Sunday, January 02, 2005

Family and Friends

Ok so heres the catch that has me tongue tied and more then mildly confused. Cd and Kt are cousins.

The last thing I will ever be on this earth is the type of person who disregards issues like that, or causes drama because of it. I told him tonight I had to talk to him. Then after getting my ass beat @ football 5 or 6 times I got chickened and tired out. I didnt talk to him. I have to. There is no choice. I need to explain why.

There are very few people on this earth that get respect from me. Even the ones who do can quickly find themselves wishing they didnt have it when I romp their ass for being foolish. But its a fact. The more I can walk on someone, the less I am likely to respect them. Catch 22 I suppose but thats how it is for me. Im damn sure this is going to burn DAL's ass right off but I have to explain why I like Cd so much.

Hes real. Hes straight and blunt, and most of all, hes not going to put up with any dumb shit from me. The things I dont care to improve on normally, I want to fix when Im around him. I have no idea why totally. This isnt the normal Rebel Joy that I know either. We might joke around and push each others buttons in fun, but in seriousness, that shit wont be happening. Im pretty sure that even without having said so, that we both know, that neither of us are people to be fucked around with. So heres the issue.

Ive been friends with Kt for 17 years. Of course during that time we have been more then friends on more then one occasion. I love him, I care for him and I wish and hope everyday that something good happens to his life. Instead of all the drama and bs, I wish him well. Worry that he's not, and want more then anything for him to be honestly happy. Not this fake shit hes getting now. But I wished the same things for Ben, for Steve and for all the other people Ive called friend over the years. But that didnt mean I wanted to "be" with them. We have never even let anyone else call us anything but friends. Ive no doubt he values my friendship a bit more then he does some of the others he has. But that doesnt mean I want him to be my boyfriend. When I look at the big picture, standing back... I realize that it would be a disasterous combo. True respect would never come into play, and I cant live like that for long. Thus the failed marriage. Yeah sorry DAL but guess what.... Getting drunk and beating on someone half your size has the same result. Loss of respect. Deal with it and quit interfering in my life. We are no longer a married couple. You owe me nothing, I owe you less.

So last night I waited for Cd to call when he got home from work. I sat at my nieces and told her that maybe I was kind of getting on his nerves, and that when he got home late and had to work early he might not want to be having to look at my face in between those times. So then I left her house and came back home. About that time DAL started calling with his harrassing bullshit, drunk of course, and I felt like a fucking trapped rat for about 5 minutes it took me to get the hell out of the house. As I was walking towards the door Kt called and asked me to stop by. Ok, so I go there. I tell Bob to tell Cd that Im at Kt's. And I figure if he wants to talk to me, he will call there and ask. He called, but he didnt speak to me. So blam, it hits me like a ton of bricks. There I am, dangerously close to causing drama. This will not happen.

20 years of not even knowing my real family and 2 dead best friends HAS taught me some major lessons. One is that you dont fuck with peoples friends or family. Family and friends are there long after lovers and partners are gone. So if it was in the best interest of their relationship, I guess Id have to back away. Kt will always be my friend. Even if I didnt go over to his house for 10 years, when I did come back, he would welcome me and be glad to see me.

Ive already learned one lesson with Cd. He doesnt fuck around and hes not going to play any games. Good, Im done with the games too. If I had thought for one second that he would have spoken to me after the Tinker Creek incident... I would have called. I would have apologized then, and thats a lot for me to do. I never apologize. Never say Im sorry, because you can only say Sorry and mean it ONCE. Once is a mistake, something to be sorry for, twice is just foolish and immature. Maybe I could have saved myself a lot of pain and trouble had I done so. But Im beginning to realize that maybe fate had a hand in this shit. Because Im sure in 10 years, both of us have had to learn some hard lessons on how to treat people. So maybe the time wasnt right then? Maybe its not even now. I dont know. But in keeping my promise to myself I am going to be real and true to me first. To begin with. Im going to let Cd read this tomorrow when he comes over to get me, or to watch football here with me.

