Fockin roof

Well I got invited to a movie so off I go to see The Fockers. I love DeNiro so it should be good. Whats even better is being taken to a movie for a change. What? Not a date where we sit in a darkened bedroom smoking and drinking? Wowie...

Things do change if you let them :D

Alas, it all must come to an end. Back to the old roof tomorrow to finish off the top. I swear Im going to get some pics up here of it before its over. But yep, back to the rooftops, then after that we still have the porch left to do. It has to be rebuilt. So apparently for the next few weeks I will be a roofer/apprentice carpenter. Go me for learning something new~

Holiday Update - Style Via Ironpants the incredible blogger

1 5th of Jim Beam that was supposed to be for Xmas.
1 5th of Jim Beam shared with my dad on the 23rd.
2nd 5th he went to get on Xmas eve to replace the one we drank.
My first hangover of the year from the first bottle.
The second bottle I am currently working on.
3 phone calls that lasted more then an hour each with Cd.
30 minutes total spent wondering and hoping Kt is ok and not wrecking his life too much harder.
30 minutes total spent wondering and hoping DAL is ok and not wrecking his life too much harder.
1 gift of much needed clothes from my Mom and Dad.
1 gift of 50 bucks from my Bio dad Bob that will buy my sons Xmas present.
2 hours spent in my favorite Irc chatroom playing UNO with the bot.
3 Valiums.
An hour spent wondering if I am honoring the memories of my lost friends enough by keeping them in my heart this Xmas season.

Slayer-South of Heaven- Played in memory of Robbie James
Cypress Hill - Cuban Necktie - Played in memory of Steve Kinzie
Candlebox - Cover me - Played in memory of Ben Campbell

Train - Calling all Angels - In hopes that these great people who have passed before me will continue to watch my step for me, to guide me and guard me. Im sure without them, I would be a shell of what I am today.

My new years resolution fresh in my mind. No more fakes, no more sell outs, no more dishonor, no more disrespect, no more alcoholics. :)

Derrrr

Thats what I feel like talking on the phone like a teenager for hours. But oddly, we had our first, "serious" conversation this morning. About the BS drama crap that happened 10 years ago. It was odd, but all the sudden the 2 of us and our joking relatively light conversation got very serious, but very adult.

It seemed odd because its been a long time since Ive been able to discuss something with an adult male in a completely healthy manner. No yelling, listening, making comments to support ideas or waiting patiently to disagree if the need be.

Weird, there are normal human males out there :p

Redneck X-mas

In the spirit of living in South East Roanoke now, which is apparently the "redneck" part of town, I woke up this morning to a rainy sky... yay, no roof. Slept in until 12 noon, and got up. Talked to Cd on the phone a bit, grabbed a shower.. ran out to Wendys for food.

I got home and while eating my burger I seen the sun start to come out.....

I was appauled. Dad already bought us a bottle of beam to suck on for the day, planning on going to Cd's to play that damn game finally today, and things were looking ok. No, hell no. The sun comes up, Mickeys gonna call and the roof it will be until dark. No, HELL NO.

So outside to the porch I ran, where I yelled fairly loudly, "What the fuck is going on?? Where is the fucking rain or snow? MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO ME!"

Now Mickey is on his way over, if he mentions work, Im breaking out the now imfamous pair and hes getting nutslapped.

Offsides!!~

It struck me oddly as I was driving home from Boogers house. Yep, I have a cousin named Booger. (Not his real name) And I realized that dating or the whole dating world is like calling audibles in football.

Anyone who says that this isnt "playing a game" is just fucking fooling themselves or trying to sound innocent and coy. Its not either. Here is a short excerpt of insight I shared with a young EQ friend I used to play with this evening.

Joy: ... gonna tell you right now that dating is always just like it is in high school
Joy: ignorant stupid and embarrassing
(Tj 41 - I might be the city of compton's right knee): lol, really?
Joy: yes, it never gets any better

Ok so the one thing I havent mentioned much is that Cd is Kt's cousin. But I did seriously date Cd years ago when I first moved into Tinker Creek. There was some bullshit that caused drama and we never really spoke again. Until recently, at Kt's. I always liked Cd though, and I believe he liked me a lot too.

Ok so back to football. People call their plays and they make their moves. Im not going to get in depth but does anyone understand this concept or is it just my fucked up imagination how dating or the drama and high schoolishness of it all reminds you of some full contact sport where people just keep changing up, calling audibles and going WAY the fuck offsides??

Ok Ok I deserve this...

I think CD's neice isnt telling him that I am calling. We both issued a challenge to defeat one another at ESPN 2k4 and since then the play date has fell through like 3 times now.

I think fates being a bitch and just playing hard against us. She did this to us before, 10 years ago. This time though I promise to fight her harder. Even if it means I have to take this extra pair of balls Im toting around and beat her in the face with them.

That is all.

$ongs for $ex

For some reason I just think this is one of the most incredibly erotic songs there are. Of course its not Marvin Gaye or Barry White. I guess it would take a particular type of person to agree with it or feel the same but this song just makes me think of hardcore sweaty primal sex@~


it's ok, it's ok, ok relieve me
pins in me, pins in me, in me you kill me
the lounge fly
the lounge fly
the fly you bring me
I think I'm free but the dogs theywon't release me

I can't give what I take away
and the other understands
she said she'd be my woman
she said she'd be my man
I can't live this way
please refill my soul

don't have a nickel or a dollar but
you feed me
my bottle's empty but you always
refuel me
I feel I'm sinking but you won't
let me drown me
I wanna fuck, wanna fuck
but do you need me?

Losing my soul, finding my heart

For some reason these words wont stay out of my head and my heart. They just speak volumes about where I feel like Ive been in my life. At almost any given moment these words could have described my present.

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
It's for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I've cried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside you're ugly
You're ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you


Not depressed or depressive. Just that this feels like the "real me"

Off to work on the roof :D Yay, money is good, roofing sucks BM's balls.

Wowie I did it

Well since I still have use of BM's ballsack... Ive been using the pair quite thoroughly. I now have been given the power to make cold calls. Yes.... I called CD, and hes on the way to get me for a little ride around and chat. Go me... and BM's balls.

I swear, Ill give them back soon, but once word gets out how useful they are you may just have to give them up for quite a while.

Work

Roofing sucks. Its about 30 degrees outside and windy. Feels like 22 the weather channel thing I got on my page sez. :((((( But out I head to do some more work. Today will be a good day though I hope. A friend from Everquest is coming to meet me, gonna have a couple of drinks and enjoy ourselves. (Vekx) to those who read here and know him from my guild on EQ for the last 4 years.

Its not been hard at all working with Kt the few days hes helped on the roof. I think he even knows Im done with the friendship. Sure there is still joking around, but theres a definate wall there. Im glad of it. When I am done with something, I am truly done. My actions might not always reflect that, but my attitude and heart certainly does. I think a lot of people think Im cold hearted for that.

I have an xbox date with CD on Wednesday. He doesnt drink. He admits he gets evil when he does so he hasnt drank more then 2 beers at a time in over 10 years. Boy, does that sound good to me. I told him I was gonna whip his ass at ESPN football2k4. Im gonna lose :D

Compilation of songs I enjoy. DarkSoulhavoc Part 1

Anyone in my brain enough to name these songs these excerpts are from???

