Tuesday, November 30, 2004

To burn or not to burn....

So court is over now. Im free of the bond that held me here. But jesus christ did I realize something today.

He came to court with his mom and dad. Ok, so he cant drive. So he should be there with someone. His mom tried to go into the court room with him. Man, I know what kind of man I need now. One that can make a move without taking his whole family with him. Fuck those people.

That asshole beat me like a rag doll for 4 years, and they never once did a damn thing to help me deal with him. But sure as fuck as soon as he mentioned leaving me because I refused to watch him drink every weekend, they ran up on the scene to his rescue. This is sick and sad in my opinion. Walking by me, giving me dirty looks. I just sat there laughing. I couldnt help myself. Any 34 year old man who brings his mother to court with him has just proved he isnt the man that they constantly are trying to convince him that he is.

So today I realized I need a man who isnt afraid to go to court without his mommy.

So, with all that being said. Id like to take this time to thank them for nothing. To thank them for proving how right I was not to trust another ignorant family with anything I am, or know, or might be one day. Thanks to them for proving that the world IS full of fucked up people because their parents dont raise them right. Thanks for showing me how very sickening you treat someone who did nothing but take shit off of your alcoholic son for 8 years. Thanks for proving that parents who enable their childrens mistakes and bad habits, are no different, and no better then the children themselves.

Just my opinion.
On a side note....
I am going to be taking a trip to Orlando Fla from December 10th to the 20th. Yay 4 me.

Monday, November 29, 2004

What kind of guy?

Well, I know what kind of guy I dont need.

I know I dont need one who is insecure. I dont need one who doesnt know how to treat females.

Is there such a thing as a man who is kind and gentle, you know, only in front of his woman is even fine. And strong and empathetic. Honest and still knows how important a white lie can be from time to time. "No your ass doesnt look fat in those pants" ... see, that was easy wasnt it?

A guy who knows how to make a woman happy in bed or out. And one that actually can handle his alcohol.

Ive tried the intelligence and forgotten about the looks. Ive tried the looks and forgotten about the intelligence. Neither of those has proved satisfying.

Hmm... I think I need a custom made one. Is there a factory for that? No I dont mean a sex toy factory either. I would like it to conversate from time to time.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Friday, November 26, 2004

The real me

I hate having pictures taken of me. I usually let it happen though because I have had personal experiences where having a pic of someone no longer around and how it can ease your soul a bit when you need it. I keep an antique chest with mememtos in it of things like that. Photometal shot of Steve, A pic I took with a digital camera of my best friend Ben. But there is only one picture Ive ever seen of myself that I felt represented me for the most part. Some say it looks sad, but I didnt feel sad, just in depth, the natural me, observant and serious. Of course I have my up days or other pictures of myself where Im smiling and happy, but this is the me I feel is a true representation of my life, my heart and soul.

I also have a picture of a bad girl that is my favorite as well.

And finally, the pic I had no link to before, that my friend JLD a real web site builder :P, made of our previos boss at Maple Leaf Bakery. He is making a flash with the whole gang from MLB, and this was his first creation. Hes wearing the lab coats we had to wear from the bakery with the actual logo from the company on it.

And while Im exposing myself. Heres a tad O ink I got about 10 years or so ago. No its not the only piece I have but its definately the largest.

What ya think?

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Angry Turkey Day v1.5

I made it all the way through T-day dinner. I was overwhelmed, and a tad disappointed. Hell at one point I even considering encouraging some dissention. I decided against it. I was the last person to leave, oh I mean I wanted to leave earlier, but I was battling the odds so I had to push the limit.

I even got to take some candy home in a nice tin. Dear god..., is that what they have all been getting all along if they dont get thrown out. Now Im pissed again. Thats 16 years since I left home, 16 tins of Candy and homemade cookies that I got jipped out of. 16 Angry Turkey days that could have been easily turned into "Eat an assload of turkey and take home some killer sweets" days. That sure as hell would have been easier to drag myself to.

What the Hell? v1.0

Just who the hell came up with the stupid saying of

"Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"

Ok, apparently whoever said this had been in love and was all happy in it at some point and felt this way about it. Fine. Im just saying, how could one person make that judgement for both sides. What about the people who have never loved? Maybe life would be easier if it was just a series of little crushes for some people. Maybe some people have to be in love, and some dont.

Just saying... what a judgemental bastard who said this. He gets a 'What the Hell?' two thumbs down from me.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

The ghost of the past

I was listening to old music, pondering old games when I thought Id go ahead and shove myself towards my own mortality a bit by remembering some old things that I grew up with, old favorites, some scary stuff and such.

