Monday, September 27, 2004

Help Meh

I still have no idea what I want. I joked with a friend yesterday that women, no matter the age or situation never really figure out 100% what they want. I said it jokingly, but its not a joke to be honest. Im no tittering little girl, I know the difference between lust and love, relationships and acquaintances.

Noithing has ever come close to the satisfaction I achieve when Im near Kt. Yet nothing feels quite so empty as having to walk away, over and over. Last night while laying with Kt I told him he was sweet. He asked me what that was supposed to mean. Lol. Men are freaks. It means hes sweet. Better then me calling you a dick right? was my reply.

While at the Shenendoah yesterday several people entered the bar and came right to me to greet me. The bartender laughed and said "Is there anyone that doesnt know you?" It got me thinking. I suppose there are people who dont know me. I guess those are the lucky ones.

Right now, Id welcome death. Embrace it. Ive done irreversible damage to those who thought it safe to love me. Nothing is safe around me. Nothing.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are not a tittering little girl. You are a tittering little girl. You are both. If you need someone to talk to, I'm around. Don't despair, dear. Everyone is confused, you are not alone. Come see me.

Spikefeather the Great

Dan said...

Don't worry about a thing.

First step to stopping most major dramatic experiances, quit EQ, go cold turkey, it did me a world of good.

Wayne there told me the same. EQ was 99% of my daily life drama that just up and stopped when i stopped too. Yeah, i figured your drama is a little more dramatic than anything i can come up with in my life.

It of course doesn't work for everyone, but just take a deep breath, listen to some good and soft rock (listening to the soundtrack to the OC as of now myself, it doesn't get much better ) and reflect on the good things of the day.

Mine? My good things of the day is waking up, and not having to do a damn thing. Today was pajama day at school, and i went in my monkey sleep pants and a pull over hoody. Next good thing, walking into the hang out (library) in the morning and seeing someone i like to see there (i'll elaborate more). Next, going to work and knowing that my boss likes me working for him better than the work his own son did. Thats one hell of a good feeling, and then getting a little extra money under the table. My last good thing of the day, is talking to my friend Molly, almost daily now, and somehow, down inside, i know i have the courage to ask her to go to homecoming with me. Well, maybe my last thing is getting another friend to feel better.

This is just me Joy, and in this song it says:
it's just a ride, just a ride,
no need to run, no need to hide,
it'll take you all around,
sometimes its up, sometimes its down,
it's just a ride, just a ride,
sometimes your up, sometimes your down,
but don't forget, enjoy the ride.

I've become an opptomist strangely. I take things day by day, and i learn not to expect things of people.
My best fortune cookie says : You will never regret the present you live to its fullest. Thats my mantra

Joy said...

Thank you Wayne and Dan. I really do love you two. You have been there for me so long now, so solid and so much love you have given me I doubt I could ever return it. But today, it makes a big difference. I cant see the trees for the forest right now, but I can see my friends standing in the middle of all of it just being there for me.

Thanks too to George for trying his best to keep me in one piece today. I dont know if you all have a clue how much all this means to me right now. It very well might be all that is keeping me alive.

Love you all

Texas Gurl said...

hey, i know what you're going through with your guy. hang in there, it can only get better, right?! he may seem like such a huge thing in your life right now but this is actually just a small fraction of the time you have. make the best of every day. let go of the hurt, he's not worth it.

Joy said...

You are incredibly right TG. Im just struggling with the fact that somehow in the last 6 months Ive lost my ability to just spit things out that need to be said. I read the part of your blog about letting people go, its 100% right. Thanks for the insight when I truly needed it.