
Send me down a blessing
Cause I know there’s a better place
Than this place I’m livin’,
how far is heaven
And I just got to have some faith
And just keep on giving,
how far is heaven
I just wanna know how far

I know this feeling wont last long. But in the spirit of living one day at a time, Im reaaallly enjoying it.

Thinking about Jess and the optimism she gave me. Its been gone so long I didnt even know it enough to miss it.

I love when I meet priceless people.

KT, Stepp, Dan, Jess, Dave, April, Val, MJ.

Those are the priceless people on my mind lately, And worth the thoughts I spend on them :)

If I prayed Id pray for Val right now. Its hard to watch someone with such a healthly soul be so ill. Im sending her my good feelings as I go to bed tonight. And hope they lift some of the weight from her mind.