Pac-Man - God we were so addicted to that ridiculous shit
Zelda Nintendo 64
Dragons Lair - Arcade version (Damn that game, Damn it.. so many quarters..)
Gauntlet - Arcade version (nothing like 3 of your best friends helping you kick the crap out of a video game)
Haunted House - Pinball
Teen Spirit - Nirvana
My mind is playn tricks on me - Scarface
Skating Rings
Pre-Microwave and my refusal to eat leftovers
My old birth year Dodge Dart that we used to blare music from while jumping on the hood. (Still the best car I ever had) (or maybe just the most durable)
Florescent Clothing
Cords - Aka corduroy pants
Blue Eyeshadow
Pre-Contact lenses and the fact that I spent from 4th grade until age 21 or so not seeing a damn thing. HAHA @ all those who rode in my car during that time.
Scott Keaton - The boy from the group home with no parents, or a mom who was a crackhead back when crack scared the hell out of most people. Now its a recreational drug.
Crack when it killed people.
When Lead paint was a problem.
I remember Elvis dying. I remember being a tiny tiny kid and my sister and mother crying like it was the end of the world. I remember wondering wtf was going on.
Rat Tails - all the boys had them. Some girls did too.
Foot tall cans of hair spray. Ive never used hair spray. I bet a lot of my friends wished I had.
I remember everything being considered satanic. That is, everything except for people like Jim Jones who mass murdered people while the rest of the fanatics were out burning kiss records to avoid the devil.

That is all.


Joys Soul - 1 Life - 0

Thanks to you.

Name that song... please?

Ok who knows the name or the artist that sings that song that says "I dont know about yall but I know about us and its the only way we know how to rah?"

Ok laugh all you want but name that damn song its killing me. Besides, I need something to blare as I pull up to my parents house for Thanksgiving. If I dont have something loud and obnoxious they might not tell me to get the hell out, then, well you know, Ill be stuck there.

Angry Turkey Day

3 things I am 100% sure I will hear at Thanksgiving Dinner at my parents house.

1. Joys here!
2. You always ruin our holidays
3. Get the hell out

Yep, I know it sounds sad and dysfunctional, well it is dysfunctional but its not sad anymore. Id likely be disappointed or concerned if I didnt get to hear numbers 2 & 3 exclaimed outloud at least once. They are also always sweet enough to let me eat first. My mom even usually shoves turkey at me as my dad is yelling for me to get the hell out.

Monday, November 22, 2004

The Ugly Truth

Ok, Im sure this is going to sound completely freakish to most normal redblooded american males but here goes.
I like cartoons, pretty much just the twisted acid influenced ones. Spongebob, Sealab, Family guy, Futurama, Venture Brothers. Those are my fav's.
I like to get a good drunk on from time to time. I dont get mean. I get nice, and sweetly honest instead of the usual sober brutal honesty.
I like burbon... Crown Royal and Beam likely the top two. And I love a bottle of Captain Morgans rum from time to time. A whole fifth can last me from 1 night to a month. Depends on my mood.
I enjoy drinking some beers, Coors light the fav, but can even guzzle on some Miller High Life or Busch on a Sunday afternoon hoping my Phillys keep kickin ass this year because they dont get to do that much.
I like porn. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes I raise hell about how hard the men on them are to look at. Ron Jeremy, ew... wtf someone explain that one and Ill give you a dollar. And yea, sometimes it turns me on too.
I dont get insecure. Well of course I have days where I feel like I have to fall out of the ugly tree just to get outside, but I dont put that burden on others around me. Somedays I enjoy the way I look and then I do reflect that to people around me.
I dont tell anyone what to do. I am a control freak only to myself. And I dont do a hell of a great job at that either. But thats just me.
I encourage my mate to go out with his friends. Even if it means going with the boys on a week long trip. I dont worry about what they are going to do. This refers back to the realization of control issue. I dont believe you CAN control another human beings actions. You can suggest, and hope, but under no circumstance can you make another person want to not do something they have in mind or in their heart. This is free will. I wont accept someone trying to take mine either.
I dont whine. Im almost under-emotional in comparison to a lot of women who dramatize their personal pain or issues aloud.
I love video games. Rpgs, RTS and Sims being my favorite. But I also enjoy football, mortal kombat and other kick ass games where you just get to beat the shit out of each other. Im damn good at them all.
Im a 'dont ask if you dont want to know kind of girl'. Dont ask me a question that you dont want the answer to or if its going to cause you to run your mouth at me later. I dont do that to anyone. A good example is probably, How many people were you with before me? Well, moron, no matter the number its going to cause mouth leakage. So just dont push your insecurities at me. That will push me away and fast.
I like all music pretty much. Not country, but if you are a decent person Id even deal with it with a shut mouth (Mostly) for your sake. So dont tell me you are going to jump out of my car if I dont turn off my devil music. At least wait until I pull over. Circa: Jim Davis 1991. 2 year relationship ended when he told me while driving down the road. Its Danzig or me. I let him out, never spoke to him again.
I require very little affection and attention. Of course I'll take all I can get, but I dont HAVE to have it. I dont make my man hold my hand or proclaim ownership when suddenly surrounded by overzealous slutty women. Again, this is where free will comes in. If he wants them, he wont have me.
I am self entertaining. Give me a book and I'll be out of your hair for hours. 300 pages would give you about 6 hours of Joy-less time. Give me a video game and you just earned yourself days of it.
I am one of the guys. There is nothing that can be said that would offend me. Believe me, all my guy friends sit around talking about their exploits right in front of me without a second thought.
I appreciate everything. From someone sharing half a pizza with me, to just some old pervert buying me a beer in a bar. And I say so whenever I can.
I'm not catty. If a chick is around me hitting on my man, I let him take care of it mostly. If outright challenged, well, Ill just break out crazy bitch and they seem to run away fast enough. A glare followed by a devious smile works wonders.
I never cause public humiliation or attention. If I was out with a date or even a friend who did something horrific to me in public. Id do the glare and smile thing, until we got home. Then out comes crazy bitch until Ive spoken my piece. And then its over and done.
And most of all, I do not suffer from jealousy. Believe me when I say that people have tried to inspire it in me. I just dont have that piece of brain that makes you feel that perhaps. Or maybe it goes back to the free will thing. Sure, Ive seen a rich lady driving a Jag and thought 'damn, I wish I had that'. But Ive never felt that green with envy shit.