I served my perdition, in this private hell
A thousand angers have kept me alive
Grab a hold on your distorted world
Im here to bang it
Take a little caution when you look my way
See the emptiness in my eyes.
And the evil thing, I embrace
Want to meet you, want to feel you near
Want your, need your, Light
Want your, need your, Life

**************************************
Come together with your hands,
Save me,
Im together with your plan
All my friends are Indians...
All my friends are brown and red.
All my friends are skeletons
They beat a rythym with their bones.

Come on, lock it on.

***************************************

Sick in the head,
sick in the mouth
I dont hear a word you say
Not a bit, and I dont give a shit
Yeah yeah yeah
I got the gas, i got the steel
I got everything
And all I need is your head on a stake.

********************************************

Over me
You fade into the night
Over me
You melt into the light
Over me
You will fear the things I need
Over me
You will feel the hate I breed
You're under me
And you will question my authority
You're under me
And you will lose almost everything
You're under me
You will feel the pain I wanna bring you
You're under me
You never change
Never change a fucking thing
Not a fucking thing

*****************************************

Be what you wanna be
See what you came to see
Been what you wanna be
I dont like what I see



Good luck. The winner takes home a redheaded demon for xmas.

Name that tune?

I don't know you, so don't freak on me
I can't control you
You're not my destiny

Straight out of line
I can't find a reason why i should justify my ways
Straight out of line i don't need a reason
You don't need to lie to me
I'll confess this you're my tragedy
I laid you to rest just as fast as you turned on me
Gone forever vanished the memories,
this face of pleasure are masked by your misery

Hard @ Work Part 1

So today, after the last bit of disrespect that ended any hopes of a real friendship, we had to work together. Roofing is a tough job. I am Osha certified, can type 90 words per minute, but right now the only work I can find is helping my cousin improve some houses in various ways. Right now we are working on a huge Old Southwest home. This house actually had 4 apartments in it. Its big. And 3 stories high. Frightening and very invigorating... but dreadfully exhausting work. But no chance in hell any bs drama is interfering in any of my work day. Im pretty sure we had that silent agreement well ahead of time. So we tore off 3 layers of wet nasty board, felt and shingles.. got a lot of work done today, and I JUST got home at the time of this post. I left at 8am. Im no weakling but a lot of this is beyond my physical abilities... I can only carry a slab of shingles up 3 and a half flights of stairs before I have to take a breath :D. Good hard ass physical work. Im aching all over but I dont regret a bit of it. Im toning up, eating less and my heart rate gets a good pounding several times per day now. It also does wonders for the mentality. Roof, 3 stories high, standing on the edge or sweeping it, you think about work, safety, balance. Not lame drama and sad memories. I always wonder what people think when they see me doing a 'mans job' with the boys. The boys worried about me falling or just stressing over me when I jump in and start helping them, with less fear then they have....

The tension was not unbearable or anything. As a matter of fact, I was the same old me and I wondered, or got the feeling, that it bothered him that I wasnt more somber then I was. Im leaning on Mickey-cousin pretty hard in a lot of areas right now. Hes gotten me work, hes kept me riding around with him, doing work here and there, kept me out of trouble and given me someone to talk to about the petty but meaningful things we all seem to want to share. He gives me hell. I need it though. :D

So the day is over, we are sitting downtown in the truck waiting for Mickey to talk to the boss. And I finally broke out that old sweaty overused pair of balls BM loaned me last weekend....
"Why does it seem like you are angry with me? You really have no reason to be"... via me.
"Im not mad at you babe"
"Well I was hurt by what happened, I want you to know you are my friend 1st and foremost and I want to be respected as you would any of these guys you actually call friend. Like Mickey" I said.
"Well I was kind of hurt too"

What the hell? Hurt why? Because I left after the drama started?

Finally Mickey was on his way out. Of course right as we were starting to speak again.

"Im not done talking to you yet Mister" I said, seriously.
"Ok"

Wonder if he really wants to hear what I have to say next?

Outside

This song is beautiful to me. Its possible its because its been the 'story' of my life. This touches me, I hope you go download the song if you arent familiar with it. The acoustic version is incredible.

And you
Bring me to my knees
Again
All the times
That I could beg you please
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
But I leave
My burdens at the door
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won't end
Was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It's from you
All the times
That I've tried
My intentions
Full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I've cried
All this wasted
It's all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It's back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can't mend
But I feel
Tomorrow wil be OK
But I'm on the outside
And I'm looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
'Cause inside your ugly
Your ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you



Thats what he had. Thats what he gave up. His loss. Im done. Moving on. And I feel good about it. I decided that the first day of 2005 I will make a resolution. The only one Ive ever made. When I promise myself something, I am forced to stick to it. Ive never failed, thus the fear in making them. The laziness.

My new years resolution will be to remove all the fake people from my life. To get rid of the sell outs. If you cant be real, you cant be my friend. Im going to take what I want from 2005, instead of kindly waiting for it. Instead of being the compassionate, respectful one, Im going to demand it up front, or Im not wasting my time with another soulless individual.

Somethings arent as they seem

Well thanks to BM I had a hefty set of balls to break out this weekend. I didnt break them out in the fashion I had intended. What I did do is keep my word to myself. I tried to befriend a person who didnt deserve the title. Not even close. You can only say Im sorry for something one time, once is a mistake. A second sorry is useless when its the same thing occuring.

I lost a friend. Not because I did something, but because he didnt value our friendship enough to show it, for the last time. Im sad in my heart that its over. And even more sadly, he doesnt even know it.. yet. It feels bad, but Ive felt much worse. Hes gone, but hes not dead. Thats the only thing I can think of to be thankful about him at the moment.

So on I trudge. Ill be doing more roofing this week. Yes roofing, hard ass work on an ugly roof in one of the worst neighborhoods in this city. But Ill be doing it with a stronger spine.

One chapter in my book of Foolishness is over. The next one begins soon Im sure.
Hating yourself is a lonely feeling. But to be honest, Im glad Im alone while Im feeling it.

My mother is in intensive care at the hospital. Tomorrow I go to see her. There is not one soul in my life that is there to comfort me through this. She doesnt have long.. and we all know it. And when does finally go to the Heaven she calls home, there will be no one there who's shoulder I can cry on.

Thank God for Mickey. He is a better friend to me then any I have living in my area. And family.
Im trying to remind myself to be thankful for that, but right now, its very hard.

Bye, K.A. it was nice knowing you.

To drink or not to drink

Ok. Im going to try to get drunk and spew what I got to spew. Im taking bets on whether BM's balls hold out for the duration or not.

I have 10 on me not having the nards to do it.

Best Friend?

We like the same cartoons. We like the same recreations. We know all the same people. We like the same people. Dislike the same people. We are both quiet natured. Not a lot of excessive talking. No bs chatty convo just to be making noise. We both like the same music. We both enjoy the same types of TV shows. We agree on most things. We are essentially the same person. Heres the problem...

Before I met my cousin recently, he asked my best friend "What is she like?" His answer was a smile and "well, shes like me." When MR aka cousin, told me that.. I smiled, a lot. We are a lot alike. I think the worst part is we think a lot alike. Great for a friendship, not so great for making it more then that.

