Monday, January 10, 2005

Thank you for Clarity

I wrote a post last week about missing Steve and Ben and the thoughts and feelings I had behind their deaths. I have.. or had, no idea what inspired me to write it. I only knew I felt a tug on my soul. That I had things to get off my chest that needed typing. I only knew I was welcoming in another new year, alone, missing my angels.

The same day I made that post. I was heading to work and I asked for a sign. I thought the peaceful feeling, the change in the air, and the song on the radio was my sign. And I knew who was sending it. I just didnt know why. Or why now. Steve was always a joker. Never took anything too serious, except one person, one love, one relationship.

A few days later I received an email from someone who meant more then life to him. In the last months of his life he talked to me about her constantly. He just wanted the pain gone, wanted her back, and didnt know how to do either. I tried to help. I was there for him. Its the only way I knew how to help. 12 years later. I read her email and just froze. In our childhoods Steve and I were the closest of friends. Its what made it so easy to pick up where we left off. I had went my seperate way as did he. But we came back together again for some reason. I think Im starting to understand why.

This has been one of the biggest nagging questions Ive had. Why? Why bring him into my life only to have him leave it again, forever?? Why bring my best friend back and then take him from me, when I needed him the most?

I never got it. I never understood, and I spent a lot of time hating over it. I think I know why now. All these years, all the time I felt I suffered alone, there was someone else suffering too. His sweetheart, his girl. The only girl Id ever known him to actually want to be with. I had no idea she still thought of him. But I do now. And I have to say, that I feel damn sure that I now know why he was sent to me, to spend the time with me that he had, before he died.

I was the one person he had he could talk to, besides her. The one that wouldnt give him shit for being in love or taunt him like the guys did. I was the one who listened. I was the one who heard him pour his heart out over her night after night. And I was the one living with the guilt over his death on my very soul.

So someone had to be around to share this message. He knew he was going to die soon. He knew he couldnt talk to her and convince her of the things he was telling me nightly. And Im sure he knew she would love him forever, just as I do. Now I just have to talk to her, spend some time telling her the things he shared with me, because finally, I feel like thats the answer to my 'Why?'

Because you were my friend. Because you loved me, as no one else on earth ever had, besides her. Because I knew if I told you what I felt, that eventually you would share it with her. Because you were my friend, and sometimes, we have no choice in burdening the ones we love with our pain. Sometimes when you love someone enough, it just happens. Sometimes when you love someone enough, you dont have to ask them for a thing. They pick up your burdens and run away with them as fast as they can, to spare you. No bad intentions are found in true love and friendship. Because I know you will remember me, and honor me, and carry on my message when the time is right. Because I see your pain and I know that only one person on earth shares it with you. And its time for you two to find some joy in the pain. Because I love you both, my best friend, and my only love.. I will be here for you both, to walk you home, when the time comes.


Bookend said...

This is an incredible realization you have made...and it is even more incredible to have had the opportunity to share it with you, from the first post to this one...Thank you Joy...

Azathoth said...

Wow Joy. I'm glad you got your answer. I envy you. Know that your friends are always with you in your heart, your music, and your life. I've lost several (Some that I blame myself for). I know the pain and the questions well. I thought no one ever got those answered. You did and I'm very happy for you. I hope the smiles he once brought to your life will continue for the rest of it. I hope she also will appreciate the friend we all have in you. Remember: Angels exist. I may not believe in God, but I do in Angels. I have no other word to describe some of the poeple I've met in my life. You were blessed by having him in your life, and that blessing is still there.

Joy said...

Thanks to you both for the support. Its hard to even convince myself of what is going on. Its hard to believe in any miracles anymore. But I am trying. Your comments always encourage me to push myself in the right directions.

Thanks 2 u :)

Bookend said...

I know how hard miracles are to believe, but the one thing that keeps me going is the drive to believe!!! Glad to hear Az believes in angels...they are one thing I've never questioned...