Now here is the freakish part. Some guys would read this and go "Hey! Thats my kind of girl." And perhaps I would be, as a friend. As a lover though, these same things tend to be the reasons my relationships fail. Suddenly the cool chick you hung out with and watched porn with is a pervert for doing that same thing. The chick who could hang with the guys as just another guy just HAS to be a whore to have so many male friends that love her. The music, video games and cartoons are a sign if immaturity. Not needing affection suddenly becomes a sign of how I must be getting it elsewhere. The lack of jealousy or attempting to control becomes the #1 reason why I must be coldhearted and uncaring.

It doesnt make any damn sense anymore. Im convinced there is not a male out there who can handle me from day 1 that the friendship turns into more. I dont mean that in a bragging sort of way, because thats another thing I never do. Friends admire, respect and appreciate what I am. Lovers hate, and get jealous over what I must be doing wrong when they arent looking. You know the old saying, if you get accused of something for long enough, you might as well just do it. Well, Im tired of living that way too.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Well, Well, Well

Well I did talk to my friend. I explained to him that I considered him my friend, and that I didnt use that word too lightly. He asked if I was angry. I replied with 'do you think I had reason to be?'. Yes, he said. So onto the friendship. I also explained to him that he trusted me, and with good reason.

Then "Well, how many other people do you call friends that you trust?"
"None Joy."

My reply to that was that I was sorry for him because of that fact but he didnt want a friend who pitied him correct? I mean most people would be happy just having someone they can truly trust and depend on to help them through things. And that should he ever disrespect me again, he wouldnt even have that anymore.

This is what I meant when I said it takes most people a lot longer to learn how very important it is to appreciate. Some never learn. In my personal opinion, those are also the quickest to let life make them bitter.

Just my $492.00 dollars worth.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Reminds me

This only goes to remind me that there are people that are worth calling friends and there are some who just are not and never will be a true friend. When I think back to the wonderful friends that I have had and lost to many things, I realize that its possible to have more friends that good some day, its just not as probable.
I do also believe that the small world we trap ourselves into daily, the beaten path that gets us to and from our days and nights, we have ignored the fact that there are others just like us, even soulmates or friends who will never know each other at all. In the long journey that has been my blog, I have been trying to make meaning out of what I was supposed to learn from the deaths of my two best friends in the world. From the horrible feelings it evoked to the person it made me in the end. It has made me better I know, and worse as well. But in making me better it has definately taught me one thing, that I think it takes most of mankind far longer to learn. And that is appreciation.
Appreciate any and all connections you can make with other people. Remember that deep inside you truly know whether or not someone is really your friend. When you have a doubt, a hurtful one, it might just be time to let it go.
As always, if you set something free.... right? Well, thats how it is.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Wasting my time

Ok so it was an ominous premonition that I played this song over and over before I left for the day Friday. I was thinking of wasted time.

If in the last ten years I had back all the time I spent playing video games, what could I have done with that time? Gotten a degree? Maybe.

If I had all the time back that I spent on EQ?

If I had all the time back that I spent on wasted efforts towards friends or lovers that didnt earn those efforts?

Wow, thats a lot of time. Problem is, Ill never, or at least I hope I never stop playing video games. I want to be the granny on the block that can beat the holy crap out of any teenager on the block in Mortal Kombat or Madden 2k5.

Cant go back and take myself away from EQ, and for what its worth, it served much purpose and did its job for me for years.

The third one I decided was the only one I could change. So I set out to do so. I decided to demand a higher respect from the friendships I have. I decided that anyone I thought to label friend would meet and match the expectations of the very few other people I had used to describe that word in the past.

Then something ugly happened. A friend was too passive to take up for me, or stand up for our safety and rights to another friend who was careless with us, our well being and safety. I got angry that I was the only person there with balls enough to stand up and set the situation straight. I dont mind being the bitch. I dont even mind if she thinks I did it for the wrong reasons. The fact is I only give respect to those who I see deserve it, so when I do, I give it openly, but I do expect it in return.

A friend is a person who defends you, even when you may be wrong.

I believe I lost a good friend. When he calls me on Monday or Tuesday he will ask me if I am angry with him. I will either say yes outright, or ask him if HE thinks I have any reason to be. He knows I do. I seen it in his eyes when I left. He also knows Im not the type for do'overs, or to deal with being disrespected when it comes to the people I surround myself with. Im sure he thinks Ill never hang out with him again. So as of Monday when he calls, maybe tuesday. But I DO know he will call this week. When given the option of "Yes I am angry, now would you like to know why?" That will decide the outcome of this friendship. If he doesnt care enough to know, then I dont care enough to waste one more second on a friendship that is as needed in my life as 19 extra arms coming out of my nostrils.


Friday, November 12, 2004

Ph33R M3H

Im kind of scared of this weekend. Im not quite sure whats going to happen but I know something will. This will be my last FFA weekend for a bit too. One way or another I am going to have to enjoy it. So in the spirit of having a good wrap up weekend to my Joy Season, I will begin it on Thursday. So thus far its been...