So here we are, at a stalemate. Im not saying anything about it, hes not saying anything about it. Stuck, one of us has to say something. "If you want me to Ill come over." "If you would like to come over then come on, Ill leave the door open."

See what I mean? No ones giving, no ones going to cave and just go look, I like you.. a lot. So how long can this go on? Who knows. He said to me not long ago, if we have been doing this for 13 years off and on, I have no problem doing it another 13 years. Gah, damnit, he says shit like that a lot. "I need you" "I need you for more then one night at a time"

But then when I say "I love you to death you know?" He doesnt believe me.

So how do you take two non believers, and make them believe? In each other.

To burn or not to burn....

Ok.
So court is over now. Im free of the bond that held me here. But jesus christ did I realize something today.

He came to court with his mom and dad. Ok, so he cant drive. So he should be there with someone. His mom tried to go into the court room with him. Man, I know what kind of man I need now. One that can make a move without taking his whole family with him. Fuck those people.

That asshole beat me like a rag doll for 4 years, and they never once did a damn thing to help me deal with him. But sure as fuck as soon as he mentioned leaving me because I refused to watch him drink every weekend, they ran up on the scene to his rescue. This is sick and sad in my opinion. Walking by me, giving me dirty looks. I just sat there laughing. I couldnt help myself. Any 34 year old man who brings his mother to court with him has just proved he isnt the man that they constantly are trying to convince him that he is.

So today I realized I need a man who isnt afraid to go to court without his mommy.

So, with all that being said. Id like to take this time to thank them for nothing. To thank them for proving how right I was not to trust another ignorant family with anything I am, or know, or might be one day. Thanks to them for proving that the world IS full of fucked up people because their parents dont raise them right. Thanks for showing me how very sickening you treat someone who did nothing but take shit off of your alcoholic son for 8 years. Thanks for proving that parents who enable their childrens mistakes and bad habits, are no different, and no better then the children themselves.



Just my opinion.
On a side note....
I am going to be taking a trip to Orlando Fla from December 10th to the 20th. Yay 4 me.

What kind of guy?

Well, I know what kind of guy I dont need.

I know I dont need one who is insecure. I dont need one who doesnt know how to treat females.
Hmm...

Is there such a thing as a man who is kind and gentle, you know, only in front of his woman is even fine. And strong and empathetic. Honest and still knows how important a white lie can be from time to time. "No your ass doesnt look fat in those pants" ... see, that was easy wasnt it?

A guy who knows how to make a woman happy in bed or out. And one that actually can handle his alcohol.

Ive tried the intelligence and forgotten about the looks. Ive tried the looks and forgotten about the intelligence. Neither of those has proved satisfying.

Hmm... I think I need a custom made one. Is there a factory for that? No I dont mean a sex toy factory either. I would like it to conversate from time to time.

Friday Nightzz

Beer

The real me

I hate having pictures taken of me. I usually let it happen though because I have had personal experiences where having a pic of someone no longer around and how it can ease your soul a bit when you need it. I keep an antique chest with mememtos in it of things like that. Photometal shot of Steve, A pic I took with a digital camera of my best friend Ben. But there is only one picture Ive ever seen of myself that I felt represented me for the most part. Some say it looks sad, but I didnt feel sad, just in depth, the natural me, observant and serious. Of course I have my up days or other pictures of myself where Im smiling and happy, but this is the me I feel is a true representation of my life, my heart and soul.




I also have a picture of a bad girl that is my favorite as well.



And finally, the pic I had no link to before, that my friend JLD a real web site builder :P, made of our previos boss at Maple Leaf Bakery. He is making a flash with the whole gang from MLB, and this was his first creation. Hes wearing the lab coats we had to wear from the bakery with the actual logo from the company on it.



And while Im exposing myself. Heres a tad O ink I got about 10 years or so ago. No its not the only piece I have but its definately the largest.




What ya think?

Angry Turkey Day v1.5

I made it all the way through T-day dinner. I was overwhelmed, and a tad disappointed. Hell at one point I even considering encouraging some dissention. I decided against it. I was the last person to leave, oh I mean I wanted to leave earlier, but I was battling the odds so I had to push the limit.

I even got to take some candy home in a nice tin. Dear god..., is that what they have all been getting all along if they dont get thrown out. Now Im pissed again. Thats 16 years since I left home, 16 tins of Candy and homemade cookies that I got jipped out of. 16 Angry Turkey days that could have been easily turned into "Eat an assload of turkey and take home some killer sweets" days. That sure as hell would have been easier to drag myself to.

What the Hell? v1.0

Just who the hell came up with the stupid saying of

"Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"

Ok, apparently whoever said this had been in love and was all happy in it at some point and felt this way about it. Fine. Im just saying, how could one person make that judgement for both sides. What about the people who have never loved? Maybe life would be easier if it was just a series of little crushes for some people. Maybe some people have to be in love, and some dont.

Just saying... what a judgemental bastard who said this. He gets a 'What the Hell?' two thumbs down from me.

The ghost of the past

I was listening to old music, pondering old games when I thought Id go ahead and shove myself towards my own mortality a bit by remembering some old things that I grew up with, old favorites, some scary stuff and such.

Pac-Man - God we were so addicted to that ridiculous shit
Zelda Nintendo 64
Dragons Lair - Arcade version (Damn that game, Damn it.. so many quarters..)
Gauntlet - Arcade version (nothing like 3 of your best friends helping you kick the crap out of a video game)
Haunted House - Pinball
Teen Spirit - Nirvana
My mind is playn tricks on me - Scarface
Skating Rings
Pre-Microwave and my refusal to eat leftovers
My old birth year Dodge Dart that we used to blare music from while jumping on the hood. (Still the best car I ever had) (or maybe just the most durable)
Florescent Clothing
Cords - Aka corduroy pants
Blue Eyeshadow
Pre-Contact lenses and the fact that I spent from 4th grade until age 21 or so not seeing a damn thing. HAHA @ all those who rode in my car during that time.
Scott Keaton - The boy from the group home with no parents, or a mom who was a crackhead back when crack scared the hell out of most people. Now its a recreational drug.
Crack when it killed people.
When Lead paint was a problem.
I remember Elvis dying. I remember being a tiny tiny kid and my sister and mother crying like it was the end of the world. I remember wondering wtf was going on.
Rat Tails - all the boys had them. Some girls did too.
Foot tall cans of hair spray. Ive never used hair spray. I bet a lot of my friends wished I had.
I remember everything being considered satanic. That is, everything except for people like Jim Jones who mass murdered people while the rest of the fanatics were out burning kiss records to avoid the devil.


That is all.

Score!!!!

Joys Soul - 1 Life - 0

Thanks to you.

Name that song... please?

Ok who knows the name or the artist that sings that song that says "I dont know about yall but I know about us and its the only way we know how to rah?"

Ok laugh all you want but name that damn song its killing me. Besides, I need something to blare as I pull up to my parents house for Thanksgiving. If I dont have something loud and obnoxious they might not tell me to get the hell out, then, well you know, Ill be stuck there.

Angry Turkey Day

3 things I am 100% sure I will hear at Thanksgiving Dinner at my parents house.

