I found a poem that I wrote in pieces about the death of Robbie. It seems to me, reading it now, that I felt even then the deathmarch wasnt over yet. During this time I wrote this were those many long nights Steve and I sat in his car in front of my house. The words are a bit more then haunting now that I look back. I had no one at this time who was closer to me then Steve....
Into the dead of night I seek,
The lost soul I am destined to greet.
And if all thoughts were ever known,
Heart so hard it hardly shone.
Words may come and thoughts may go,
And in your heart you'll never know,
Who may stay and who may go,
Why do I feel that I may know?
It will be he who never knows,
The love my heart will someday show.
My faith in him will never roam,
From his warm soul, Ill call my own.
Just under 2 months before Steve died that I wrote that last part. Maybe Ive figured out a small part of why his death was so hard on me. It seems like to me, that in my heart Steve would have been a friend forever. I never really thought it would be more, but my own words seem to indicate that I did. Maybe it was my soul speaking. Perhaps again, this was my "great love", and my heart knew it even when my head didnt. Maybe this explains some of the confusion in my own heart over the loss. I dont even know... sighz.