Blow up the outside world - Sugar Ray - Roanoke, Va 1993

"Someone tried to tell me something,
Dont let the world bring you down.
Nothing can do me in before I do myself,
so save it for your own, and the ones you can help....oh well"

I remember the party pretty well too. It was in the "warehouse". Well the warehouse was basically just that. A huge building rented by some local punks, er, I mean punks with Mohawks and chains, tattoo's and piercings, not bratty kids. Well, that too Im sure. It was a common place to party for pretty much every friend I had and then a load I hadnt met yet. A normal keg or everclear party probably had around 100 kids or so partying, a live band playing, moshing, breaking shit.... ya whatever kids are doing that they arent supposed to be doing. Thats what we did there. From poverty level to upper class kids there always. Punk kids though. I dont know if you have had the occasion to party with any punks. No, we didnt really live during Sid and Nancy days, but they were serious about their lifestyle and music. I still know a lot of them, they might have kids and wives now, but you can bet they still listen to that old hardcore punk shit we loved so much then, blackflag types.

I remember an Everclear party pretty well one night because it pretty much turned into a riot with me and some guy rolling down the loading ramp of the warehouse trying to kill each other. Haha, Ill never forget the look on that guys face when we got to the bottom of that ramp and he looked at my face and realized I was a girl. He was so embarrassed and apologetic, I wasnt. I had jumped onto his back because him and half of those white supremacist type punks were banking this guy. When I seen the bullshit start I had looked over and seen two guys fighting, and as quick as I could get over there, about 20 other people had piled up and was beating this guy down. One of the only two black guys there of course, Sugar Ray.

I didnt know Sugar Ray at all before that night. And I didnt spend much time talking to him before this shit erupted. But I did notice that him and Juan, another one of the gang and the only person not in our little clique that wasnt white in some form or another, were the only guys there not white or asian. I even remember specifically telling myself if any shit got started I was in it and on my own side. The side of what was right. If those two guys had the balls to trust 98 white fucking supremacist little bastards, then no one was fucking with either of them in front of me. Period. One of those point blank moments. Yep, Id die for that cause. My own friends would have to kill me to make me sit and watch someone be treated unfairly just BECAUSE _____. Who gives a fuck. Your opinion of a persons race, religion, life style, color or beliefs does not fucking matter in the big picture. After all, just who are you again? Exactly. So as Sugar Ray went down to the battering of the one guy, and then the other guys piled on, Juan took off, and so did I.

I specifically remember running up to the pile of fighting bodies right next to Juan and pulling a body off the pile and flinging it. The second body I grabbed out of the pile was heavy as hell lol. He was probably about 5 foot 6 to my 5 foot 3. And around 220 lbs to my then about 130. In flinging him he grabbed me and just as I turned to punch him in his fat supreme face we hit the concrete. We landed on the ramp and rolled down the whole thing all the way to the bottom. As soon as we got to the bottom we both jumped up with fist up and ready. He looked at me for the first time. (Its hard to get a good look at someone rolling at 45 degrees down an embankment with your fist planted in their face) And like... burst into some kind of fit, tears, guilt, sooo sorry he didnt know I was a chick when I grabbed him, and besides, I was so little how did I even manage that?? "Anger" And then sorry for that, he didnt know what came over him but such and such guy was his friend and he seen him in the pile so he jumped in etc etc blah BLAH. By this time the fight had been broke up and people were actually standing around me, my friends were showing up and scaring the literal fuck out of this guy. I guess he thought all those guys with green hair and mohawks raking the rafters were going to do something. All they were doing was the same thing I was doing, feeling disgust and annoyance at the situation.

I remember looking around while he was still babbling at me, no idea what his name ever was that big guy I rolled down the ramp with, but I was looking for someone. Sugar Ray. He was still here, standing back up near where they rolled him. I walked away from babbleguy and straight up to Sugar Ray. It was ultra rare for me in my life then to be the first to speak, the be the one to take the time, but I took it then. I told him I was sorry for what they did to him. I told him what I had thought about a minute or two before that shit got started. That if he had the balls to be here, then no one here had the right to try and change that. I believe I asked him not to leave, or at least that minute, while people were watching him and wanting him to. I remember him grabbing me and giving me a hug and us laughing about something while all my friends, all those strangers just watched. I guess most people dont see other people like I do. Perhaps I do have some sense or extra gift but in all honesty and before the loss of any friends or much tragedy had touched my life I always knew. I always recognized "special" people. Those who were different. Thought outside of the box. And I always knew that those who didnt fall to or follow organization or order were the ones to pay attention to. The brainwashed are on their own.

Knowing all of this, knowing how special Steve was too. Knowing that even Billy was special to those who loved him, I learned a lot of hardcore lessons within Steves death that ugly May. Im sure things still touch me because I learned to remove the faceless clutter from pain. That night in May 3 guys died, my friend Steve was one of them. But they all had faces. I know I should have learned a bit about Geoffrey too. I believe thats how his name was spelled. Geoff Pelton. Georges son. George does commercials on local T.V. here now about the accident. How "his son" died because of a drunk driver. True enough. But so did my friend. And Sugar Ray lived. What about him? That commercial. I still see it often. He does new ones etc. Makes Steve faceless and I hate that. I loath it. Maybe Ill get the chance to let Mr. Pelton know one day. I understand his pain no doubt. But I never stole the faces and identities of those boys in the other car.

"Nothing seems to break me,
No matter how hard I fall. Nothing can break me at all.
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know"