1. Joys here!
2. You always ruin our holidays
3. Get the hell out


Yep, I know it sounds sad and dysfunctional, well it is dysfunctional but its not sad anymore. Id likely be disappointed or concerned if I didnt get to hear numbers 2 & 3 exclaimed outloud at least once. They are also always sweet enough to let me eat first. My mom even usually shoves turkey at me as my dad is yelling for me to get the hell out.

The Ugly Truth

Ok, Im sure this is going to sound completely freakish to most normal redblooded american males but here goes.
I like cartoons, pretty much just the twisted acid influenced ones. Spongebob, Sealab, Family guy, Futurama, Venture Brothers. Those are my fav's.
I like to get a good drunk on from time to time. I dont get mean. I get nice, and sweetly honest instead of the usual sober brutal honesty.
I like burbon... Crown Royal and Beam likely the top two. And I love a bottle of Captain Morgans rum from time to time. A whole fifth can last me from 1 night to a month. Depends on my mood.
I enjoy drinking some beers, Coors light the fav, but can even guzzle on some Miller High Life or Busch on a Sunday afternoon hoping my Phillys keep kickin ass this year because they dont get to do that much.
I like porn. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes I raise hell about how hard the men on them are to look at. Ron Jeremy, ew... wtf someone explain that one and Ill give you a dollar. And yea, sometimes it turns me on too.
I dont get insecure. Well of course I have days where I feel like I have to fall out of the ugly tree just to get outside, but I dont put that burden on others around me. Somedays I enjoy the way I look and then I do reflect that to people around me.
I dont tell anyone what to do. I am a control freak only to myself. And I dont do a hell of a great job at that either. But thats just me.
I encourage my mate to go out with his friends. Even if it means going with the boys on a week long trip. I dont worry about what they are going to do. This refers back to the realization of control issue. I dont believe you CAN control another human beings actions. You can suggest, and hope, but under no circumstance can you make another person want to not do something they have in mind or in their heart. This is free will. I wont accept someone trying to take mine either.
I dont whine. Im almost under-emotional in comparison to a lot of women who dramatize their personal pain or issues aloud.
I love video games. Rpgs, RTS and Sims being my favorite. But I also enjoy football, mortal kombat and other kick ass games where you just get to beat the shit out of each other. Im damn good at them all.
Im a 'dont ask if you dont want to know kind of girl'. Dont ask me a question that you dont want the answer to or if its going to cause you to run your mouth at me later. I dont do that to anyone. A good example is probably, How many people were you with before me? Well, moron, no matter the number its going to cause mouth leakage. So just dont push your insecurities at me. That will push me away and fast.
I like all music pretty much. Not country, but if you are a decent person Id even deal with it with a shut mouth (Mostly) for your sake. So dont tell me you are going to jump out of my car if I dont turn off my devil music. At least wait until I pull over. Circa: Jim Davis 1991. 2 year relationship ended when he told me while driving down the road. Its Danzig or me. I let him out, never spoke to him again.
I require very little affection and attention. Of course I'll take all I can get, but I dont HAVE to have it. I dont make my man hold my hand or proclaim ownership when suddenly surrounded by overzealous slutty women. Again, this is where free will comes in. If he wants them, he wont have me.
I am self entertaining. Give me a book and I'll be out of your hair for hours. 300 pages would give you about 6 hours of Joy-less time. Give me a video game and you just earned yourself days of it.
I am one of the guys. There is nothing that can be said that would offend me. Believe me, all my guy friends sit around talking about their exploits right in front of me without a second thought.
I appreciate everything. From someone sharing half a pizza with me, to just some old pervert buying me a beer in a bar. And I say so whenever I can.
I'm not catty. If a chick is around me hitting on my man, I let him take care of it mostly. If outright challenged, well, Ill just break out crazy bitch and they seem to run away fast enough. A glare followed by a devious smile works wonders.
I never cause public humiliation or attention. If I was out with a date or even a friend who did something horrific to me in public. Id do the glare and smile thing, until we got home. Then out comes crazy bitch until Ive spoken my piece. And then its over and done.
And most of all, I do not suffer from jealousy. Believe me when I say that people have tried to inspire it in me. I just dont have that piece of brain that makes you feel that perhaps. Or maybe it goes back to the free will thing. Sure, Ive seen a rich lady driving a Jag and thought 'damn, I wish I had that'. But Ive never felt that green with envy shit.

Now here is the freakish part. Some guys would read this and go "Hey! Thats my kind of girl." And perhaps I would be, as a friend. As a lover though, these same things tend to be the reasons my relationships fail. Suddenly the cool chick you hung out with and watched porn with is a pervert for doing that same thing. The chick who could hang with the guys as just another guy just HAS to be a whore to have so many male friends that love her. The music, video games and cartoons are a sign if immaturity. Not needing affection suddenly becomes a sign of how I must be getting it elsewhere. The lack of jealousy or attempting to control becomes the #1 reason why I must be coldhearted and uncaring.

It doesnt make any damn sense anymore. Im convinced there is not a male out there who can handle me from day 1 that the friendship turns into more. I dont mean that in a bragging sort of way, because thats another thing I never do. Friends admire, respect and appreciate what I am. Lovers hate, and get jealous over what I must be doing wrong when they arent looking. You know the old saying, if you get accused of something for long enough, you might as well just do it. Well, Im tired of living that way too.

Well, Well, Well

Well I did talk to my friend. I explained to him that I considered him my friend, and that I didnt use that word too lightly. He asked if I was angry. I replied with 'do you think I had reason to be?'. Yes, he said. So onto the friendship. I also explained to him that he trusted me, and with good reason.

Then "Well, how many other people do you call friends that you trust?"
"None Joy."

My reply to that was that I was sorry for him because of that fact but he didnt want a friend who pitied him correct? I mean most people would be happy just having someone they can truly trust and depend on to help them through things. And that should he ever disrespect me again, he wouldnt even have that anymore.

This is what I meant when I said it takes most people a lot longer to learn how very important it is to appreciate. Some never learn. In my personal opinion, those are also the quickest to let life make them bitter.

Just my $492.00 dollars worth.

Reminds me

This only goes to remind me that there are people that are worth calling friends and there are some who just are not and never will be a true friend. When I think back to the wonderful friends that I have had and lost to many things, I realize that its possible to have more friends that good some day, its just not as probable.

I do also believe that the small world we trap ourselves into daily, the beaten path that gets us to and from our days and nights, we have ignored the fact that there are others just like us, even soulmates or friends who will never know each other at all. In the long journey that has been my blog, I have been trying to make meaning out of what I was supposed to learn from the deaths of my two best friends in the world. From the horrible feelings it evoked to the person it made me in the end. It has made me better I know, and worse as well. But in making me better it has definately taught me one thing, that I think it takes most of mankind far longer to learn. And that is appreciation.

Appreciate any and all connections you can make with other people. Remember that deep inside you truly know whether or not someone is really your friend. When you have a doubt, a hurtful one, it might just be time to let it go.

As always, if you set something free.... right? Well, thats how it is.

Wasting my time

Ok so it was an ominous premonition that I played this song over and over before I left for the day Friday. I was thinking of wasted time.

