Thursday, February 26, 2009

Broken Hearted Savior

Sometimes, a random song will just pop into my head. One I likely havent heard for years, sometimes one Ive only heard a couple of times before. Usually I know right away why. This one came to me a few months back, maybe even up to a year ago. And I downloaded it, played it and loved it. I just didnt really understand its place in my life. (pretty much every song could have a place in my life at some point) But it took me a while to figure out where it really was.

Now that I know I can honestly just say that I truly miss my Momma. The worst feeling I ever had in my life was visiting with her just after getting out of Roanoke City. And I felt like I could see it in her eyes once, and then the rest of the time I just got the 'sense' that she was scared. I wasnt projecting it onto her and I knew this because I didnt go in there with any preconceived notions. But once I stood by her bed, brushed her hair and talked to her a bit, I just felt this silently grasping fear. And then I knew real fear. I suppose its not even strange to see now that although I never embraced my mothers particular brand of faith. Just her having faith gave it to me be default. I laugh back at the days where I thought I was an atheist. Never once did I look around at all before me and think, this just happened by accident. I know I have some pretty odd sounding ideas of what might be the truth, but without going into them Id just have to say that science and religion probably both have it about half right, and the truth lay somewhere definite and between them.

"Fields are white in snowy spring and I can't
Remember the last time I've seen her.
The highway is still cold and wet and I can't
Forget the way I had to leave her.
And every passing day, she flickers and she fades.
Is someone to catch her when she falls from the heavens?"

I lost a huge chunk of faith that I know will eventually work its way back to me. But I no longer believe that I have infinite time. I know that no matter what I believe now, today, tomorrow will never matter in the moment.

The truth light that came out of this is that I am still convinced there is something, a lot past where we are in this lifetime. Its a lump I still swallow hard over but I believe my Momma went to her heaven. Because I don't think that spirituality is as much of an idea as it is a faith in the unknown. I think she got somewhere where she wanted to be. I think we are all on a journey here, not at the end of one.

Finally feeling good about life again a little bit, much of the things that brought me down before are now non-existent in my life, and with any good luck at all, they will stay that way. While also remembering the good that I lost last year, I can definitely say that the one loss put the other minuscule ones in check. I have a lot to be thankful for. And every piece of last year taught me that. I am now going to enjoy what I have left to with the only people that matter in my life.


Kuan said...

Well said Joy... well said.

I miss my Momma too and even though it has been a few years now that her light has left my life, I still have days when I just wish she was here with me to share my journey.
Perhaps my Mom and your Mom are chillen together watching over us wherever they may be.
Like you I too lost a good deal of my "faith" that day but slowly it is coming back to me and one day soon I know I will be in a place of harmony.

Love ya

Azathoth100 said...

Stopping by the old stommping grounds to wish you a very happy Mom's Day. Hope all is well with you little Joy.