2 Coors light 22 oz.
3 Millers
1 round of Shell Shocked on the Xbox
1 night at my neices listening to my sister screech about how good lookin her new bf is.
1 night at my neices listening to my sister screech at the pic I showed her
1 night I couldnt stay awake past 1am.
1 muscle relaxer that made me feel like I had been laying down for hours, when I hadnt even taken my shoes off yet.
3 friends that made dragging myself back to home the boring hell hole not so miserable
1 cousin I got to talk to that is blood related to me and we hit it off beautifully. Hes going to take me to see some more family this weekend
Wasting my Time - by the band Default played 4 times while I checked all my fav blogs and got ready for a shower
20 bucks my dad is going to give me so I can enjoy whats Inc.
1 sad moment when I realize my joy causes at least one other person pain
1 moment of "fuck it" when I realized I shouldnt feel guilty at all.

Off I go~~

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Nothing can do me in...

Nothing seem to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know

I've givin' everything I need
I'd give you everything I own
I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
I've given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down and
Blow up the outside world

Someone tried to tell me something
Don't let the world bring you down
Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help
Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I never would
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the upside world

Men & Women

I have a very important question for anyone willing to answer.

Is there anything about a man who hits a woman, that makes him a good man? Lets say the woman is really hard to deal with. Perhaps she isnt always straight forward with the man. Perhaps she she did some things that were rude, or wrong. Is there anything that justifies a man raising his fist, and pummeling her until she cant even move. Is there anything ok with the woman going to work, starting new jobs, with two black eyes from the abuse?

In your own life, in the life you share with no one, or your lady... is there ever any reason or right to be this? To abuse, to raise hands in anger.

If there is no justification for this abuse... then what should the woman do? Once shes been abused for years and years... where is her justice? What could she do at that time that would make it so she could live with herself again?

Burning bridges, one slab at a time.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004



Im wondering if you have an email or use an IM to converse with, or if you strictly use your blog. I only ask because there are times when Im sitting here pondering the lameness life can offer and if it can entertain you only for a few minutes and keep your mind off things then it will serve a purpose bigger then what its serving me. Its only making me think Im less sane and more then a tad neurotic.

Anyhow, if you or bm or any of the local crazies there just need someone to help rant insanity at them so they can be secure in their own freakishness then hit my profile and use that email address there. Ill be around until something big kills me.

I ask because earlier tonight I was sitting here eating some homemade Quesadillas when I thought about you and hoped your day was going better then it has seemed to be lately. Sometimes when you are stuck in an ugly memory all it takes is a stranger with issues to make you feel better about yourself.

Remember the whole, "when you cant make life pay for its mistakes, make a friend pay, they wont hate you for it, life on the other hand, will kick you in the ass for it later" thing.

You've Been Warned

Im not sure why this silly test intrigued me so much but it did. And for some reason I feel like taking it apart in pieces might give me some insight into myself. Parts Ive been desperately trying to uncover for years.

'You serve with all your depth and darkness... '


He is the Tilirreh of Black. Feale, the Twilight One symbolizes the soothing darkness that stands to emphasize the light. His eternal immortal opposite is Andelas, the Tilirreh of White. Feale rules a monochrome world without color. '

Without color. That is truly how I see my own soul, my aura, my hidden color or ruler. Im not a pinky or muave type of girl, nor am I so pointless as to be black or completely colorless. Im more or less just the opposite. In the scheme of things I can imagine a world full of females running around with their shiny pink aura's and a gaggle of men striding around with thier dark greens or blues. But in comparison to the thoughts those colors invoke, Im definately some abstract opposite there. Monochrome, weird but that color/blend has always drawn me to it. The web site I just finished making is slathered in it.

'Black is not a color but the absence of light and is the great void of the unknown. As such, Feale is not the final choice and your true color is yet to be revealed in the fullness of time.... '

This seems a tad frightening to me when I consider the depth of the comment. I do hope that I dont live in this monochrome atmosphere forever, but the idea of it changing only signifies that I, myself will have to change into one of those frilly colors that seems to go hand in hand with blind ignorance. I wonder what Ill look like ignorant...

'If you have a Feale-guided personality then you have known the deepest heaviest darkness of spirit, and an intensity of need beyond all, a hunger that like the void does not seem to have a means of being alleviated. '

From the get go. As a child given up for adoption and well aware of it from as early an age as possible, there has always been a very deep and dark heaviness within me. In the formative years where I found temporary reprive from it, inside of good whole hearted friends who seemed to fill that void, they were jerked from me too. It doesnt get any deeper. There has never seemed to be a way out of the void, or a means to feed the hunger. Nothing that last for me, nothing that last in my world.