If in the last ten years I had back all the time I spent playing video games, what could I have done with that time? Gotten a degree? Maybe.

If I had all the time back that I spent on EQ?

If I had all the time back that I spent on wasted efforts towards friends or lovers that didnt earn those efforts?

Wow, thats a lot of time. Problem is, Ill never, or at least I hope I never stop playing video games. I want to be the granny on the block that can beat the holy crap out of any teenager on the block in Mortal Kombat or Madden 2k5.

Cant go back and take myself away from EQ, and for what its worth, it served much purpose and did its job for me for years.

The third one I decided was the only one I could change. So I set out to do so. I decided to demand a higher respect from the friendships I have. I decided that anyone I thought to label friend would meet and match the expectations of the very few other people I had used to describe that word in the past.

Then something ugly happened. A friend was too passive to take up for me, or stand up for our safety and rights to another friend who was careless with us, our well being and safety. I got angry that I was the only person there with balls enough to stand up and set the situation straight. I dont mind being the bitch. I dont even mind if she thinks I did it for the wrong reasons. The fact is I only give respect to those who I see deserve it, so when I do, I give it openly, but I do expect it in return.

A friend is a person who defends you, even when you may be wrong.

I believe I lost a good friend. When he calls me on Monday or Tuesday he will ask me if I am angry with him. I will either say yes outright, or ask him if HE thinks I have any reason to be. He knows I do. I seen it in his eyes when I left. He also knows Im not the type for do'overs, or to deal with being disrespected when it comes to the people I surround myself with. Im sure he thinks Ill never hang out with him again. So as of Monday when he calls, maybe tuesday. But I DO know he will call this week. When given the option of "Yes I am angry, now would you like to know why?" That will decide the outcome of this friendship. If he doesnt care enough to know, then I dont care enough to waste one more second on a friendship that is as needed in my life as 19 extra arms coming out of my nostrils.

Useless.

Ph33R M3H

Im kind of scared of this weekend. Im not quite sure whats going to happen but I know something will. This will be my last FFA weekend for a bit too. One way or another I am going to have to enjoy it. So in the spirit of having a good wrap up weekend to my Joy Season, I will begin it on Thursday. So thus far its been...

2 Coors light 22 oz.
3 Millers
1 round of Shell Shocked on the Xbox
1 night at my neices listening to my sister screech about how good lookin her new bf is.
1 night at my neices listening to my sister screech at the pic I showed her
1 night I couldnt stay awake past 1am.
1 muscle relaxer that made me feel like I had been laying down for hours, when I hadnt even taken my shoes off yet.
3 friends that made dragging myself back to home the boring hell hole not so miserable
1 cousin I got to talk to that is blood related to me and we hit it off beautifully. Hes going to take me to see some more family this weekend
Wasting my Time - by the band Default played 4 times while I checked all my fav blogs and got ready for a shower
20 bucks my dad is going to give me so I can enjoy whats Inc.
1 sad moment when I realize my joy causes at least one other person pain
1 moment of "fuck it" when I realized I shouldnt feel guilty at all.

Off I go~~

Nothing can do me in...

Nothing seem to kill me no matter how hard I try
Nothing is closing my eyes
Nothing can beat me down for your pain or delight
And nothing seems to break me
No matter how hard I fall nothing can break me at all
Not one for giving up though not invincible I know

I've givin' everything I need
I'd give you everything I own
I'd give in if it could at least be ours alone
I've given everything I could
To blow it to hell and gone
Burrow down and
Blow up the outside world

Someone tried to tell me something
Don't let the world bring you down
Nothing will do me in before I do myself
So save it for your own and the ones you can help
Want to make it understood
Wanting though I never would
Trying though I never would
Blowing it to hell and gone
Wishing though I never could
Blow up the upside world

Men & Women

I have a very important question for anyone willing to answer.

Is there anything about a man who hits a woman, that makes him a good man? Lets say the woman is really hard to deal with. Perhaps she isnt always straight forward with the man. Perhaps she she did some things that were rude, or wrong. Is there anything that justifies a man raising his fist, and pummeling her until she cant even move. Is there anything ok with the woman going to work, starting new jobs, with two black eyes from the abuse?

In your own life, in the life you share with no one, or your lady... is there ever any reason or right to be this? To abuse, to raise hands in anger.

If there is no justification for this abuse... then what should the woman do? Once shes been abused for years and years... where is her justice? What could she do at that time that would make it so she could live with herself again?

Burning bridges, one slab at a time.

Azathoth

Az

Im wondering if you have an email or use an IM to converse with, or if you strictly use your blog. I only ask because there are times when Im sitting here pondering the lameness life can offer and if it can entertain you only for a few minutes and keep your mind off things then it will serve a purpose bigger then what its serving me. Its only making me think Im less sane and more then a tad neurotic.

Anyhow, if you or bm or any of the local crazies there just need someone to help rant insanity at them so they can be secure in their own freakishness then hit my profile and use that email address there. Ill be around until something big kills me.

I ask because earlier tonight I was sitting here eating some homemade Quesadillas when I thought about you and hoped your day was going better then it has seemed to be lately. Sometimes when you are stuck in an ugly memory all it takes is a stranger with issues to make you feel better about yourself.

Remember the whole, "when you cant make life pay for its mistakes, make a friend pay, they wont hate you for it, life on the other hand, will kick you in the ass for it later" thing.

You've Been Warned

Im not sure why this silly test intrigued me so much but it did. And for some reason I feel like taking it apart in pieces might give me some insight into myself. Parts Ive been desperately trying to uncover for years.

'You serve with all your depth and darkness... '

'Feale

He is the Tilirreh of Black. Feale, the Twilight One symbolizes the soothing darkness that stands to emphasize the light. His eternal immortal opposite is Andelas, the Tilirreh of White. Feale rules a monochrome world without color. '

Without color. That is truly how I see my own soul, my aura, my hidden color or ruler. Im not a pinky or muave type of girl, nor am I so pointless as to be black or completely colorless. Im more or less just the opposite. In the scheme of things I can imagine a world full of females running around with their shiny pink aura's and a gaggle of men striding around with thier dark greens or blues. But in comparison to the thoughts those colors invoke, Im definately some abstract opposite there. Monochrome, weird but that color/blend has always drawn me to it. The web site I just finished making is slathered in it.

'Black is not a color but the absence of light and is the great void of the unknown. As such, Feale is not the final choice and your true color is yet to be revealed in the fullness of time.... '

This seems a tad frightening to me when I consider the depth of the comment. I do hope that I dont live in this monochrome atmosphere forever, but the idea of it changing only signifies that I, myself will have to change into one of those frilly colors that seems to go hand in hand with blind ignorance. I wonder what Ill look like ignorant...

'If you have a Feale-guided personality then you have known the deepest heaviest darkness of spirit, and an intensity of need beyond all, a hunger that like the void does not seem to have a means of being alleviated. '

From the get go. As a child given up for adoption and well aware of it from as early an age as possible, there has always been a very deep and dark heaviness within me. In the formative years where I found temporary reprive from it, inside of good whole hearted friends who seemed to fill that void, they were jerked from me too. It doesnt get any deeper. There has never seemed to be a way out of the void, or a means to feed the hunger. Nothing that last for me, nothing that last in my world.

