Sunday, December 26, 2004

Fockin roof

Well I got invited to a movie so off I go to see The Fockers. I love DeNiro so it should be good. Whats even better is being taken to a movie for a change. What? Not a date where we sit in a darkened bedroom smoking and drinking? Wowie...

Things do change if you let them :D

Alas, it all must come to an end. Back to the old roof tomorrow to finish off the top. I swear Im going to get some pics up here of it before its over. But yep, back to the rooftops, then after that we still have the porch left to do. It has to be rebuilt. So apparently for the next few weeks I will be a roofer/apprentice carpenter. Go me for learning something new~

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Holiday Update - Style Via Ironpants the incredible blogger

1 5th of Jim Beam that was supposed to be for Xmas.
1 5th of Jim Beam shared with my dad on the 23rd.
2nd 5th he went to get on Xmas eve to replace the one we drank.
My first hangover of the year from the first bottle.
The second bottle I am currently working on.
3 phone calls that lasted more then an hour each with Cd.
30 minutes total spent wondering and hoping Kt is ok and not wrecking his life too much harder.
30 minutes total spent wondering and hoping DAL is ok and not wrecking his life too much harder.
1 gift of much needed clothes from my Mom and Dad.
1 gift of 50 bucks from my Bio dad Bob that will buy my sons Xmas present.
2 hours spent in my favorite Irc chatroom playing UNO with the bot.
3 Valiums.
An hour spent wondering if I am honoring the memories of my lost friends enough by keeping them in my heart this Xmas season.

Slayer-South of Heaven- Played in memory of Robbie James
Cypress Hill - Cuban Necktie - Played in memory of Steve Kinzie
Candlebox - Cover me - Played in memory of Ben Campbell

Train - Calling all Angels - In hopes that these great people who have passed before me will continue to watch my step for me, to guide me and guard me. Im sure without them, I would be a shell of what I am today.

My new years resolution fresh in my mind. No more fakes, no more sell outs, no more dishonor, no more disrespect, no more alcoholics. :)

Friday, December 24, 2004


Thats what I feel like talking on the phone like a teenager for hours. But oddly, we had our first, "serious" conversation this morning. About the BS drama crap that happened 10 years ago. It was odd, but all the sudden the 2 of us and our joking relatively light conversation got very serious, but very adult.

It seemed odd because its been a long time since Ive been able to discuss something with an adult male in a completely healthy manner. No yelling, listening, making comments to support ideas or waiting patiently to disagree if the need be.

Weird, there are normal human males out there :p

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Redneck X-mas

In the spirit of living in South East Roanoke now, which is apparently the "redneck" part of town, I woke up this morning to a rainy sky... yay, no roof. Slept in until 12 noon, and got up. Talked to Cd on the phone a bit, grabbed a shower.. ran out to Wendys for food.

I got home and while eating my burger I seen the sun start to come out.....

I was appauled. Dad already bought us a bottle of beam to suck on for the day, planning on going to Cd's to play that damn game finally today, and things were looking ok. No, hell no. The sun comes up, Mickeys gonna call and the roof it will be until dark. No, HELL NO.

So outside to the porch I ran, where I yelled fairly loudly, "What the fuck is going on?? Where is the fucking rain or snow? MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO ME!"

Now Mickey is on his way over, if he mentions work, Im breaking out the now imfamous pair and hes getting nutslapped.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


It struck me oddly as I was driving home from Boogers house. Yep, I have a cousin named Booger. (Not his real name) And I realized that dating or the whole dating world is like calling audibles in football.

Anyone who says that this isnt "playing a game" is just fucking fooling themselves or trying to sound innocent and coy. Its not either. Here is a short excerpt of insight I shared with a young EQ friend I used to play with this evening.

Joy: ... gonna tell you right now that dating is always just like it is in high school
Joy: ignorant stupid and embarrassing
(Tj 41 - I might be the city of compton's right knee): lol, really?
Joy: yes, it never gets any better

Ok so the one thing I havent mentioned much is that Cd is Kt's cousin. But I did seriously date Cd years ago when I first moved into Tinker Creek. There was some bullshit that caused drama and we never really spoke again. Until recently, at Kt's. I always liked Cd though, and I believe he liked me a lot too.

Ok so back to football. People call their plays and they make their moves. Im not going to get in depth but does anyone understand this concept or is it just my fucked up imagination how dating or the drama and high schoolishness of it all reminds you of some full contact sport where people just keep changing up, calling audibles and going WAY the fuck offsides??

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Ok Ok I deserve this...

I think CD's neice isnt telling him that I am calling. We both issued a challenge to defeat one another at ESPN 2k4 and since then the play date has fell through like 3 times now.

I think fates being a bitch and just playing hard against us. She did this to us before, 10 years ago. This time though I promise to fight her harder. Even if it means I have to take this extra pair of balls Im toting around and beat her in the face with them.

That is all.