'You are solitary, proud and lofty in your ebony tower that was once made of ivory. You seem to have found another path altogether which beckons others with its secret glamour. And yet inside you continue to burn without fulfillment, weighed down by the burden of need. You are a lady of darkness, beautiful in your mystery, in your remoteness, and compelling to the rest of us as we observe your fierce strength and impossible self-reliance. '

Scary. In life I once did live in that ivory tower. I was always perched above and beyond most of those around me. Not in an egotistical manner. Just a manner of living, breathing, doing something more then pure existance. To the point that others relied upon me, but still considered approaching me slightly more then out of reach on some things. Now because of the darkness in me, the ability to confront it, laugh at it, and taunt it with a big stick, people seem just as drawn to that too. Perhaps more, because the world knows that most are attracted to the dark and mysterious more then the open and obvious. The self reliance perhaps has caused more issue for me then anything. Im not sure why but a lot of men, I.E. in relationships, they tend to think wow, now heres a chick who doesnt NEED me, she doesnt HAVE to have me so she wont always be clinging to me or shoving herself up my ass. And then I get in a relationship with them and they are suddenly compelled into wanting me to do those things, cling, need, be unable to live without. But sadly, they never see that it was just the opposite that made them love me. And sadly it takes them years to realize that its just how I am, that I can love them endlessly, and Im never going to be that whiney, needy one that begs them to stay when they want to go. I always let them go. They have caused me to question myself of course. Is the letting go me being me??, or is it being weak and giving up? I think its just my ingrained personality and thats the way it will always be for me. The thought of saying something like "Oh please stay with me and care for me and be my knight in shining armor", makes me cringe inwardly. Im more the "sit down and stfu or get out of my life" type of person. I never said I was an easy person to live with. And I never said I could live with someone like myself. Id have killed me long ago.

'Secrets make up your existence. Often beyond your fortress of personal defenses lies overwhelming ice-cold loneliness and isolation, and powerful anger. And with no outlet, the anger torments you deeply in an endless cycle of pain. None but you and Feale ever know this, for he too knows your despair, and for that you trust him alone and none other. '

Trusting is a hard issue for me. Not because of any one person or event. Admittedly there have been more then one person and more then one event that should have caused me to swear off mankind forever. But its not in me to do so. That goes so against the redheaded forward nature of me that it makes me cringe to imagine myself just letting go and giving someone every bit of trust or affection that I have. Eerily, because of this, once I have given up or given in and some desperate ego has broken the personal defenses down, they find this ice cold isolated angry person they didnt want to find. Much better to go back outside and relax with the girl who let you do what you want, when you wanted to do it, instead of this ice cold witch who will burn bridges on purpose and with glee just to be rid of what you are considering making her become. Sorry, DALjr, but that one was for you pal.

'Taken to the extreme, darkness can seem overwhelming. The void appears ever-gaping with nothing to fill it. But remember that in the fullness of time nothing breeds only more nothing and is only a voluntary pause, that anger is a symptom of misdirected light, and that despair is merely a temporary choice to stand alone. Remember also that you are not obligated to be ruled by despair'

Madness how true this is. It seems Ive used anger like a pimp uses a whore. Ive only broken it out when all else fails and I cant seem to fight my way above the despair. It gives me nothing, I give it everything, and temporarily I am fulfilled into believing that Im doing the right thing, no matter how wrong it feels. Anger makes us believe we are doing the right thing when we feel our anger is pimping justice at the time.

'Bankers and businessmen, statesmen and politicians, warlords and conquering invaders, merchants and traders, moneylenders, entrepreneurs, amassers of material wealth and intellectual property and the hearts of others, manipulators of authority, judges, lawyers and professional deceivers, practitioners of the dark occult arts, all those who seek to change the world to accommodate themselves, and all those who have not discovered the means to be fulfilled, are guided by the vacuum that is Feale. '

Im sure at least one ex would say that I am the professional deceiver in this grouping here. But thats not the case at all. I do not deceive. It is their intentions and expectations that decieve them. I remain the same. That in itself can be hard to understand. We think that our existance in someone elses life will cause them to change irreversibly. But thats not the case with me. I remain the same, the same, the same, while they morph like caterpillars into a bitter broken butterfly who finds themselves flying solo because the little caterpillar they wanted to alter refuses to crawl into the cuccoon with them. I will not morph until I have no choice. Even then it will be an epic battle.

'More so than all the other Tilirr Personalities you feel pain and need, and carry the burden of suffering. For you have fathomed the Black Mystery of Feale that darkness is not evil but that which is incomplete and is yet to be filled — and thus for the moment you reside in its depths and embrace it as you continue to hunger for something still unknown to you. '

Incredible. But I am constantly accused of being evil for this reason. I have long ago decided that just because something is different, or odd, such as my abilities to reason with the anger or darkness, does not make it frightening or something to be avoided. More likely its something I investigate more into. Pour more energy into. "The darkness is full of light if you can but find it in the void, eyes wide shut, fist wide open and I will retrieve what is mine". Ive learned to do that. Find bliss in the void. Instead of fearing the darkness, or the things not considered white and goodness, I have found it holds the best secrets. The ones that you never expected to be there. They lie in the dark waiting for brave souls to find their secrets, and bravely my soul found them long ago. Most people come upon the darkness and skid to a halt, grind to a stop, and just stare into it, wondering whats in there for them. I told myself years ago that whatever was in there for me, Id find it and grasp it, or Id never touch it at all. This has remained true for many years now. When I was younger I would have given up much for this ability. The years I went friendless and alone because I was scared to just jump into that black hole and take what was mine, or lose what wasnt. I jumped in, I didnt always find what I was looking for. Sometimes I found things I didnt want, but the point is I found something. Thats more then most can say. If in the darkest moment of your life, you reach into the void and pull back a demon in your hand, you are still not alone. Some demons have pulled me into the light when the darkness had already swallowed me whole.