'You are solitary, proud and lofty in your ebony tower that was once made of ivory. You seem to have found another path altogether which beckons others with its secret glamour. And yet inside you continue to burn without fulfillment, weighed down by the burden of need. You are a lady of darkness, beautiful in your mystery, in your remoteness, and compelling to the rest of us as we observe your fierce strength and impossible self-reliance. '

Scary. In life I once did live in that ivory tower. I was always perched above and beyond most of those around me. Not in an egotistical manner. Just a manner of living, breathing, doing something more then pure existance. To the point that others relied upon me, but still considered approaching me slightly more then out of reach on some things. Now because of the darkness in me, the ability to confront it, laugh at it, and taunt it with a big stick, people seem just as drawn to that too. Perhaps more, because the world knows that most are attracted to the dark and mysterious more then the open and obvious. The self reliance perhaps has caused more issue for me then anything. Im not sure why but a lot of men, I.E. in relationships, they tend to think wow, now heres a chick who doesnt NEED me, she doesnt HAVE to have me so she wont always be clinging to me or shoving herself up my ass. And then I get in a relationship with them and they are suddenly compelled into wanting me to do those things, cling, need, be unable to live without. But sadly, they never see that it was just the opposite that made them love me. And sadly it takes them years to realize that its just how I am, that I can love them endlessly, and Im never going to be that whiney, needy one that begs them to stay when they want to go. I always let them go. They have caused me to question myself of course. Is the letting go me being me??, or is it being weak and giving up? I think its just my ingrained personality and thats the way it will always be for me. The thought of saying something like "Oh please stay with me and care for me and be my knight in shining armor", makes me cringe inwardly. Im more the "sit down and stfu or get out of my life" type of person. I never said I was an easy person to live with. And I never said I could live with someone like myself. Id have killed me long ago.

'Secrets make up your existence. Often beyond your fortress of personal defenses lies overwhelming ice-cold loneliness and isolation, and powerful anger. And with no outlet, the anger torments you deeply in an endless cycle of pain. None but you and Feale ever know this, for he too knows your despair, and for that you trust him alone and none other. '

Trusting is a hard issue for me. Not because of any one person or event. Admittedly there have been more then one person and more then one event that should have caused me to swear off mankind forever. But its not in me to do so. That goes so against the redheaded forward nature of me that it makes me cringe to imagine myself just letting go and giving someone every bit of trust or affection that I have. Eerily, because of this, once I have given up or given in and some desperate ego has broken the personal defenses down, they find this ice cold isolated angry person they didnt want to find. Much better to go back outside and relax with the girl who let you do what you want, when you wanted to do it, instead of this ice cold witch who will burn bridges on purpose and with glee just to be rid of what you are considering making her become. Sorry, DALjr, but that one was for you pal.

'Taken to the extreme, darkness can seem overwhelming. The void appears ever-gaping with nothing to fill it. But remember that in the fullness of time nothing breeds only more nothing and is only a voluntary pause, that anger is a symptom of misdirected light, and that despair is merely a temporary choice to stand alone. Remember also that you are not obligated to be ruled by despair'

Madness how true this is. It seems Ive used anger like a pimp uses a whore. Ive only broken it out when all else fails and I cant seem to fight my way above the despair. It gives me nothing, I give it everything, and temporarily I am fulfilled into believing that Im doing the right thing, no matter how wrong it feels. Anger makes us believe we are doing the right thing when we feel our anger is pimping justice at the time.

'Bankers and businessmen, statesmen and politicians, warlords and conquering invaders, merchants and traders, moneylenders, entrepreneurs, amassers of material wealth and intellectual property and the hearts of others, manipulators of authority, judges, lawyers and professional deceivers, practitioners of the dark occult arts, all those who seek to change the world to accommodate themselves, and all those who have not discovered the means to be fulfilled, are guided by the vacuum that is Feale. '

Im sure at least one ex would say that I am the professional deceiver in this grouping here. But thats not the case at all. I do not deceive. It is their intentions and expectations that decieve them. I remain the same. That in itself can be hard to understand. We think that our existance in someone elses life will cause them to change irreversibly. But thats not the case with me. I remain the same, the same, the same, while they morph like caterpillars into a bitter broken butterfly who finds themselves flying solo because the little caterpillar they wanted to alter refuses to crawl into the cuccoon with them. I will not morph until I have no choice. Even then it will be an epic battle.

'More so than all the other Tilirr Personalities you feel pain and need, and carry the burden of suffering. For you have fathomed the Black Mystery of Feale that darkness is not evil but that which is incomplete and is yet to be filled — and thus for the moment you reside in its depths and embrace it as you continue to hunger for something still unknown to you. '

Incredible. But I am constantly accused of being evil for this reason. I have long ago decided that just because something is different, or odd, such as my abilities to reason with the anger or darkness, does not make it frightening or something to be avoided. More likely its something I investigate more into. Pour more energy into. "The darkness is full of light if you can but find it in the void, eyes wide shut, fist wide open and I will retrieve what is mine". Ive learned to do that. Find bliss in the void. Instead of fearing the darkness, or the things not considered white and goodness, I have found it holds the best secrets. The ones that you never expected to be there. They lie in the dark waiting for brave souls to find their secrets, and bravely my soul found them long ago. Most people come upon the darkness and skid to a halt, grind to a stop, and just stare into it, wondering whats in there for them. I told myself years ago that whatever was in there for me, Id find it and grasp it, or Id never touch it at all. This has remained true for many years now. When I was younger I would have given up much for this ability. The years I went friendless and alone because I was scared to just jump into that black hole and take what was mine, or lose what wasnt. I jumped in, I didnt always find what I was looking for. Sometimes I found things I didnt want, but the point is I found something. Thats more then most can say. If in the darkest moment of your life, you reach into the void and pull back a demon in your hand, you are still not alone. Some demons have pulled me into the light when the darkness had already swallowed me whole.

'You sorrow and wait for fulfillment.

As well you should, you who tread the most difficult of all paths of the soul, for we have all been you, and will be again, unto eternity, until we understand the final mystery of Rainbow.
You are not alone, friend.'

Perhaps this is the hardest part to read for me. Because as I stand in the void, the blankness, I tell myself I am alone. It makes it easier. I mean, if you are standing in the pitch black, you dont want to think others are there, just within reach, thats far more frightening then most fathomable things in my opinion. It gives me disgruntled hope to think that although I do feel I have always tread the most difficult of paths, that I must continue to do so, until the mystery is revealed. I suppose in my opinion, the mystery doesnt end until my life does. Ive always thought that the one moment of clarity comes to those who are perched on the brink of life and death. At least I can move on knowing that I cant sit around expecting an epiphany one cold December day in the middle of my life, but that I can move on, in void or in chaos, and know that at the end of the long dark purgatory like tunnel, there will come a day, the day of my death, that I get to see what I was looking for all along. I have no problems waiting. Patience, is the one virtue/curse, that I have an overabundance of.