$ongs for $ex

For some reason I just think this is one of the most incredibly erotic songs there are. Of course its not Marvin Gaye or Barry White. I guess it would take a particular type of person to agree with it or feel the same but this song just makes me think of hardcore sweaty primal sex@~

it's ok, it's ok, ok relieve me
pins in me, pins in me, in me you kill me
the lounge fly
the lounge fly
the fly you bring me
I think I'm free but the dogs theywon't release me

I can't give what I take away
and the other understands
she said she'd be my woman
she said she'd be my man
I can't live this way
please refill my soul

don't have a nickel or a dollar but
you feed me
my bottle's empty but you always
refuel me
I feel I'm sinking but you won't
let me drown me
I wanna fuck, wanna fuck
but do you need me?

Losing my soul, finding my heart

For some reason these words wont stay out of my head and my heart. They just speak volumes about where I feel like Ive been in my life. At almost any given moment these words could have described my present.

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Not depressed or depressive. Just that this feels like the "real me"

Off to work on the roof :D Yay, money is good, roofing sucks BM's balls.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Wowie I did it

Well since I still have use of BM's ballsack... Ive been using the pair quite thoroughly. I now have been given the power to make cold calls. Yes.... I called CD, and hes on the way to get me for a little ride around and chat. Go me... and BM's balls.

I swear, Ill give them back soon, but once word gets out how useful they are you may just have to give them up for quite a while.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004


Roofing sucks. Its about 30 degrees outside and windy. Feels like 22 the weather channel thing I got on my page sez. :((((( But out I head to do some more work. Today will be a good day though I hope. A friend from Everquest is coming to meet me, gonna have a couple of drinks and enjoy ourselves. (Vekx) to those who read here and know him from my guild on EQ for the last 4 years.

Its not been hard at all working with Kt the few days hes helped on the roof. I think he even knows Im done with the friendship. Sure there is still joking around, but theres a definate wall there. Im glad of it. When I am done with something, I am truly done. My actions might not always reflect that, but my attitude and heart certainly does. I think a lot of people think Im cold hearted for that.

I have an xbox date with CD on Wednesday. He doesnt drink. He admits he gets evil when he does so he hasnt drank more then 2 beers at a time in over 10 years. Boy, does that sound good to me. I told him I was gonna whip his ass at ESPN football2k4. Im gonna lose :D

Monday, December 13, 2004

Compilation of songs I enjoy. DarkSoulhavoc Part 1

Anyone in my brain enough to name these songs these excerpts are from???

I served my perdition, in this private hell
A thousand angers have kept me alive
Grab a hold on your distorted world
Im here to bang it
Take a little caution when you look my way
See the emptiness in my eyes.
And the evil thing, I embrace
Want to meet you, want to feel you near
Want your, need your, Light
Want your, need your, Life

Come together with your hands,
Save me,
Im together with your plan
All my friends are Indians...
All my friends are brown and red.
All my friends are skeletons
They beat a rythym with their bones.

Come on, lock it on.


Sick in the head,
sick in the mouth
I dont hear a word you say
Not a bit, and I dont give a shit
Yeah yeah yeah
I got the gas, i got the steel
I got everything
And all I need is your head on a stake.


Over me
You fade into the night
Over me
You melt into the light
Over me
You will fear the things I need
Over me
You will feel the hate I breed
You're under me
And you will question my authority
You're under me
And you will lose almost everything
You're under me
You will feel the pain I wanna bring you
You're under me
You never change
Never change a fucking thing
Not a fucking thing


Be what you wanna be
See what you came to see
Been what you wanna be
I dont like what I see

Good luck. The winner takes home a redheaded demon for xmas.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Name that tune?

I don't know you, so don't freak on me
I can't control you
You're not my destiny

Straight out of line
I can't find a reason why i should justify my ways
Straight out of line i don't need a reason
You don't need to lie to me
I'll confess this you're my tragedy
I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me
Gone forever vanished the memories,
this face of pleasure are masked by your misery

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Hard @ Work Part 1

So today, after the last bit of disrespect that ended any hopes of a real friendship, we had to work together. Roofing is a tough job. I am Osha certified, can type 90 words per minute, but right now the only work I can find is helping my cousin improve some houses in various ways. Right now we are working on a huge Old Southwest home. This house actually had 4 apartments in it. Its big. And 3 stories high. Frightening and very invigorating... but dreadfully exhausting work. But no chance in hell any bs drama is interfering in any of my work day. Im pretty sure we had that silent agreement well ahead of time. So we tore off 3 layers of wet nasty board, felt and shingles.. got a lot of work done today, and I JUST got home at the time of this post. I left at 8am. Im no weakling but a lot of this is beyond my physical abilities... I can only carry a slab of shingles up 3 and a half flights of stairs before I have to take a breath :D. Good hard ass physical work. Im aching all over but I dont regret a bit of it. Im toning up, eating less and my heart rate gets a good pounding several times per day now. It also does wonders for the mentality. Roof, 3 stories high, standing on the edge or sweeping it, you think about work, safety, balance. Not lame drama and sad memories. I always wonder what people think when they see me doing a 'mans job' with the boys. The boys worried about me falling or just stressing over me when I jump in and start helping them, with less fear then they have....