I know Mickey to be a good judge of character, possibly a better one then I. And Im pretty good at it. Maybe thats why I love Mickey so much too in the short time Ive known him to be my cousin. He treats me very similar to what Cd does. He doesnt put up with my shit, and hes quick to point out when Im dishing out shit where I got no business doing so. So on the roof last week, after Cd stopped by for a few... he told me ...
Mick: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Joy: The answer to that could be endless. What are you talking about?
Mick: The guys you fuck with, the Dal's and the Kt's. Why do you waste so much time and energy on people like that? All they ever do is take from you. This guy comes here just to light you up at work.
Joy: Ok, thats fair.
Mick: Whats fair?
Joy: You reaming me for wasting my time, my life and my energy.
Mick: Well, I dont know him, but he seems like a good guy. Whats more important is he seems like a good guy for YOU.
Joy: You are just saying that because he gives me hell and you enjoy seeing it.
Mick: Thats true, but I mean it too. Someone has to give you hell.
Joy: You know. I just started realizing that not long ago.. but I agree. Thanks for waking me up a bit.
Mick: No problem cuz, anytime.
Joy: Ok enough about my fucked up life, back to work you slut.

Second, and here is the big one.

I dont know Cd terribly well, but I got the feeling he was annoyed or bothered by the fact that not only was I not home when he called me like I asked him to, but I was at Kt's. And normally, Id fight tooth and nail with someone I was seeing who told me to "stay away from that person." Normally they would get a big fuck off and die from me, but again. This is family. You dont fuck with that. I WONT fuck with that. Its not my place, it wont be my life. I think the only thing I can do to maintain respectfulness is to ask Cd how he would like me to handle it. If he said he didnt want me lurking around at Kt's alone then Id respect that. Its not about trust here. Its about respect and common sense. If you have ever been fucked over by a friend or family member, then there is no need to explain. If you havent been, then you need to go the fuck outside.

So Cd, what will it be? What should I be doing when it comes to this situation? And dont tell me some shit that you dont mean. Dont tell me you dont care if you do. And dont tell me its ok if its not. Kt will most likely always be my friend. But I dont feel for him what I do for you, and what I feel for you is more important to me. I dont want to let this get fucked up a second time. If it does, I dont want it to be anywhere near my fault. :)

And, if anyone else took the time to read all this mess, then thank you, and give me your honest opinion about this situation please.


Azathoth said...

Ok, family's a touchy subject (and no I'm not talking about things they do in Alabama). I guess what it comes down to is how serious you are about this person. If part of you really thinks that the 2 of you have a chance of running the gambit then go slow but go forward. Yes family is stronger than friendship (Sometimes, there are exceptions to every rule) but eventually we all must break away from family in order to try and find one of our own. It's a tricky situation, one I've seen and been part of before (I met my Demon through her sister who I almost dated in high school). The most important thing is talking. It's the basis for every relationship and the failure of most. So talk to Cd, and hope that All invlved are old enough to be willing to talk and act like adults(something that has nothing to do with age).
And as for Dal, he has no place in this thought process. Hitting women is the act of a pathetic loser who needs to end his life because he's wasting good air.

Good luck in this all Joy. Worst comes to worst remember: you still have BM's balls, break them out and nutslap someone if you need to.

Joy said...

Perfect. I took your advice to heart. I wrote that huge thing and then he wouldnt read it. But I dont blame him, reading two pages of shit like that could be awkward. He asked me so gently to tell him what was up that I just let it go and told him. Damn it was hard. At first. Then I found out I was talking to one of those adults you mentioned. And it got worlds easier. Dear god but he listened to me. He actually listened, looked at me while I was talking, heard what I said... responded. He said just what you said Az. He said he liked me a lot too, but that because of the situation and other things going on at the moment, that we would take it slow. Thats incredible with me, I dont want anything fast and furious anymore. I want it calm, cool and collected. Im still amazed that it was.

As soon as I told him how I felt about him, he came and sat on the couch with me, and let me hug him until I had to run him home feeling guilty cuz he has to work tomorrow.

BM's balls strike again. Pretty sure they are worn out though after tonight.