Monday, January 03, 2005

Old & New & Missing you

I want to say at the beginning of this post that I want to let some people know I appreciate their place in my life.

Dal- for gods sake please quit drinking before you kill someone. I stayed with you for so long out of guilt, out of feeling like if I left you, and you drank and drove, or just ended up with a woman not as strong as I, you would kill someone. I dont want someone elses soul weighing on mine. I already have 2 of those. It hurts endlessly. Please change, for you. I will never be a part of your life again. Sadly, someone who has learned the lessons I have learned, can even appreciate the lessons you taught me about trust, marriage and relationships. Not good lessons, but ones I will take with me to my death.
Kt - god hes always there for me right when I need him. And he silently drifts away when he sees I dont need him anymore. Incredible.
Cd - too much, too nice, too scarey, but god it feels good to be near another adult who can conversate.. and he doesnt drink or hit women
Kelley - My sister. Even when shes not around I know shes there for me. I just always know. I love her endlessly.
Azathoth - So much like me. Im more then glad I stumbled upon your blog and hopefully one day I can offer a small piece of what you have given me, in return for all your kindness and thoughtfulness towards me. You are priceless to me.
BM - Great balls on you for sure. You remind me of people who have passed through my life. You remind me of the type of people I want to stop passing by and stay with me a while :). Your poetry just stuns me sometimes. A lot of the time I just read it and I have nothing in comparison to offer in reply to it. Making people speechless is the goal of any good writer.

To the other bloggers who have stopped by to make comments, I appreciate those too. If a bunch of strangers always took the time to stop, and offer advice or friendship or kindness like you all do, then Id feel much better leaving my children in this world when I go. Its on blind faith that I hope my family, friends and the people I love always cross paths with people like you all.

To my missing angels.....January 3rd 2005

That means that Ive been missing you, Steve, for almost 12 years now. I cant even believe that myself. My boy, my running mate, my partner in crime, the first boy I kissed, my best friend. You were, you are, all those things to me. Everytime I think about you I remember the dream, the night you died. I remember the cheshire cat grin you had often. I remember the sneaky shit we used to do. I remember the partying, I remember the laughter, I remember the common ground we stood on with each other. I remember you putting your arm over my shoulders when I was about 12, to walk me to your house in the snow, when I was crying like a baby. I remember your efforts to protect me, though you were the same size as me. I remember all the nights we hung out. I remember all the mornings I woke up freezing in your car, sleeping in the same bucket seat as you. I remember thinking it was a good thing we were both so small or we would have froze to death one of those nights. I remember how you loved your mustang. I remember how you loved your aunt and granny. I remembered how you loved me. I remember that although you were a part of a big family, you were in essence just as I was. Alone.

Now I am alone without you. Now I have gone on 12 more years without a little piece of my heart that I grew so fond of. I remember the ache in my chest the night I learned you died. I still have the guilt fresh on my soul for feeling responsible for your death. I could have kept you here. I remember I learned that night to sacrifice anything, if you love and value someone enough to. But only if they dont ask. Someone who truly loves you wouldnt. You didnt. I remember the lessons I learned about true friends, and what they will do for you or with you, just when you need it the most. I remember always, that when shit gets hard on me, that nothing was as hard on me as the night you died. Nothing gets worse then that. Even if I knew I would die tomorrow, it wouldnt hurt as that night did, that year, these 12 have.

