Sunday, October 23, 2005

There is nothing to fear but...

realizing that the people you went to school with are now in control of the U.S.A.

I always think whenever I get on a plane that the people who are fueling the plane, fixing the engines and basically running the world now are the same goofy fuckers that walked around highschool with their flys down and toilet paper hanging off their feet. You may have seen these before but they are hilarious, and scary at the same time. These are reported Air Force 'Squawks'. These are the things that get reported and the solutions to the problems. Reading these just makes me wonder what might be going on in other places.

(P) Problem reported
(S) Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Suspected crack in windshield.
(S) Suspect you're right.

(P) Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
(S) Took hammer away from midget

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

jesus christ...

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