Wednesday, November 10, 2004

You've Been Warned

Im not sure why this silly test intrigued me so much but it did. And for some reason I feel like taking it apart in pieces might give me some insight into myself. Parts Ive been desperately trying to uncover for years.

'You serve with all your depth and darkness... '


He is the Tilirreh of Black. Feale, the Twilight One symbolizes the soothing darkness that stands to emphasize the light. His eternal immortal opposite is Andelas, the Tilirreh of White. Feale rules a monochrome world without color. '

Without color. That is truly how I see my own soul, my aura, my hidden color or ruler. Im not a pinky or muave type of girl, nor am I so pointless as to be black or completely colorless. Im more or less just the opposite. In the scheme of things I can imagine a world full of females running around with their shiny pink aura's and a gaggle of men striding around with thier dark greens or blues. But in comparison to the thoughts those colors invoke, Im definately some abstract opposite there. Monochrome, weird but that color/blend has always drawn me to it. The web site I just finished making is slathered in it.

'Black is not a color but the absence of light and is the great void of the unknown. As such, Feale is not the final choice and your true color is yet to be revealed in the fullness of time.... '

This seems a tad frightening to me when I consider the depth of the comment. I do hope that I dont live in this monochrome atmosphere forever, but the idea of it changing only signifies that I, myself will have to change into one of those frilly colors that seems to go hand in hand with blind ignorance. I wonder what Ill look like ignorant...

'If you have a Feale-guided personality then you have known the deepest heaviest darkness of spirit, and an intensity of need beyond all, a hunger that like the void does not seem to have a means of being alleviated. '

From the get go. As a child given up for adoption and well aware of it from as early an age as possible, there has always been a very deep and dark heaviness within me. In the formative years where I found temporary reprive from it, inside of good whole hearted friends who seemed to fill that void, they were jerked from me too. It doesnt get any deeper. There has never seemed to be a way out of the void, or a means to feed the hunger. Nothing that last for me, nothing that last in my world.

'You are solitary, proud and lofty in your ebony tower that was once made of ivory. You seem to have found another path altogether which beckons others with its secret glamour. And yet inside you continue to burn without fulfillment, weighed down by the burden of need. You are a lady of darkness, beautiful in your mystery, in your remoteness, and compelling to the rest of us as we observe your fierce strength and impossible self-reliance. '

Scary. In life I once did live in that ivory tower. I was always perched above and beyond most of those around me. Not in an egotistical manner. Just a manner of living, breathing, doing something more then pure existance. To the point that others relied upon me, but still considered approaching me slightly more then out of reach on some things. Now because of the darkness in me, the ability to confront it, laugh at it, and taunt it with a big stick, people seem just as drawn to that too. Perhaps more, because the world knows that most are attracted to the dark and mysterious more then the open and obvious. The self reliance perhaps has caused more issue for me then anything. Im not sure why but a lot of men, I.E. in relationships, they tend to think wow, now heres a chick who doesnt NEED me, she doesnt HAVE to have me so she wont always be clinging to me or shoving herself up my ass. And then I get in a relationship with them and they are suddenly compelled into wanting me to do those things, cling, need, be unable to live without. But sadly, they never see that it was just the opposite that made them love me. And sadly it takes them years to realize that its just how I am, that I can love them endlessly, and Im never going to be that whiney, needy one that begs them to stay when they want to go. I always let them go. They have caused me to question myself of course. Is the letting go me being me??, or is it being weak and giving up? I think its just my ingrained personality and thats the way it will always be for me. The thought of saying something like "Oh please stay with me and care for me and be my knight in shining armor", makes me cringe inwardly. Im more the "sit down and stfu or get out of my life" type of person. I never said I was an easy person to live with. And I never said I could live with someone like myself. Id have killed me long ago.

'Secrets make up your existence. Often beyond your fortress of personal defenses lies overwhelming ice-cold loneliness and isolation, and powerful anger. And with no outlet, the anger torments you deeply in an endless cycle of pain. None but you and Feale ever know this, for he too knows your despair, and for that you trust him alone and none other. '

Trusting is a hard issue for me. Not because of any one person or event. Admittedly there have been more then one person and more then one event that should have caused me to swear off mankind forever. But its not in me to do so. That goes so against the redheaded forward nature of me that it makes me cringe to imagine myself just letting go and giving someone every bit of trust or affection that I have. Eerily, because of this, once I have given up or given in and some desperate ego has broken the personal defenses down, they find this ice cold isolated angry person they didnt want to find. Much better to go back outside and relax with the girl who let you do what you want, when you wanted to do it, instead of this ice cold witch who will burn bridges on purpose and with glee just to be rid of what you are considering making her become. Sorry, DALjr, but that one was for you pal.

