Friday, September 03, 2004

Cuts like anguish

I just had the worse conversation in the world. I told my mom this week that I was going to talk to Michael, my son, about what kind of man his father really was. I didnt want to. The man was a monster to me. Hit me when I was pregnant. Chased me down with his car when Michael was 8 months old, and in my arms. I had to run and practically throw the baby at a friend to save his life, and his father ran over me right after that. I know he would have, baby or not in arms.

Michael told my neice a couple of weeks ago, "At least my dad never kicked me out of his house." Just to hurt her. I was enraged then. But I said nothing. I knew it was time to 'burst his bubble' about his father. That man was never a Dad. Today on the phone he told me, "Dont talk to me about him". His Father. I guess I have a small amount of pride here, hes never defended himself to me. I dont think he would have if not on the phone but in my face. I suppose hes getting brave, but brave and ignorant dont mix in my opinion. Ive always been his rock, not the kindest one, but constant and consistent in his life. Hurting for him, because of him. And he defended that monster to me.

I told him everything. Things my own mother didnt even know until this week. I feel horrible. But it seemed so wrong, so damn wrong, to let this child Ive protected from the truth of things so long..... defend this man who never deserved it.

I dont know what to think, I feel I took something from him I can never give back. Youth, innocence, ignorant bliss?

He asked me why I was so mean to him, I told him I loved him, it was because I wasnt mean to him that I had kept these things to myself so long.

All I can hear is his voice saying "I didnt know these things". I told him to put my mom on, told her to go talk to him and tell him I loved him and explain to him thats the only reason I told him those things today.

He is 15 now. I know its time he grow up and beyond the immature person he has been up to now. Hes not an average 15 year old. Ive seen some of his father in him in, the laziness, the unwillingness to be kind to or care for those who love him. But I had no idea how he felt, that he respected this horrible man. The same man that has never bought him one thing, the same one that "loans" his own son video games and tells him not to mess them up. The same guy that threw cans of soup at my face, the same guy who ran over me with his car that night.

I dont know if I did something horribly wrong, or if I finally did what was fair to him. The truth. Sometimes it hurts badly, but I didnt want that truth to hurt him. Its my fault, I picked him, I let that man be the father of my son.

Feels horrible, like I did to him what his own father did to me. Stole his youth. Ripped it from him. None of this is his fault.


Joy said...

Thank you Dan. I needed to hear what you thought about this, from a young persons point of view, so bad. And there you were. I cut the pc on so fast after that convo, and there you were.

If all sons were like you, I know there would be more mothers who suffer less. Your parents did a wonderful job. You are beautiful. Im just wondering what I did so wrong.

You had me laughing in less then 10 minutes. I wonder if your parents know what a gift they have given to the world.

Stepp said...

Damn... I doubt that you have done any irreparable damage or that you did any more than anyone would do. I can sense that you have some passion in you that gets the best of you at times. That can be both good and/or bad.

He already knew what his dad was...I promise you that.

Maybe not the specifics, but he KNEW. It is always hard with parents that are not together, and our children. I believe you take the balance of love and mistakes across time and come out with the answer. Be true, be honest and love them endlessly; they will in the end know who has always been there for them. Thats the best we can do. And so far in my life I have found it to be true.

Michael is not a baby, I have a 14 year old and he is very aware of what is going on. I believe he knows the difference between the easy route and what he needs to do. Just as Michael knows(and knew the truth) about his parents. Give the kids some credit...

In my opinion at 15 boys needs consistent guidance and direction. They understand mistakes and tempers and feelings and passion, they also understand loyalty, love and structure. They crave it.. Though they will never admit it.

I never knew a son or daughter that wouldn't defend the other parent regardless of the situation. They are caught in the middle of a storm, in many cases with no relief.

Nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. It will be alright.

Sleep Well,

Joy said...

Of course.

I guess I didnt stop to think that he would feel like he had to defend him. But I see your point now. His father is not a good "role model" for him and to hear him defend him to me was pretty scary. I thought about it a bit and of course Ive had friends whom I would have defended even though they were some of the ... worst sort of people in the world.

I guess its natural to fear that he will end up like his father. Ive never denied him seeing his father, I hope nothing ever happens that makes me feel like I have to.

You're definately right though, I absolutely let my sometimes overly passionate nature take over when I heard those words.

Im going to work in a couple of hours down in Roanoke, and when I get off I am going to go over there and try to talk to him about it. I expect there will be some resistance and hard feelings for a bit but I hope he will ask me anything that he truly wants to know.

We will see.

Thank you Stepp. Yesterday was a terrible day from start to finish. Im going to make sure that doesnt happen to today.

Dan said...

I do what i can, even if getting hurt happens. No regrets