Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Hard @ Work Part 1

So today, after the last bit of disrespect that ended any hopes of a real friendship, we had to work together. Roofing is a tough job. I am Osha certified, can type 90 words per minute, but right now the only work I can find is helping my cousin improve some houses in various ways. Right now we are working on a huge Old Southwest home. This house actually had 4 apartments in it. Its big. And 3 stories high. Frightening and very invigorating... but dreadfully exhausting work. But no chance in hell any bs drama is interfering in any of my work day. Im pretty sure we had that silent agreement well ahead of time. So we tore off 3 layers of wet nasty board, felt and shingles.. got a lot of work done today, and I JUST got home at the time of this post. I left at 8am. Im no weakling but a lot of this is beyond my physical abilities... I can only carry a slab of shingles up 3 and a half flights of stairs before I have to take a breath :D. Good hard ass physical work. Im aching all over but I dont regret a bit of it. Im toning up, eating less and my heart rate gets a good pounding several times per day now. It also does wonders for the mentality. Roof, 3 stories high, standing on the edge or sweeping it, you think about work, safety, balance. Not lame drama and sad memories. I always wonder what people think when they see me doing a 'mans job' with the boys. The boys worried about me falling or just stressing over me when I jump in and start helping them, with less fear then they have....

The tension was not unbearable or anything. As a matter of fact, I was the same old me and I wondered, or got the feeling, that it bothered him that I wasnt more somber then I was. Im leaning on Mickey-cousin pretty hard in a lot of areas right now. Hes gotten me work, hes kept me riding around with him, doing work here and there, kept me out of trouble and given me someone to talk to about the petty but meaningful things we all seem to want to share. He gives me hell. I need it though. :D

So the day is over, we are sitting downtown in the truck waiting for Mickey to talk to the boss. And I finally broke out that old sweaty overused pair of balls BM loaned me last weekend....
"Why does it seem like you are angry with me? You really have no reason to be"... via me.
"Im not mad at you babe"
"Well I was hurt by what happened, I want you to know you are my friend 1st and foremost and I want to be respected as you would any of these guys you actually call friend. Like Mickey" I said.
"Well I was kind of hurt too"

What the hell? Hurt why? Because I left after the drama started?

Finally Mickey was on his way out. Of course right as we were starting to speak again.

"Im not done talking to you yet Mister" I said, seriously.

Wonder if he really wants to hear what I have to say next?


BM, The Necessary Movement said...

Go my balls!!!!!! I am happy you had the chance to use them again! Hope it all works out for you in the end.

Roofing seems like some seriously hard work. Next spring my friend and I are going to roof my house. Luckily for me he is a carpenter and has done roofing many times. I am so incompetent when it comes to any type of physical labor. Actually I am incompetent when it comes to labor period. I have the smoothest feminine hands known to man!! I sit in an office with my silky tips and avoid work as much as possible. Stay safe on the roof.

cao said...

Finally, I get a chance to check you out. I am entranced. I had a very prophetic dream once about a roofer that I would meet who would kick me in the chest (metaphorically of course). The darkness that surrounds you makes me wonder if it may not be you, indeed. How did you lose your soul anyway?
And thanks the Ctrl F5 things a keeper.

Love & Light, Baby girl, Love & Light...

Joy said...

Greetings Cao.
Id like to hear more about this dream!
The darkness around me comes from several different places I suppose. About 50% of it is probably self induced. Self protection. I had that as a kid by the time I was in 4th grade. Its not depression like some people like to label it, only protection as I said.

The other half of my soul was taken in two parts. My best friend, childhood friend, first boy I ever kissed was killed in a car accident that I KNOW I could have prevented. The loss of him (Steve) literally tore my heart out. I struggled for a long time, I still do, over his death. For the first year, I cried everyday, the same horrible sobs that I cried the second the police told me he was dead.

So I decided that day, that if I ever met another person worthy of calling friend.. as I had Steve. I would make sure they knew how I felt, how I cared and what ends I would go to for them, for ever, for love.

A few years later I met Ben, perfect. Happy, always took care of me. Protected me like no one else ever had. I made sure he knew, I made sure he knew I loved him... to death. He was also killed in a car accident.

Both of these guys were only friends to me, but the best of the best. There is no doubt in my mind these guys would have risked death for me, both pretty much already had in some way....

Alas, the deaths of these two friends coupled with a very miserable childhood, pretty much just erased my soul, I guess perhaps its just the same as the paint wearing off your house or something over the years...

Im far from ready to disturb my soul from whatever depths it may be lurking.

Self inflicted soullessness doesnt seem all that bad to me. Instead of wallowing in poor me, why me shit for too long, I realized how lucky I was to have had 2 people I could actually call friends. Some never have one.