'Taken to the extreme, darkness can seem overwhelming. The void appears ever-gaping with nothing to fill it. But remember that in the fullness of time nothing breeds only more nothing and is only a voluntary pause, that anger is a symptom of misdirected light, and that despair is merely a temporary choice to stand alone. Remember also that you are not obligated to be ruled by despair'

Madness how true this is. It seems Ive used anger like a pimp uses a whore. Ive only broken it out when all else fails and I cant seem to fight my way above the despair. It gives me nothing, I give it everything, and temporarily I am fulfilled into believing that Im doing the right thing, no matter how wrong it feels. Anger makes us believe we are doing the right thing when we feel our anger is pimping justice at the time.

'Bankers and businessmen, statesmen and politicians, warlords and conquering invaders, merchants and traders, moneylenders, entrepreneurs, amassers of material wealth and intellectual property and the hearts of others, manipulators of authority, judges, lawyers and professional deceivers, practitioners of the dark occult arts, all those who seek to change the world to accommodate themselves, and all those who have not discovered the means to be fulfilled, are guided by the vacuum that is Feale. '

Im sure at least one ex would say that I am the professional deceiver in this grouping here. But thats not the case at all. I do not deceive. It is their intentions and expectations that decieve them. I remain the same. That in itself can be hard to understand. We think that our existance in someone elses life will cause them to change irreversibly. But thats not the case with me. I remain the same, the same, the same, while they morph like caterpillars into a bitter broken butterfly who finds themselves flying solo because the little caterpillar they wanted to alter refuses to crawl into the cuccoon with them. I will not morph until I have no choice. Even then it will be an epic battle.

'More so than all the other Tilirr Personalities you feel pain and need, and carry the burden of suffering. For you have fathomed the Black Mystery of Feale that darkness is not evil but that which is incomplete and is yet to be filled — and thus for the moment you reside in its depths and embrace it as you continue to hunger for something still unknown to you. '

Incredible. But I am constantly accused of being evil for this reason. I have long ago decided that just because something is different, or odd, such as my abilities to reason with the anger or darkness, does not make it frightening or something to be avoided. More likely its something I investigate more into. Pour more energy into. "The darkness is full of light if you can but find it in the void, eyes wide shut, fist wide open and I will retrieve what is mine". Ive learned to do that. Find bliss in the void. Instead of fearing the darkness, or the things not considered white and goodness, I have found it holds the best secrets. The ones that you never expected to be there. They lie in the dark waiting for brave souls to find their secrets, and bravely my soul found them long ago. Most people come upon the darkness and skid to a halt, grind to a stop, and just stare into it, wondering whats in there for them. I told myself years ago that whatever was in there for me, Id find it and grasp it, or Id never touch it at all. This has remained true for many years now. When I was younger I would have given up much for this ability. The years I went friendless and alone because I was scared to just jump into that black hole and take what was mine, or lose what wasnt. I jumped in, I didnt always find what I was looking for. Sometimes I found things I didnt want, but the point is I found something. Thats more then most can say. If in the darkest moment of your life, you reach into the void and pull back a demon in your hand, you are still not alone. Some demons have pulled me into the light when the darkness had already swallowed me whole.

'You sorrow and wait for fulfillment.

As well you should, you who tread the most difficult of all paths of the soul, for we have all been you, and will be again, unto eternity, until we understand the final mystery of Rainbow.
You are not alone, friend.'

Perhaps this is the hardest part to read for me. Because as I stand in the void, the blankness, I tell myself I am alone. It makes it easier. I mean, if you are standing in the pitch black, you dont want to think others are there, just within reach, thats far more frightening then most fathomable things in my opinion. It gives me disgruntled hope to think that although I do feel I have always tread the most difficult of paths, that I must continue to do so, until the mystery is revealed. I suppose in my opinion, the mystery doesnt end until my life does. Ive always thought that the one moment of clarity comes to those who are perched on the brink of life and death. At least I can move on knowing that I cant sit around expecting an epiphany one cold December day in the middle of my life, but that I can move on, in void or in chaos, and know that at the end of the long dark purgatory like tunnel, there will come a day, the day of my death, that I get to see what I was looking for all along. I have no problems waiting. Patience, is the one virtue/curse, that I have an overabundance of.


Thanks to anyone who reads this. And to those who actually understand it, then you must be living in this sort of monochrome existance that I reside in, have resided in for decades. I dont feel like the dark parts of myself are something to be hidden, or stifled, and I welcome others who believe that life is more then frilly rainbows and fluffy colors to be ruled by. I do feel that people approaching me deserve to know the full truth of what I am. Perhaps that is fueled by the pains I have cost others, or the trauma I have endured myself, but life isnt fair, and I dont intend to hold lifes hand in that partnership. No one should ever say, hey, I didnt know that girl was so ... odd. Because they should have been slapped in the face repeatedly with that fact in the first 3 minutes we spoke.

So /slap /slap /slap.

You've been warned~!

1 comment:

BM, The Necessary Movement said...

That is some good stuff. I like what you wrote.