I just had the worse conversation in the world. I told my mom this week that I was going to talk to Michael, my son, about what kind of man his father really was. I didnt want to. The man was a monster to me. Hit me when I was pregnant. Chased me down with his car when Michael was 8 months old, and in my arms. I had to run and practically throw the baby at a friend to save his life, and his father ran over me right after that. I know he would have, baby or not in arms.
Michael told my neice a couple of weeks ago, "At least my dad never kicked me out of his house." Just to hurt her. I was enraged then. But I said nothing. I knew it was time to 'burst his bubble' about his father. That man was never a Dad. Today on the phone he told me, "Dont talk to me about him". His Father. I guess I have a small amount of pride here, hes never defended himself to me. I dont think he would have if not on the phone but in my face. I suppose hes getting brave, but brave and ignorant dont mix in my opinion. Ive always been his rock, not the kindest one, but constant and consistent in his life. Hurting for him, because of him. And he defended that monster to me.
I told him everything. Things my own mother didnt even know until this week. I feel horrible. But it seemed so wrong, so damn wrong, to let this child Ive protected from the truth of things so long..... defend this man who never deserved it.
I dont know what to think, I feel I took something from him I can never give back. Youth, innocence, ignorant bliss?
He asked me why I was so mean to him, I told him I loved him, it was because I wasnt mean to him that I had kept these things to myself so long.
All I can hear is his voice saying "I didnt know these things". I told him to put my mom on, told her to go talk to him and tell him I loved him and explain to him thats the only reason I told him those things today.
He is 15 now. I know its time he grow up and beyond the immature person he has been up to now. Hes not an average 15 year old. Ive seen some of his father in him in, the laziness, the unwillingness to be kind to or care for those who love him. But I had no idea how he felt, that he respected this horrible man. The same man that has never bought him one thing, the same one that "loans" his own son video games and tells him not to mess them up. The same guy that threw cans of soup at my face, the same guy who ran over me with his car that night.
I dont know if I did something horribly wrong, or if I finally did what was fair to him. The truth. Sometimes it hurts badly, but I didnt want that truth to hurt him. Its my fault, I picked him, I let that man be the father of my son.
Feels horrible, like I did to him what his own father did to me. Stole his youth. Ripped it from him. None of this is his fault.