Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Maybe I knew...

I found a poem that I wrote in pieces about the death of Robbie. It seems to me, reading it now, that I felt even then the deathmarch wasnt over yet. During this time I wrote this were those many long nights Steve and I sat in his car in front of my house. The words are a bit more then haunting now that I look back. I had no one at this time who was closer to me then Steve....


1-26-93

Into the dead of night I seek,
The lost soul I am destined to greet.
And if all thoughts were ever known,
Heart so hard it hardly shone.

4-11-93

Words may come and thoughts may go,
And in your heart you'll never know,
Who may stay and who may go,
Why do I feel that I may know?

It will be he who never knows,
The love my heart will someday show.
My faith in him will never roam,
From his warm soul, Ill call my own.


Just under 2 months before Steve died that I wrote that last part. Maybe Ive figured out a small part of why his death was so hard on me. It seems like to me, that in my heart Steve would have been a friend forever. I never really thought it would be more, but my own words seem to indicate that I did. Maybe it was my soul speaking. Perhaps again, this was my "great love", and my heart knew it even when my head didnt. Maybe this explains some of the confusion in my own heart over the loss. I dont even know... sighz.

2 comments:

Dan said...

I Realllly don't have any reassuring words. I'm not any good at that.

It's going to sound like bullshit, and it even sounds better in my head, so here it goes. There will always be that one person just out of reach. I've found my one person, and it looks like this one person is going to remain a friend. Yeah, i'm young and certainly foolish, but i have some concept on what love is.

And then reality comes back. It's not a bad thing, i can smile about it, and continue being her friend. Lol of course it seems depressing, but i spent several months on that shit and much more past that being depressed. Fuck that.

After so long of deep, dark thoughts, i can think of the same things and find the lighter side. So what if i can't be with her, i can still be her friend. Thats certainly better than nothing. One hell of a lot better than nothing. So what if i might end up old and alone, i've lived my life, and the least i can do is smile about it.

What i'm getting at Joy, is we all have our times of deep thought, and you certainly have been through a lot. Theres no doubt it adds to the mental burden of what ifs. Lol as above, young and foolish is all i am, maybe even a bit dumb, it works for me, but after that shit i've gone through lately, i can't help but see the lighter side of things. I'm not trying to make light the horrible tragedies that occur, just think of the good things before what happened.

I'm not good with words, being quiet is what i do best, and thats what i'll do now :)

Joy said...

You are right Dan but there is something that you may not have considered. I want to remind you about the song I sent to you a while back... the one by Chris Cornell called Seasons. I know there will always be that one person out of reach, maybe even more then one in my lifetime... But never had I imagined that they would be jerked from my grasp, two times now, and never to be seen or heard from again. There is a ligher side. Ive found that side after years and years of anger and pain. The ligher side is that I had the honor of knowing these guys, really knowing them. They trusted me like no other, and shared their souls with me. Those souls are now gone, at rest, forever in a sense.... my forever. The only place their souls rest for me, is in my own heart. Its because of those thoughts that I want you to consider what these words mean to someone like me, and I hope they never hold the same meaning for you.

"The dreams have been the answer, the dreams have never made my bed."

Though Steve and Ben were dreams in themselves to me by now... dreams, truly honest friends who came and went.. just to be left with dreams, good ones, but dreams nonetheless.

"When I want a fly out from the storm, but you cant put feathers in the rain.
And the naked floor is cold as hell...
The naked floor reminds me....."

I want to get away from hurting for the loss of them, the storm, but see, the naked floor, the naked truth, the empty spot in my heart where those guys memories lay... it reminds me. Its like trying to forget you were shot in the face when you have to look in the mirror everyday and see the scar. Its quite impossible, and it doesnt matter what anyone says, time does not heal all wounds. The only thing I can do is attempt to fill that space with other things, and I cant do that until I flush out all the anger and grief of the past... thats what this blog is for. You cant put feathers in the rain. If you do they will wilt and become useless. I cant put my heart out there for just anyone to use in in the name of friendship. Look how long it took me to call you a friend. Look how very few people I use that word to describe. Thats my way of keeping those feathers dry. Someone gave me that song about a year after Steve died. It honestly bores into my own soul and makes me realize some ugly things and some beautiful ones. The song itself is beautiful, and seems to honor something or someone, that doesnt deserve to be forgotten.


Southern nights and long warm days
Started as the old moon falls
And the mirror shows another face
Another place to hide it all.

And Im lost, behind.
The words Ill never find
And Im left, behind.
As the seasons roll on by.

Sleeping with a full moon blanket
Seven feathers for my head
The dreams have never been the answer
The dreams have never made my bed.

And Im lost, behind.
The words Ill never find
And Im left, behind.
As the seasons roll on by.

When I want to fly out from the storm
But you cant put feathers in the rain
And the naked floor is cold as hell
And the naked floor reminds me...

That Im lost, behind.
The words Ill never find
And Im left, behind.
As the seasons roll on by.

If I should be short on words and have a lot of things to say
Could you crawl into my world, and take my woes away
Should I be beside myself, then Id not even stay.

And Im lost behind.
The words Ill never find
And Im left, behind.
As the seasons roll on by.



I know sounding lost sounds sad, but it reminds me of what I have to look forward to. I am lost, I was left behind, but that wont be forever. I know if I ever make to an old age, Ill be thinking, dreaming even, of seeing these incredible guys again. Oddly, I even find comfort in the candle box words that remind me of how true those friendships were.

Cover me, when I walk alone. When the day comes for me to see them again. I know they will cover me as I walk alone towards them. Perhaps that makes little sense to you or anyone, but it makes my whole world keep revolving when I begged it to stop long ago.