'You sorrow and wait for fulfillment.

As well you should, you who tread the most difficult of all paths of the soul, for we have all been you, and will be again, unto eternity, until we understand the final mystery of Rainbow.
You are not alone, friend.'

Perhaps this is the hardest part to read for me. Because as I stand in the void, the blankness, I tell myself I am alone. It makes it easier. I mean, if you are standing in the pitch black, you dont want to think others are there, just within reach, thats far more frightening then most fathomable things in my opinion. It gives me disgruntled hope to think that although I do feel I have always tread the most difficult of paths, that I must continue to do so, until the mystery is revealed. I suppose in my opinion, the mystery doesnt end until my life does. Ive always thought that the one moment of clarity comes to those who are perched on the brink of life and death. At least I can move on knowing that I cant sit around expecting an epiphany one cold December day in the middle of my life, but that I can move on, in void or in chaos, and know that at the end of the long dark purgatory like tunnel, there will come a day, the day of my death, that I get to see what I was looking for all along. I have no problems waiting. Patience, is the one virtue/curse, that I have an overabundance of.


Thanks to anyone who reads this. And to those who actually understand it, then you must be living in this sort of monochrome existance that I reside in, have resided in for decades. I dont feel like the dark parts of myself are something to be hidden, or stifled, and I welcome others who believe that life is more then frilly rainbows and fluffy colors to be ruled by. I do feel that people approaching me deserve to know the full truth of what I am. Perhaps that is fueled by the pains I have cost others, or the trauma I have endured myself, but life isnt fair, and I dont intend to hold lifes hand in that partnership. No one should ever say, hey, I didnt know that girl was so ... odd. Because they should have been slapped in the face repeatedly with that fact in the first 3 minutes we spoke.

So /slap /slap /slap.

You've been warned~!

Monday, November 08, 2004

Redhead H8 Continues

GW Bush: u make me sick man
GW Bush: u f&#%$ slob SOB MF
Joy: NO

Weekends to remember

She came home on Friday, in the afternoon. Her dad was having a glass of wine and tried to dance with her, ballroom style to music like Busta Rhymes and Wu-Tang. She showed him how to dance to her music instead. He bought her a beer and told her he wished she would stay with him and give him someone to talk to tonight, but he understood she wanted to get out.

She goes to her moms house and talks to them for a bit. She's already decided shes not going to his house tonight. Its Friday and thus Uglyday at his house tonight. She remembers something his cousin said earlier this week and decides to call. "Hey, whats up," she whispers. Feeling like a teenage girl again instead of a grown woman. "Hey babe, just sitting here, what you going to do?" "Not sure, was going to ask you if you thought C would split that with me. I figured Id just call him or something, or you can, and Ill call you back." Silence. "Actually I need to find Kevin and get my check." Sounds like he wants her to give him a ride, so she sighs, takes a breath and ask. "Yeah please, I need to get over there before it gets too late." More sighs, and off she goes.

She gets over there and hes still inside. Cursing and putting her beer in the console she goes inside. If its possible to really curse and mean it while smiling, thats exactly what she did as she walked to the door. So the same old same old Friday night it is eh? Yes it is.

Saturday night was a lot better. Went to see some old friends play. Please click the title link for a link to Random Noise Generators website. These are a group of local guys, most that I grew up with, and are completely kick ass. Dan, go download any songs it will let you get, this is old school sepultura hardcore, doesnt get any better then this unless its because you have a 5th of Beam in your hand while you are watching them play. So back to Saturday.

These two have never even mentioned being serious or more then just friends to each other. But Saturday night seen something they had not experienced before. Jealousy. And no, not on her part, she doesnt get jealous much, rare, trust me shes the fucking Panda bear of jealous women. Very uncommon. JR another old friend just kept talking in cryptic words to them. So, are you guys.... ? They are friends they say.

So they go to Caywoods. She asks where Andy is. Hes coming! is the answer. Yay! Smiles, happy, get to see a good old friend.... whats with the silence. A glance over at him and he looks upset. He smiles crookedly at her and she goes, Andys a good buddy of mine, I miss him, cant wait to see him. He doesnt say a word. A lot of nice looking men around here... she keeps telling herself, smiling inside and out. She forgot what it felt like to be happy, to not be worried, to not have to earn love or work so hard to get it. Its just given to her here. Love, trust and friendship. You guys arent leaving are you? They asked. They just laughed and left for about an hour.

She knows she needs to find a pair of nuts and just tell him. Its like these two people feel exactly the same way about everything, about each other, but neither will just spit it the fuck out. She tells herself shes going to this weekend, at all cost. Screw it, its got to be done.

Sunday night, quiet, relaxed, fun.... weirdly couplish.

As the night wears on, 1130 and both tired. "Lets get in the bed." Sounds good to me. An hour later, relaxing, breathing... talking? Not really.

"You know I love you to death right?"
"Its just because of the sex"

She cant win. Its impossible.

Friday, November 05, 2004


What is Redism?
- the downside to being a redhead

If you're a redhead, you almost certainly had times at school when people picked on you, simply because you were different to everyone else. You were the one with red hair, and you were to be avoided at all costs. You supposedly had the short fuse, the unpredictable temperament and I bet you were the last one to be picked for any team too.