The tension was not unbearable or anything. As a matter of fact, I was the same old me and I wondered, or got the feeling, that it bothered him that I wasnt more somber then I was. Im leaning on Mickey-cousin pretty hard in a lot of areas right now. Hes gotten me work, hes kept me riding around with him, doing work here and there, kept me out of trouble and given me someone to talk to about the petty but meaningful things we all seem to want to share. He gives me hell. I need it though. :D

So the day is over, we are sitting downtown in the truck waiting for Mickey to talk to the boss. And I finally broke out that old sweaty overused pair of balls BM loaned me last weekend....
"Why does it seem like you are angry with me? You really have no reason to be"... via me.
"Im not mad at you babe"
"Well I was hurt by what happened, I want you to know you are my friend 1st and foremost and I want to be respected as you would any of these guys you actually call friend. Like Mickey" I said.
"Well I was kind of hurt too"

What the hell? Hurt why? Because I left after the drama started?

Finally Mickey was on his way out. Of course right as we were starting to speak again.

"Im not done talking to you yet Mister" I said, seriously.

Wonder if he really wants to hear what I have to say next?

Monday, December 06, 2004


This song is beautiful to me. Its possible its because its been the 'story' of my life. This touches me, I hope you go download the song if you arent familiar with it. The acoustic version is incredible.

And you
Bring me to my knees
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

Thats what he had. Thats what he gave up. His loss. Im done. Moving on. And I feel good about it. I decided that the first day of 2005 I will make a resolution. The only one Ive ever made. When I promise myself something, I am forced to stick to it. Ive never failed, thus the fear in making them. The laziness.

My new years resolution will be to remove all the fake people from my life. To get rid of the sell outs. If you cant be real, you cant be my friend. Im going to take what I want from 2005, instead of kindly waiting for it. Instead of being the compassionate, respectful one, Im going to demand it up front, or Im not wasting my time with another soulless individual.

Somethings arent as they seem

Well thanks to BM I had a hefty set of balls to break out this weekend. I didnt break them out in the fashion I had intended. What I did do is keep my word to myself. I tried to befriend a person who didnt deserve the title. Not even close. You can only say Im sorry for something one time, once is a mistake. A second sorry is useless when its the same thing occuring.

I lost a friend. Not because I did something, but because he didnt value our friendship enough to show it, for the last time. Im sad in my heart that its over. And even more sadly, he doesnt even know it.. yet. It feels bad, but Ive felt much worse. Hes gone, but hes not dead. Thats the only thing I can think of to be thankful about him at the moment.

So on I trudge. Ill be doing more roofing this week. Yes roofing, hard ass work on an ugly roof in one of the worst neighborhoods in this city. But Ill be doing it with a stronger spine.

One chapter in my book of Foolishness is over. The next one begins soon Im sure.
Hating yourself is a lonely feeling. But to be honest, Im glad Im alone while Im feeling it.

My mother is in intensive care at the hospital. Tomorrow I go to see her. There is not one soul in my life that is there to comfort me through this. She doesnt have long.. and we all know it. And when does finally go to the Heaven she calls home, there will be no one there who's shoulder I can cry on.

Thank God for Mickey. He is a better friend to me then any I have living in my area. And family.
Im trying to remind myself to be thankful for that, but right now, its very hard.

Bye, K.A. it was nice knowing you.

Friday, December 03, 2004

To drink or not to drink

Ok. Im going to try to get drunk and spew what I got to spew. Im taking bets on whether BM's balls hold out for the duration or not.

I have 10 on me not having the nards to do it.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Best Friend?

We like the same cartoons. We like the same recreations. We know all the same people. We like the same people. Dislike the same people. We are both quiet natured. Not a lot of excessive talking. No bs chatty convo just to be making noise. We both like the same music. We both enjoy the same types of TV shows. We agree on most things. We are essentially the same person. Heres the problem...

Before I met my cousin recently, he asked my best friend "What is she like?" His answer was a smile and "well, shes like me." When MR aka cousin, told me that.. I smiled, a lot. We are a lot alike. I think the worst part is we think a lot alike. Great for a friendship, not so great for making it more then that.

So here we are, at a stalemate. Im not saying anything about it, hes not saying anything about it. Stuck, one of us has to say something. "If you want me to Ill come over." "If you would like to come over then come on, Ill leave the door open."

See what I mean? No ones giving, no ones going to cave and just go look, I like you.. a lot. So how long can this go on? Who knows. He said to me not long ago, if we have been doing this for 13 years off and on, I have no problem doing it another 13 years. Gah, damnit, he says shit like that a lot. "I need you" "I need you for more then one night at a time"

But then when I say "I love you to death you know?" He doesnt believe me.

So how do you take two non believers, and make them believe? In each other.