So today I am trying to talk to Dan on IM. And he is calling me random names and just generally making it seem like Im talking to some jaded old 90 year old man.... and I have an epiphany. Yep, I said that word. Thats it right? Ok so the great thought came to me all the sudden.
I've always been a master at hiding real feelings. I never really set out to intentionally deceive or mislead, but in self protection of course I do hide things. I'd say Im damned near expert at it. Ive had that tossed at me as an insult more then once but Im not entirely sure it is. I can be insanely angry, and sit quietly for hours grinding my teeth perhaps, but without comment. I can be morbidly depressed and still smile and make small talk at work, to Michael, whoever calls me at home. I can smile at corporate leadership while they calmly make plans to do things that will eliminate my job... and still work with them for another year :p... and hell, I can even nearly force myself to believe I feel nothing when I feel just the opposite.
But Ive realized today, the one thing you cant hide is happiness. The kind where you truly get one good moment in time to not give a fuck. Ok, maybe that sounds bad but I dont see it that way. I simply mean that nothing touches you, you feel above it all. Above the usual things that would bring you down, and then some. Then I realized I lived under this cloud of fear and control for so long, that it must look INSANE to someone who sees me often but doesnt really know whats going on with me.
My Dad Bob this weekend when I went over there with a few friends... said all loudly of course, that he hadnt seen me this happy in a long time. Ok, sure I was a bit tipsy, but I did feel good.
Ok but this has to be wrong. Well it is, Im not divorced yet and I certainly act as if I am. But having seen friends drop off the face of the earth nearly before my eyes, I just cant bring myself to live in misery of another persons problems or even a knot Ive tied myself into.
How sad though too at the same time you know? If you suddenly today, started laughing a lot, smiling more then usual, not letting the little things get to you, enjoyed everything, and rubbed your feelings off on other people, on purpose... even seemed to sleep less and take more time with your appearance.... wouldnt someone in your life notice? Ask you what was new or what had ya so happy?