Saturday, October 27, 2007

I am

No longer will I accept being treated like a low life. No longer will I linger around while you sit anywhere as you are judging me as I am.

Everything about you is hypocrasy. You are not what you claim to be, and you are what you claim you are not. Maybe what you lack is fortitude. If so, I am finding that I can not just give my love to someone who is not even willing to stand up for what THEY believe in, much less support me or protect me in any of my beliefs. I am finding that when I look so deeply into another persons life that I tend to view from a very careful distance their soul as well. Not only do you hide everything about yourself and refuse to share in any moments but your misery, but you also stand at length from me when I bare my soul, or try to give you moments that I do believe in. Defending you, caring for you, caring about seeing that you are taken care of. None of those things that I put little pieces of my soul into seem to matter to you at all. I do not think I am the type of person who can accept that. I have never been anything but straight-forward to you regardless of your accusations or your lack of foresight into the relationship. There is a weakness of character in you that I do not accept nor will I pretend that it is okay with me. Not for you, not for anyone. I seriously would die for my beliefs if driven. You seriously have nothing set in stone for yourself. You proclaim yourself strongly but display yourself arrogantly. There is nothing good or honorable in that in my opinion and I do not think that my mother and father raised me to be so quickly willing to give up on that in people that I want surrounding me, people I want to spend my life with. I am finding that the thought of the loss of that which I consider to be a weakness of spirit, a hollowness of soul, no longer seems a good idea to share my life with, my heart or love or soul. It only creates a burden for me to have to choose between what I believe in or what I love. You would accuse me of being the type of person to use, abuse and take advantage of. You would call me the weak one, but even as I say the following things I know you already know it is true of me, my spirit and my soul while it does not describe one single piece of your character. I am not so afraid to be alone in this world that I would continue to accept spinelessly something unjust or evil done to me or anyone I love without taking a stand, fighting for what I believe in. I am not so in love with my freedom that I would not fight and die, or rot in a prison life term, if I had to kill to protect those I love. My children, my love, my being. I am not so in love with my body that I would not give a life saving organ, take their pain unto myself, carry their burdens if it meant a physical loss or vanity of mine in trade to someone who loved me unconditionally and with honor.

A strong person goes through pain, trauma, and the evil of this world with an empathetic eye. They see the wrongs done to others, they feel their pain, and they refuse to accept the behavior. They refuse to allow it into their lives to spread the evil to others. A weak character sees those same things, and exploits the weaknesses of the strong. Hundreds of beautiful kingdoms have fallen all over history because of just this evil lurking that is your soul, and the souls of all others like you, is pushed upon the souls of others.
You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand? Without those who stand and fight, we would all be in apocolyptic peril. Our souls lost long ago. Do you see me running or fighting it? Exactly, and I will fight it until it kills me, or dies itself. Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths. I will not apologize for mine. Not at the cost of my life or soul. Ever.

In order to BE this, as this is how I am, I have to either have someone who I can share that with, build that with, and live that with, or I can share nothing at all. I refuse to give of myself what is denied me, dangled before me, or forbidden me because of something in your heart or soul, or something lacking therein. I respect those who show me respect. I honor those who honor me. I give affection to those who give it to me. But along the way should ANY of those people whom I love and honor decide to do something that I can NOT respect, honor or love. Then I shall have to turn a cold heart to that which warms me in order to save myself from things that sicken or weaken my soul. As I can not be someone with the weaknesses my soul can not align, then I can not share any other important parts of my being with them. To do so would make me lesser. To do so would sell my soul. To do so would indeed make me the low life you accuse me of.

Do not preach to my clean spirit your dirt, your evil and your lack of character as no matter how much you do so, you can not make me like you. You can not make me accept things that I reject. You can not make me something I am not. I will not give up my integrity. So now you can understand why life will be as it will be, as something as simple it boils down to is good and evil. Light and Dark. Clean or soiled. If you allow the weaknesses of others to blacken your soul, so be it. Mine will always stand stronger and above those who give in so easily. And never can I show acceptance of any who are lesser. Not even if that should be you.


Kuan said...

Wow Joy, I am moved powerfully by your words and I am touched deep within my soul.
This is whay I honor you, this is why I love you, this is why I fear for you.

The strength that we endure is wordless and the apologies we make for that endless.

I cannot stand and fight for those unwilling to stand beside me either I cannot honor those who do not honor self.

Your words are profound as always and as always I am moved.

I miss you and I hold you in my heart now and always.


Azathoth100 said...

Just in case I haven't told you recently Joy, you so kick total ass. Be strong, as always, and if the time has come to leave, walk with your head high.

Joy said...

Thanks u 2

That there was one o those things that came screaming out of my chest and I had to write it down or say it outloud to someone who would listen.

Ill have to read it now to see if it was any good lol, it felt real good

Azathoth100 said...

Sometimes it's good to just vent, and we're always here to listen if you need us. Life is hard, and it's nice to know there are those who will stand by you when it all hits the fan. After, all, thats why we're friends.

Anyways, I'm always interested if you need to scream about your chest. (heh, jk).

That eq cyber guy said...

You amaze me.

ddubfan said...

you are so amazing. this post was just WOW. i know it's from a few years ago, but i'm so glad you shared it!