Never in my life did I dream anyone could or would come close to replacing you in my heart and soul. Then I met Ben. About 6 or 7 years after you left me. He was worth the risk. I called him my friend, and he called me his. He was my friend for over 5 years. I remembered the loss of you Steve, and I appreciated him that much more for it. I remembered the worst part was never having actually said I love you, though I know you knew I loved you. I made sure I told him I did. I did it all right. I appreciated, I loved, and I sacrificed. And Ben, my angel, he sacrificed for me too. All those times he drove me home and dared Doug to hit me in front of him. He would have beat his ass. Doug wouldnt have ever fucked with me with Ben around. One call and Ben would have been at my house so fast beating Doug like the dog he was, and I knew it. So did Doug. He always accused us of sleeping together. Right up until Amanda called my house and told me you had died. I thought she was lying. I was sick inside. All that pain, all that lonliness... it all came flooding back. I denied it to myself. I screamed. I remember the screaming like it was yesterday. The screaming brought Doug running from his bedroom because of course, as usual, I slept on the couch and thats where I was when Amanda called at 8am or so to tell me you were gone. He held me while I cried. He knew you were gone, he knew you had taken an important part of my heart with you. Im sure it scared the hell out of him. Good. The pain was blinding, harsh and cold. Deep inside, I felt dead. I wanted to be. The funeral was horrible. You were cremated just like we talked about wanting to be so many times. But then, there was no where to go to honor you. I used to visit Steves grave. Before you died. Then I realized that he wasnt there. You werent there. The only place I could honor you both, was in my heart.

And here I sit. Trying to do so, pouring out my soul in font because there is no one to share this with. There is no one I hate enough to burden with the pain I feel for the loss of you both. To this day, when someone is nice to me, as you both were, I feel that aching loss for a quick moment. I feel alone although I know at least one of you has watched out for me over the years. I should have joined you long ago.

Ok so the lessons I learned. Appreciate the little things. Say so. Act so. Dont hurt or lie or scam the people you really care for. They might not be here tomorrow. Nothing hurts worse or longer then guilt. Take care of your friends, your family. Protect yourself enough to keep yourself alive and sane, but rely on someone worth your time to protect your heart from the worst the world has to give. You cant do it alone. No matter what you think. Even if you really believe you can, you dont want to. Quit wasting time. You dont really have that much. You might only have a minute, an hour, a day, a year. Do you want to risk it? Do you want the last moments of your life spent in regret for what you should have done, said, or been? I dont.

I love you Steven Gregory Kinzie. I loved you enough to name my son after you. He has your calm demenor. He has your sweetness. He was born a year to the day you died. In my heart and soul, I hope a little piece of you is in him. Nothing could make me more proud.

I love you Benjamin Royden Campbell. Thats all I can say to you. I know you heard it before. But I cant bring myself to type out any more of the reasons why I should have loved you like I did. I only know I did, I did the right thing. I told you, I appreciated, and I still lost you. The Lord works in mysterious ways... bullshit.

To this day whenever I get close to someone, I fear that my closeness to them might cause their death. I know, its terribly stupid. But for the life of me, I cant figure out why you were both drug through my sorry ass life, to protect me, to love me, then to die on me. I doubt I will ever get over that feeling. I dont even care to. It reminds me to appreciate the people who are worth it, right now. And not to wait one single second to tell someone how I feel about them.

I am a better person for the deaths of my two best friends. Id rather be the same old piece of shit Joy though, if I could have you back, for even just a minute. Someone stole my angels. And most days, I cant wait to get back to them. I do not fear death because of them. I know that no matter what, when I die.... I will have two beautiful angels to walk me home, arm over my shoulders, protecting me from all that I fear. Or showing me why I shouldnt fear anything as long as I have them by my side.

I can almost feel you both smiling at me for the decisions Ive made recently in my life. I have a sad sort of peace today. Sad because you two are giving it to me, and I cant return it, not yet. And peace because I feel your approval. I feel whole for a minute. I feel that in writing this, you have heard me. That you know I still love you, honor you and remember you daily.

This year I quit wasting time.

3 comments:

BM, The Necessary Movement said...

Goddamn you're a sweetie!!! I am flatterd!!!
Happy new year to you!!

Lots of Hugs and Kisses!! : )

Azathoth said...

Thank you for the kind words on both your blog and mine. Anything I can every do to help with life's little stubling blocks let me know.
I understand about the lose of those who are close. Keep them in your heart and they will always be close. Peace to you my little Joy.
Sometimes we find friends in the least likley places...

Bookend said...

Wow, this post brought tears to my eyes...I could feel your pain...and your peace...

Here's to no more wasting time...