Wednesday, August 04, 2004

What was in the cards?

A brief note on those cards that I used to read to Steve that night. The next morning when I got home I put them immediately into a "treasure chest" that I had since I was a kid. It actually is shaped and looks like a generic old pirate chest and its where I kept mementos of things. Life and death, good and bad. I tucked those cards in there and never touched them. About 2 years after Steve died I bought a new box with an ancient Egyptian type lock on it. I dumped the contents of that pirate chest into the new Egyptian lock box. I quickly locked the little latch key, twisted my key into it to drive it shut, and didnt once open it again.... until last week.

"And Id give up forever to touch you,
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow."

Last week I took a pair of wirecutters and cut the lock off. I immediately regretted damaging the lock and felt more then a bit of guilt about removing the cards just to stare at them. My hands had not touched those cards since that night. This self enforced therapy is a real bitch you know. But something had to be done. There are a couple of things I would like to do with my life but I cant do anything for or with myself until I can let these guys go. It sounds heartless to my own ears...

"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I dont want to go home right now."

The mourning has to go. Theres nothing to feel sorry for here. I am not trying to feel sorry. I am trying to do what I promised to so many that I would do. Remember. How could I not? Taking advantage of what you have is a tragic to me now. Its something I will always be careful not to do now. Any friend of mine is going to have to be willing to hear the good, and the bad about themselves if they are around me for long.

"All I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later its over..
I just dont want to miss you tonight"

Ive missed them as much as it is possible to. The best lessons I've learned in life, I learned in their deaths. I dont get where this is a good lesson. What am I supposed to do with it? Who do I teach?

"And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

How easily we forget the lessons we are taught. I will never forget. My lesson goes on everyday. When I drag myself out of bed knowing what I know. Seeing what I have seen. Doing what I have done. So in Steves death I learned to appreciate friends. Then I made a good one. Ben. So I tried those lessons out. I did what I could to let him know how I felt. How things were, how I would be. And I succeeded. I succeeded as someone trying out something new would. But I did it. So then take him too?

"And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive"

I dont think there is anything left to learn from this anymore. I know what pain is. I know what loneliness is. Not the imagined kind. Not the kind where you sit alone. The kind where the whole world is churning and spinning in your face and you cant see a thing. I learned to appreciate. I learned to unlock my tongue and teach it to others.

"And I don’t want the world to see me
’cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

Maybe I was scared when I read those cards, because it wasnt Steves cards I was reading. What had he to fear? He was going to be gone. Dying is truly the easy part. I know its hard to hear, even harder to deal with when you lose someone you love. But always remember that its those left behind who suffer. The dead suffer not the living. It was my life in those cards, it was my worst fears. When I think back to that moment, and remember that crazy smile on his face, its almost as if he was leaving me a message to be heard at a later date.

I listened to that message last week when I opened that box.

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