*The last line is not true. I was always picked first. Most of the time before most of the boys. But thats aside from the point since kids are the most opportunistic people on the planet. They wouldnt have cared if I had a hump growing off the side of my face if I could beat down all the mean kids in Kickball. Hum... maybe now I see the connection. Bad example.*

There were the taunts of "gingernut", "ginger" and "carrot-top". You may remember others. You could be walking along one day and some idiot with nothing better to do would call out across the street "GINGER!", leaving you to guess his I.Q. to be under 10. And did you ever wonder why you got called "carrot-top", when you could have sworn your hair wasn't green?

*What the hell wussy ass school did these kids go to? Gingernut? I would have laughed at that. It was the redheaded step child, red on the head as a dick on a dog shit that annoyed me. Red on the head means hot in the hole. Do you realize Ive been hearing that since before I knew wtf hole they meant? Gingernut.. lm...fao.. ro.. fl"

On the other hand

I have no balls. I just wanted to state that for the record. Thank you and Good Night.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Link to South Park MLB Style.

No kidding, click the link. Looks just like my old office manager where Jacque (JLD) worked.

Thanks to brainy people who have creative brain cells left

Thanks to a damn good old friend with brains the size of Texas for helping me with my first site. Click the link to see the site almost done :D

joy: this makes me wanna...
joy: beat myself in the face with a hammer
joy: how do you do this shit and still look so relaxed and calm n kewl
JLD: what stuff
joy: page, links, hyperlinks, html, bla bla ble ble KILL MEH NOW
JLD: ill help u ok
joy: ok lol
JLD: lmao
joy: r u laughin at me?
JLD: yeah mon
joy: lol
joy: why u look @ the site again?
JLD: no man
JLD: cool it
JLD: i gotta do a site tonight for the rastafarian rap lords here
joy: lol
JLD: cats eye inc
joy: wtf no that sounds frightening
JLD: your starting to remind me of that preacher in poltergeist movie that came out and touched that midget gypsy and fried her on touch
joy: hahhaa
JLD: so what do u do man
joy: a/s/l plz
joy: in my free time, I collect cans
JLD: wtf man
JLD: lmao shut up u are such a loser like right now
JLD: gosh
joy: did you ever know that your my hero?
JLD: sent u a tiff 458 kb maybe 5 min dl on crawl up to the dragon cave
joy: ok sweet
JLD: u get it mayyun
joy: die bitch
JLD: wtf man
JLD: is it downloading
joy: roll out
joy: roll out
joy: yea
joy: yeah yeah damn
joy: i owe u a pile o sammiches yo
JLD: based on the current structure you have now?
joy: well... if possible., unless you have a better structure, because my structure is almost structureless
joy: i will owe you mucho sammiches mayan
joy: no kidding, come to the noake and ill take u to the shady new yerker
JLD: muchos
JLD: it is a touch shady isnt
joy: yeah, i think any place where the owner looks mad that you are there is a tad shady lol
JLD: u will say anything
Joy: bs lol
JLD: u f--- son of a b--- mf
Joy: if it was bs id say.. yo its bs
JLD: i was up in the noake saturday
Joy: dayam
Joy: should have went and had a sammich
JLD: i seen donna walking down patterson ave with a mini skirt in
JLD: on
Joy: got the goods yo
JLD: really
Joy: downloading dvd software now
JLD: that was very slow
Joy: very
JLD: was it opened up?
Joy: the burg mail is slow
Joy: ?
JLD: still sealed
Joy: it was sealed
JLD: thought maybe sice i was mailing to a convict like yourself
Joy: haha
JLD: what the john
Joy: what the richard
JLD: what the poindexter
JLD: did u install suite?
Joy: not yet no
JLD: man wtf i oughta smack the
JLD: damn man u are old
JLD: when we going on that date
JLD: to the new yorker thug sandwich shop
Joy: Lol
Joy: whenever u want man
Joy: i wanna go for realz
Joy: having a sammich with ya would make my damn day
JLD: yeah mon
JLD: then we could go egg the jarozewski house
Joy: god... that would be awsome
JLD: i just thought of something ill
Joy: can u imagine how much he would shake when he seen it
JLD: what if i made a flash of him shaking trying to light a cigarette then peeping in windows, and emailed it to him and al anonymously
Joy: Omfg
Joy: Oh man....
Joy: bcc me lol
Joy: oh mayan
JLD: i think i am maybe ill bcc all the execs
JLD: OH MAN it could take a week to make it but it would be worth it
Joy: oh man... so worth it
JLD: i should do it south park style.
Joy: omfg
JLD: snail mail and email
Joy: ooh my god.....
Joy: thats incredible man
Joy: you are god
Joy: omg... do Al, and Marty... omfg... TIFFY.... give her big ass fake red hair
JLD: what do u think
Joy: omg dude
Joy: i swear.. it looks like him man
Joy: the lil frown did it
JLD: going down to maple leaf... i wish i could rig the song up
Joy: omfg....
Joy: tears man tears stop it yer killing me
JLD: have michelle come in and whip al like a biyotch
JLD: man this could be huge
Joy: dear god man... u are genius
Joy: making bob listen to fifty cent
JLD: bob is pops
Joy: yep
Joy: u gotta meet pops man.. hes insane
JLD: lmao thats wild man
Joy: he likes it
JLD: does he read your ims?
Joy: hes 67
Joy: no lol
Joy: he dunno wtf to do with a pc
JLD: hes almost your age isnt he
Joy: wtfnhell
Joy: ,,,,
JLD: is that a bird man?
Joy: yea man
Joy: u got the bird for that comment
JLD: dag man
JLD: u wanna get married man?
Joy: sure man
Joy: to who?
JLD: me u smuck
Joy: your married man wtf yo
JLD: second wife
Joy: oh
Joy: u wanna harem?
JLD: yeah man
JLD: u down?
Joy: sure man. means i only have to do 50% of the womens work
JLD: or mistress (concubon)
Joy: sounds good to me
Joy: im down
JLD: concubon?
Joy: concubine
Joy: yea sure
JLD: alright YEAH
Joy: ok ok
Joy: calm down
Joy: now u got 2 women to listen to them bitch
Joy: poor no foresight having bastid
JLD: aint that the truth
Joy: lol yea
JLD: never mind
Joy: hahahahaha
JLD: i already got grays
Joy: u need what i need
Joy: a deaf dumb and blind spouse
Joy: no talking, its not permitted
JLD: hahahaha
JLD: that sounds like a blow up doll
Joy: hmm
JLD: u can do this instead ok
Joy: ok
JLD: go to your shared border
JLD: delete the gray box
Joy: good your finally gonna give me the retard way to do it, its been 3 fuckin days mayan
JLD: then go to the insert menu and insert flash movie
JLD: or something like that
JLD: shut up man
JLD: :@WTF Man respond to me before i destroy u
Joy: lol bob was yackin
JLD: well u got it down now i see
JLD: bizznob
JLD: to the rizznob

