Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Patience plays the role of Virtue

Last night we slept on the couch. We watched the Auburn/Tech game right up until the beginning of the 3rd quarter just sitting next to each other. We got comfy together on the couch a bit and immediately fell asleep. Figures :p Damn am I that old? Falling asleep on .. dates? Anyway. So as the night wore on we ended up sleeping on the couch. Ripping off cushions here and there to get more comfortable. And just basically had a restless sleep. Im sure there was a couple reasons for the sleeplessness. There was for me. Ahh ok, so this is what taking it slow is.

So today I was headed out to grab up some ground hog time at work, about an hour before I planned on catching a ride with Cd up to the house to get a couple of things. And I feel peaceful for some reason. So I feel like its time to confront the issue. I did the "give me a sign" thing in my head. Give me a sign that the direction I am heading is the right one. I feel for once, all at once, that someone is with me. Comforting, lifting me up. I feel amazingly light in my truck seat. Right before I jumped in the truck I was playing the song Soul to squeeze by RHCP on my computer. The second I thought about wanting a sign, the second I got that light airy feeling. Subconsciously I reached for the radio. Subconsciously I hit The Bear. 97.3 on my dial even though the channel I usually listen to was up and playing a song I also enjoyed. And there was the song. Soul to squeeze. In the very first beat of the song I knew the coincidence. Thats when I began crying. Almost instantaneously. Not out of fear or sadness. Out of utter relief. My angels were with me. The air in the truck was crisp. The crying felt good. 'Ding! For once you have made the right decision' And before I could stop myself, I found myself saying outloud in the truck..."Ok!! Ok!! I get it guys.... I get it." I released a tense breath I didnt know I was holding. Laughing, smiling, bouncing,crying. Never in my life have I gotten such a clear answer when asking my angels "is this it?"

Is that where you have been hiding? I wonder. In my music? Well, I do realize now that since Ben died music has taken on an age old meaning with a whole new need for me. I always used music to "get over" things. But until that very moment I didnt realize that I had become something I wasnt before Ben and Steve were gone. I just noticed that moment that every day I get up and the first thing I do is turn on my pc and hit a playlist in my mp3 player. Is that where they have been sending me signs from? Well, I do have about the weirdest combonation of musical taste on my pc. It starts to make some sense. I felt Steves cheshire cat grin all over my face. My blog is covered in my need to sooth and comfort with the music. All of it. Have you been there all along?

Ok, no. Im not crazy at all. Not even close. I might be wild or unruly, but crazy no. Im sure anyone watching this is thinking Im a lunatic. Nothing could have brought me to care at that moment. My sleeping soul stirred. Slowly. Its stirring now still. Something is waking up. I can feel it. I can count on one hand the times in my life I have felt "above the clouds." I usually am the clouds. The darkest deepest ones full of rain and thunder and lightening. The ones that look so much like the real ones hanging over Roanoke at that moment. This was an above the clouds moment.

Mick comes over. The first thing he says is.. "You look better!" I just now realized that I should have messed with him and asked better then what?? But I just caught up to that. At the moment he asked. I smiled huge and said, 'I feel better!' We talk about our new relationships going on and we both look at each other and laugh. "Im used to having sex on the first date or asap type shit" I said.
"HAHAAHAAHHA" is all he could say. "So am I". There we sat giggling like two demented sex demons.
"But, this is kind of nice" Mick says.
"Sure it is", demented smile.
Again the laughter. But we know we mean it. He asked me earlier on the roof. In jest of course. "So what do you think we are doing right this time?""Im not sure, lets just keep doing it""Good with me"

"Heads up!" the redhead on the roof yells as the shingles hit the ground below where she will toss them onto her truck.
SOD, and old hardcore band blares out from the roof of this house in a neighborhood where Nelly songs with Tim Mcgraw are considered having too much blood in your rap stream.

Two slightly twisted but honest, hardworking people who deserve a chance at something better in life are laughing as they sing out the words to a song that will disgust any of the neighborhood folks on Day Ave.


Bookend said...

Congratulations on your awakening and opening up to the "messages" as they've been. Sometimes it takes so long to realize what has been there all along...Good luck in the "new relationship" ... and doing it right this time...Thank you for sharing...

BM, The Necessary Movement said...

i love sleeping
it issss soooooooo goood!!!
a perfect date if you ask me.
Did you even ask me?
sorry for my forced opinion!

: )

Azathoth said...

Keep the smile on Joy. You deserve it. And always listen to the beat....

Angry Nice guy said...

He may be in the music or in your mind or in your heart, but your friend is still with you. The lord (as much as most people don't like to think of him) would never let our loved ones be far from us and I've always believed that they watch over us, as corny as that sounds. I hope your recent experiences help to open you to the basic faith, if not in the Lord then in the fact that our loved ones watch over us all as Angels.
In the end we all desever something better, and I for one hope you find it.