Monday, September 06, 2004

Sweet Sunshower

Just starting to get the edges of the most recent storm system blowing up from Florida.

Not raining hard, woke up to find likely the greatest friend I have at the moment already on his IM. No worries about harrassment today about the house. Im moving to Roanoke again.. wee... and hes going to keep the house so that my dad doesnt have to sell it, and lose everything and then some for doing something kind for me. Guilt a bit but it will fade. Disappointed in myself, starting over at 31. Not bad, 31. I think Ive probably just begun to live in a part of my life I can enjoy. A part that I understand, and agree with. Music means a lot to me, it always has. Thats another one of those things I brought from my childhood. The things that kept me genuine and true to my word.

' i've been sleeping a 1000 years it seems.
i've got to open my eyes to everything'

Still feeling pretty energized. Listening to music. Wishing like hell I had a bit fat bottle of whiskey.. No I wouldnt drink it all, I never do. One fifth of liqour can last me months. Thats how I like it. Ive been thinking about actually being able to live somewhere that I could have my drinks to partake of when I choose. Wow, I can keep Kahlua and Baileys!~~ Mmmm Coffee drinks are the best. I am a good scots/irish girl at heart :p. I thought about all those things I would like to be doing to keep my youth intact, in my heart of course. Concerts with people who arent going to get falling down drunk and cross eyed. Being able to be somewhere relaxed, comfortably, and without worry of having to 'keep my eyes open'.

'Now maybe, I didnt mean to treat you bad.
But I did it anyway.
Some would say your life was sad,
But you lived it anyway'

But I dont feel too bad at the moment. I feel like a surfacing of things. Coming to the top of the lake after being down deep a moment, that fear of not getting a breath giving you a twinge of adrenaline. MMmmmm, thats something I miss. Adrenaline. All those things I want to do, alone or with friends, or with someone special. Caving!! I loved that, I miss it. But not a good place to drink :p! I want to ride more motorcycles, horses, rollar coasters. I want a fast car.

Nice day off from work :)

'She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres a time to change
Seems to return from her stay on the moon,
she listens like spring and she talks like June'

I also figured out the word I use to describe myself when prompted to provide a one 'worder' for myself at interviews, Genuine. Then I decided to tell myself thats what Kt meant when he said 'real woman.' I dont play the head games, never did really. I thought I did in a horrible way, but after a lot of thought, I think a lot of peoples problems with me have lied in the fact that I do not alter myself for a relationship. I do honor, and respect those who deserve it, for whatever reason they do. But I dont become a different person. Im not happy not doing those things I listed up there. And why should someone have to be satisfied with just love? What about your own love of life? The real part of that whole thing is, Id never say no to a mate of mine trying any new experience they dreamed of. To remember what life is all about, the hard working days, the repetative nights, you have to have... the things that keep you going.

Remember, its the weak who suffer the strong, not the other way around. Humble yourself. Remember who you were. Why are you different now? Are you too weak to do what needs to be done, in any situation? Then why havent you?

So what the hell are you thinking when the opportunity presents itself to have that, to be that, without restriction and with respect? Im thinking, er, Im going to need some help on this one for the next few months... Ive already warned a couple people :p

God I love this song. The words are in and out for me today. Not really a good indicator of my current mood, but the heart in it just melts me. It feels, genuine.

'Dark as roses, fine as sand
Feel your healing and your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry

Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections of better days gone by

But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
A feather trail to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
Then into worried nights
But it’s all right

When you’re all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh it’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh it’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
Oh in the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

And it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today'



Haha, wait, I said that didnt describe me? Thats every day of my life I believe :p


5 comments:

Azathoth said...

Just sifting through blogs while bored and came across yours. Starting over at 31 I can relate to. Sounds like your doing it ok so far. Good luck. Remember: the world moves with or without us, it doesn't care who we are so just stay yourself. The world won't mind at all. And if others can't deal, well that's thier tough luck. In the end the only one whos happiness we are responsible for is ourselves. And keep with the music, it's always a great friend. Peace.

Joy said...

Thanks for the comments :)

I know it appears as if I have it together today but thats likely only part true and part fantasy lol. I read your blog a little bit as well, Ill read more later after I clean my house. We seem to have a lot of similar topics. Our friends might also be sharing a gene pool. Or again thats one of those things Im just telling myself too, because they are quite nearly as crazy sounding as mine :p

Stepp said...

You do have it together...

Stepp said...

I CAN NOT HELP MYSELF. I CELEBRATE YOU!!

Joy said...

Haha~~

Now that Ive lived through a few hours of today, I will agree. I did have it together yesterday lol....

Today is an entirely different story so far...

Damn PT JOBS!!!!!!!!!!!