Ok, I know no one else cares to read all this chit but me, but damn that guy is genius. Going to upload the south park pic he made and post under this.

Quote of the Day

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
~Brooke Shields~

Who gets mystified?

I wanted to make a list of favorite music for different occasions but I dont want to get list happy. I am only giving 3 good songs each, perhaps not the #1 songs in my book even, just damn good ones for those special occasions. So here goes....

Songs to drink hard liqour to:

The Ocean - Led Zepplin
Have A Drink On Me - AC/DC
Sickman - Alice in Chains

Songs to drink a beer to:

Cheap Sunglasses - ZZ Top
Been Caught Stealin' - Janes Addiction
Smooth - Santana

Songs to drive to:

Call Me the Breeze - Lynard Skynard
Ty Cobb - Soundgarden
Roll out - Ludacris

Songs to Enrage you into an assault and battery charge if listened to after the beer or liquor songs and/or attempted manslaughter charges if used in conjunction with Songs to Drive to:

Damn that River - Alice in Chains
Cuban Necktie - Cypress Hill
I Fucking Hate You - Godsmack

Songs that should get you a kick to the crotch, followed up by a swift backhanded pimp slap across the face, if you Karaoke them in a bar:

Slim Shady - Eminem
Are You Lonesome Tonight? - Elvis Presley
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye

If you can drive to Ty Cobb completely in your right mind and not mash the gas pedal just a wee lil bit then you are not a normal human being. The same goes for slaughtering the lyrics of any truly GOOD artist in a drunken Karaoke frenzy. Im not quite putting Eminem in the same catagory as Elvis or Marvin Gaye on a genre basis, but strickly on a trend setting time of release basis.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

I guess I know

I miss you when Im not with you. I think about your smile, your face, your body. I sit around talking myself into calling you to tell you these things, then I talk myself out of it just as quickly. I know you aren't, cant possibly... be right for me. But suddenly I dont care. All the things I know, all the things Ive learned about you over the years, those dont matter anymore. When I see you, I smile, deep inside. When Im so close to where you are, but cant come touch you, I feel so empty, in the same spot I can smile from when you are near. When I can see you, my eyes, my brain, fills up on you. I just dont know how to tell you this stuff anymore.

God, sound like a damn soap opera dont I?

Monday, November 01, 2004


I am honored by a friend who wrote a poem dedicated to me. I hope he doesnt mind me posting it here, it gave me a better feeling then Ive had in quite some time.

Here's To Joy
Joy Is...
That Warm Feeling In My Heart When I Know You Are Listening.
Talking To You, Sharing With You, For Better Or Worse
Knowing There Is Someone Out There That Cares
Knowing I Can Say Anything I Feel, Even On My Darkest Day
Helping To Carry A Friend
Having A Friend Help Carry Me
Going Out At 10:00 TO Share A Moment With A Distant Friend
Waking Up In The Morning, Blogging My Heart Away
Joy Is A Kindred Soul, I May Never Meet, But I Will Always Know
She Can Never See My Tears
But I Know She Sees My Soul
Joy Is My Friend..

Im always listening, Im always here.

Something in the way...

Something in the way he moves.

The rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps. Brushing his hand through his hair. Walking across the room. His hands as he grasp the glass he is drinking from. His eyes, eyelashes, lazy and sultry as he looks at me.

Very few words, no arguing, no hatred.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Some things...

Some things are better left undone... like pants.

Sometimes, you can love someone near to death, and just never take the time to tell them so. I heard someone say this weekend, "Im not worth the time it takes to love me." And I thought, wow, I feel the same way about myself.