****************************************

Thanks to anyone who reads this. And to those who actually understand it, then you must be living in this sort of monochrome existance that I reside in, have resided in for decades. I dont feel like the dark parts of myself are something to be hidden, or stifled, and I welcome others who believe that life is more then frilly rainbows and fluffy colors to be ruled by. I do feel that people approaching me deserve to know the full truth of what I am. Perhaps that is fueled by the pains I have cost others, or the trauma I have endured myself, but life isnt fair, and I dont intend to hold lifes hand in that partnership. No one should ever say, hey, I didnt know that girl was so ... odd. Because they should have been slapped in the face repeatedly with that fact in the first 3 minutes we spoke.

So /slap /slap /slap.

You've been warned~!

Redhead H8 Continues

GW Bush: u make me sick man
GW Bush: u f&#%$ slob SOB MF
GW Bush: I HATE RED HEADED PEOPLE
Joy: WTF MAN
Joy: NO

Weekends to remember

She came home on Friday, in the afternoon. Her dad was having a glass of wine and tried to dance with her, ballroom style to music like Busta Rhymes and Wu-Tang. She showed him how to dance to her music instead. He bought her a beer and told her he wished she would stay with him and give him someone to talk to tonight, but he understood she wanted to get out.

She goes to her moms house and talks to them for a bit. She's already decided shes not going to his house tonight. Its Friday and thus Uglyday at his house tonight. She remembers something his cousin said earlier this week and decides to call. "Hey, whats up," she whispers. Feeling like a teenage girl again instead of a grown woman. "Hey babe, just sitting here, what you going to do?" "Not sure, was going to ask you if you thought C would split that with me. I figured Id just call him or something, or you can, and Ill call you back." Silence. "Actually I need to find Kevin and get my check." Sounds like he wants her to give him a ride, so she sighs, takes a breath and ask. "Yeah please, I need to get over there before it gets too late." More sighs, and off she goes.

She gets over there and hes still inside. Cursing and putting her beer in the console she goes inside. If its possible to really curse and mean it while smiling, thats exactly what she did as she walked to the door. So the same old same old Friday night it is eh? Yes it is.

Saturday night was a lot better. Went to see some old friends play. Please click the title link for a link to Random Noise Generators website. These are a group of local guys, most that I grew up with, and are completely kick ass. Dan, go download any songs it will let you get, this is old school sepultura hardcore, doesnt get any better then this unless its because you have a 5th of Beam in your hand while you are watching them play. So back to Saturday.

These two have never even mentioned being serious or more then just friends to each other. But Saturday night seen something they had not experienced before. Jealousy. And no, not on her part, she doesnt get jealous much, rare, trust me shes the fucking Panda bear of jealous women. Very uncommon. JR another old friend just kept talking in cryptic words to them. So, are you guys.... ? They are friends they say.

So they go to Caywoods. She asks where Andy is. Hes coming! is the answer. Yay! Smiles, happy, get to see a good old friend.... whats with the silence. A glance over at him and he looks upset. He smiles crookedly at her and she goes, Andys a good buddy of mine, I miss him, cant wait to see him. He doesnt say a word. A lot of nice looking men around here... she keeps telling herself, smiling inside and out. She forgot what it felt like to be happy, to not be worried, to not have to earn love or work so hard to get it. Its just given to her here. Love, trust and friendship. You guys arent leaving are you? They asked. They just laughed and left for about an hour.

She knows she needs to find a pair of nuts and just tell him. Its like these two people feel exactly the same way about everything, about each other, but neither will just spit it the fuck out. She tells herself shes going to this weekend, at all cost. Screw it, its got to be done.

Sunday night, quiet, relaxed, fun.... weirdly couplish.

As the night wears on, 1130 and both tired. "Lets get in the bed." Sounds good to me. An hour later, relaxing, breathing... talking? Not really.

"You know I love you to death right?"
"Its just because of the sex"

She cant win. Its impossible.

Gingernuts!

What is Redism?
- the downside to being a redhead

If you're a redhead, you almost certainly had times at school when people picked on you, simply because you were different to everyone else. You were the one with red hair, and you were to be avoided at all costs. You supposedly had the short fuse, the unpredictable temperament and I bet you were the last one to be picked for any team too.

*The last line is not true. I was always picked first. Most of the time before most of the boys. But thats aside from the point since kids are the most opportunistic people on the planet. They wouldnt have cared if I had a hump growing off the side of my face if I could beat down all the mean kids in Kickball. Hum... maybe now I see the connection. Bad example.*

There were the taunts of "gingernut", "ginger" and "carrot-top". You may remember others. You could be walking along one day and some idiot with nothing better to do would call out across the street "GINGER!", leaving you to guess his I.Q. to be under 10. And did you ever wonder why you got called "carrot-top", when you could have sworn your hair wasn't green?

*What the hell wussy ass school did these kids go to? Gingernut? I would have laughed at that. It was the redheaded step child, red on the head as a dick on a dog shit that annoyed me. Red on the head means hot in the hole. Do you realize Ive been hearing that since before I knew wtf hole they meant? Gingernut.. lm...fao.. ro.. fl"

On the other hand

I have no balls. I just wanted to state that for the record. Thank you and Good Night.

Link to South Park MLB Style.

No kidding, click the link. Looks just like my old office manager where Jacque (JLD) worked.

Thanks to brainy people who have creative brain cells left

Thanks to a damn good old friend with brains the size of Texas for helping me with my first site. Click the link to see the site almost done :D

