Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Why I let Steve die

This will be a very hard part to write. I know deep inside that I could have done one very simple thing the night Steve died that would have saved his life. But I didnt. I walked away from him, waved at him while he sat in the window of the second floor of a chicks place we were staying at, and got in Cathys car.

"Are you sure you arent going anywhere?" I remember specifically asking.
"Nope, just gonna hang out here" I also remember.

But thats the end of the story, the beginning is a far better picture.

3 comments:

JustJess said...

why hold yourself responsible?

i know that, sometimes, it can be easier to digest, when we think the pain is our fault, like somehow, we did it...because then, to some extent, we feel in control of that pain...but you know what...

without even knowing you, i know this;

you didn't let him die...

ok, sorry, i'll now stop sticking my nose where it doesnt belong...

Joy said...

Dont feel like you are invading something. I put this on the net knowing full well that people might see it and say something. I appreciate any comments you want to make. Truly. Its always easier to see from the outside looking in.

I just felt that because him and I had been together nearly every day for months and months, and then that one night... I left, and he died. I guess I know I didnt let him die, but it feels like it.

He trusted me so much I guess, that in my heart I felt like that meant I was supposed to protect him from that jerk that got him killed. I guess it goes back to feeling like there is a lesson in all this... I thought I learned that lesson with Steves death, and then Ben happened. So apparently I didnt learn enough. So instead of yelling why me??? I figured it was best to try to sort it out, lay it out, and find out what I might have missed. Does that make sense?

Thank you for all your comments Jess. It does help. Im a debater at heart I guess. The more I roll it around the more I can see.

JustJess said...

and that makes perfect sense, my dear...i guess im like that too...i like to sound things out over and over, when i do that, the waters run clear for me...and things usually make sense...or perhaps im just so neurotic that i cant help but mull over things until i talk myself into thinking things finally make sense...

its been a lesson for me lately..trying to let the knots untie themselves, as oppposed to just cutting the hell out of the knot....right?

;-)

this is a great outlet no doubt....