Put your pants on

A good story from my childhood that I will never forget.

I was about 13 at the time, my best friend Cat was all but living with me during this time. It was great really. My parents who never really LET me do much, would let her stay quite often. One night REAL late at night Cat and I were 'partying' out in front of my house with my other friends and I had carried the portable phone with me. I was 14... so 1988, that 'portable' phone piece probably weighed at least 2 lbs back then. But I was standing there being an unruly teenager with my friends when it rang. Now you have to understand, my parents, they never did shit wrong. Hell, from what I gathered from them growing up they were born, morphed immedately into adults and began working 50 to 80 hour work weeks to support themselves. So doing anything remotely out of line or off, was just out of the question. The phone rang.


Hello?
This is the Roanoke County Police Department, may I speak to Mrs. Basham?
Uh, shes not home right now. I am Mrs. Bashams daughter. Anything I can help with?
(Im pretty freaked out at this time, freaked out enough I had to hold the phone down and tell my partying friends)
OMG SHHH Its the COPS. STFU
The cop replies, Oh Miss, how old are you?
Im 13, is everything ok? Is this about my Dad?? Is he okay???
Umm, okay sure, yeah he is okay. Do me a favor, can you find someone who can come pick him up?
Pick him up??
Yes, we uh, we have him behind the old DMV building. Tell the person who comes to pick him up to bring a pair of pants, he isnt wearing any.
He isnt wearing pants?
No, no pants.
Uh, jesus, okay.

*click*

Okay so here is where Fate intervenes and Kismet gets to meet my Dad face to face. I am standing there with my friends going omfg, who can I get to pick up my dad that wont narc him out to my mom. That leaves both of my sisters out. Hmm, I dont know any of his work friends numbers. So HRM, well that leaves one person. M, m is my sisters husband who had just declared a few months before this incident that he was gay and thus making himself the target of my fathers judgemental wrath.

Hey
Joy? Is that you? Whats going on? Is everything ok?
(M sounds concerned because well, Ive never actually called to talk to him)
Do you need to talk to C? Shes not here right now.
No, I need your help, not C, dont tell C no matter what. I need you to come by here and get a pair of pants and take them to behind the DMV on Peters Creek Road and pick up Daddy.
Pick up Don? Pants? Why would I need pants? Ive got pants on.
He doesnt have pants on.
Don isnt wearing pants? Why did he go out without wearing pants?
When I last seen him, he had pants on. We are talking about Daddy, he wouldnt run outside during the apocolypse without pants on.
Yeah okay thats probably true.
Look I dont know wtf is going on M just come get the pants and go get Daddy before Momma gets home. I dont even know where she went. Church I think.
Okay okay, Im on my way. Hes probably not going to like it that I picked him up.
Not right now he wont but tomorrow he will be greatful.

So M comes and gets the pants and picks up Dad, who is given a police escort home. (Good lord this is 1988 not 1958 and hes wasted drunk getting an escort home instead of a DUI)
And Im thinking wow, that must have been hard for him. Sitting there drunk, wondering where his pants were, only to see my gay brother-in-law show up to pick him up. Yes, my father is the stereotypical male, if there is a gay man anywhere near him of COURSE the guy has to want him. So Im quite sure my dad is near to enraged when he sees M show up. Kismet, I want you to meet my Dad Don, Don, I'd like you to meet Kismet. In the next few years you two are going to be VERY close friends.

So out in the street Cat and I wait for the police and M to come up the road and when we see them coming we immedately dart across the street and run into the living room. Where sure as hell, here comes my dad marching through the Dining room, carrying his pants (I guess he didnt want to put them on?) wearing his tighty whiteys and Cat and I just let our jaws hit the floor. Oh we both wanted to laugh, but we were as silent as mice. As he is walking by he extends his arm so that his finger is REALLY close to my face and growls out "You! Go the hell home." And he walked on by and almost immediately, before I had even recovered enough to move an inch, I can hear him snoring away.

I looked over at Cat, she looked at me and we are torn between snickering right on the spot or running outside to tell our friends what happened, when an idea struck me.

"Lets steal his beer" I said.
"Okay" she said
"Probably he wont even remember he had beer right?"
"Probably not"

He did remember by the way.