joy: this makes me wanna...
joy: beat myself in the face with a hammer
joy: how do you do this shit and still look so relaxed and calm n kewl
JLD: what stuff
joy: page, links, hyperlinks, html, bla bla ble ble KILL MEH NOW
JLD: ill help u ok
joy: ok lol
JLD: lmao
joy: r u laughin at me?
JLD: yeah mon
joy: lol
joy: why u look @ the site again?
JLD: no man
JLD: cool it
JLD: i gotta do a site tonight for the rastafarian rap lords here
joy: lol
JLD: cats eye inc
joy: wtf no that sounds frightening
JLD: your starting to remind me of that preacher in poltergeist movie that came out and touched that midget gypsy and fried her on touch
joy: hahhaa
JLD: so what do u do man
joy: a/s/l plz
joy: in my free time, I collect cans
JLD: wtf man
JLD: lmao shut up u are such a loser like right now
JLD: gosh
joy: did you ever know that your my hero?
JLD: sent u a tiff 458 kb maybe 5 min dl on crawl up to the dragon cave
joy: ok sweet
JLD: u get it mayyun
JLD: WTF MAN RESPOND TO ME OR DIE
joy: I HERE I HERE
joy: die bitch
JLD: wtf man
JLD: is it downloading
joy: roll out
joy: roll out
joy: yea
joy: yeah yeah damn
joy: i owe u a pile o sammiches yo
JLD: based on the current structure you have now?
joy: well... if possible., unless you have a better structure, because my structure is almost structureless
joy: i will owe you mucho sammiches mayan
joy: no kidding, come to the noake and ill take u to the shady new yerker
JLD: muchos
JLD: it is a touch shady isnt
joy: yeah, i think any place where the owner looks mad that you are there is a tad shady lol
JLD: u will say anything
Joy: bs lol
JLD: u f--- son of a b--- mf
Joy: if it was bs id say.. yo its bs
JLD: i was up in the noake saturday
Joy: dayam
Joy: should have went and had a sammich
JLD: i seen donna walking down patterson ave with a mini skirt in
JLD: on
Joy: HAHAAHHA
Joy: got the goods yo
JLD: really
Joy: downloading dvd software now
JLD: that was very slow
Joy: very
JLD: was it opened up?
Joy: the burg mail is slow
Joy: ?
JLD: still sealed
Joy: it was sealed
JLD: thought maybe sice i was mailing to a convict like yourself
Joy: haha
JLD: what the john
Joy: what the richard
JLD: what the poindexter
JLD: did u install suite?
Joy: not yet no
JLD: man wtf i oughta smack the
JLD: damn man u are old
JLD: when we going on that date
JLD: to the new yorker thug sandwich shop
Joy: Lol
Joy: whenever u want man
Joy: i wanna go for realz
Joy: having a sammich with ya would make my damn day
JLD: yeah mon
JLD: then we could go egg the jarozewski house
Joy: HAHAHAHHAHA
Joy: god... that would be awsome
JLD: i just thought of something ill
Joy: can u imagine how much he would shake when he seen it
JLD: what if i made a flash of him shaking trying to light a cigarette then peeping in windows, and emailed it to him and al anonymously
JLD: LMFAO LMFAO
Joy: Omfg
Joy: Oh man....
Joy: DEW IT
Joy: HAHHAHA
Joy: bcc me lol
Joy: oh mayan
JLD: i think i am maybe ill bcc all the execs
JLD: OH MAN it could take a week to make it but it would be worth it
Joy: oh man... so worth it
JLD: i should do it south park style.
Joy: omfg
JLD: snail mail and email
Joy: GOT IT BRB
Joy: ooh my god.....
Joy: thats incredible man
Joy: you are god
JLD: LMFAO man
Joy: omg... do Al, and Marty... omfg... TIFFY.... give her big ass fake red hair
JLD: what do u think
Joy: omg dude
Joy: thats INCREDIBLE
Joy: i swear.. it looks like him man
Joy: the lil frown did it
JLD: going down to maple leaf... i wish i could rig the song up
Joy: omfg....
Joy: tears man tears stop it yer killing me
JLD: have michelle come in and whip al like a biyotch
JLD: man this could be huge
Joy: HAHAHAHA
Joy: dear god man... u are genius
Joy: making bob listen to fifty cent
JLD: bob is pops
Joy: yep
Joy: u gotta meet pops man.. hes insane
JLD: lmao thats wild man
Joy: he likes it
JLD: does he read your ims?
Joy: hes 67
Joy: no lol
Joy: he dunno wtf to do with a pc
JLD: hes almost your age isnt he
Joy: wtfnhell
Joy: ,,,,
JLD: is that a bird man?
Joy: yea man
Joy: u got the bird for that comment
JLD: dag man
JLD: u wanna get married man?
Joy: sure man
Joy: to who?
JLD: me u smuck
Joy: your married man wtf yo
JLD: second wife
Joy: oh
Joy: u wanna harem?
JLD: yeah man
JLD: u down?
Joy: sure man. means i only have to do 50% of the womens work
JLD: or mistress (concubon)
Joy: sounds good to me
Joy: im down
JLD: concubon?
Joy: concubine
Joy: yea sure
JLD: alright YEAH
JLD: YEAH
JLD: YEAH
Joy: ok ok
Joy: calm down
Joy: now u got 2 women to listen to them bitch
Joy: poor no foresight having bastid
JLD: aint that the truth
Joy: lol yea
JLD: never mind
Joy: hahahahaha
JLD: i already got grays
Joy: u need what i need
Joy: a deaf dumb and blind spouse
Joy: no talking, its not permitted
JLD: hahahaha
JLD: that sounds like a blow up doll
Joy: hmm
JLD: u can do this instead ok
Joy: ok
JLD: go to your shared border
JLD: delete the gray box
Joy: good your finally gonna give me the retard way to do it, its been 3 fuckin days mayan
JLD: then go to the insert menu and insert flash movie
JLD: or something like that
JLD: LMAO
JLD: shut up man
JLD: :@WTF Man respond to me before i destroy u
Joy: lol bob was yackin
JLD: well u got it down now i see
JLD: bizznob
JLD: to the rizznob


Ok, I know no one else cares to read all this chit but me, but damn that guy is genius. Going to upload the south park pic he made and post under this.

Quote of the Day

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
~Brooke Shields~

Who gets mystified?

I wanted to make a list of favorite music for different occasions but I dont want to get list happy. I am only giving 3 good songs each, perhaps not the #1 songs in my book even, just damn good ones for those special occasions. So here goes....

Songs to drink hard liqour to:

The Ocean - Led Zepplin
Have A Drink On Me - AC/DC
Sickman - Alice in Chains


Songs to drink a beer to:

Cheap Sunglasses - ZZ Top
Been Caught Stealin' - Janes Addiction
Smooth - Santana


Songs to drive to:

Call Me the Breeze - Lynard Skynard
Ty Cobb - Soundgarden
Roll out - Ludacris

Songs to Enrage you into an assault and battery charge if listened to after the beer or liquor songs and/or attempted manslaughter charges if used in conjunction with Songs to Drive to:

Damn that River - Alice in Chains
Cuban Necktie - Cypress Hill
I Fucking Hate You - Godsmack

Songs that should get you a kick to the crotch, followed up by a swift backhanded pimp slap across the face, if you Karaoke them in a bar:

Slim Shady - Eminem
Are You Lonesome Tonight? - Elvis Presley
Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye


If you can drive to Ty Cobb completely in your right mind and not mash the gas pedal just a wee lil bit then you are not a normal human being. The same goes for slaughtering the lyrics of any truly GOOD artist in a drunken Karaoke frenzy. Im not quite putting Eminem in the same catagory as Elvis or Marvin Gaye on a genre basis, but strickly on a trend setting time of release basis.

I guess I know

I miss you when Im not with you. I think about your smile, your face, your body. I sit around talking myself into calling you to tell you these things, then I talk myself out of it just as quickly. I know you aren't, cant possibly... be right for me. But suddenly I dont care. All the things I know, all the things Ive learned about you over the years, those dont matter anymore. When I see you, I smile, deep inside. When Im so close to where you are, but cant come touch you, I feel so empty, in the same spot I can smile from when you are near. When I can see you, my eyes, my brain, fills up on you. I just dont know how to tell you this stuff anymore.

God, sound like a damn soap opera dont I?

Honored

I am honored by a friend who wrote a poem dedicated to me. I hope he doesnt mind me posting it here, it gave me a better feeling then Ive had in quite some time.

Here's To Joy
Joy Is...
That Warm Feeling In My Heart When I Know You Are Listening.
Talking To You, Sharing With You, For Better Or Worse
Knowing There Is Someone Out There That Cares
Knowing I Can Say Anything I Feel, Even On My Darkest Day
Helping To Carry A Friend
Having A Friend Help Carry Me
Going Out At 10:00 TO Share A Moment With A Distant Friend
Waking Up In The Morning, Blogging My Heart Away
Joy Is A Kindred Soul, I May Never Meet, But I Will Always Know
She Can Never See My Tears
But I Know She Sees My Soul
Joy Is My Friend..



Im always listening, Im always here.

Something in the way...

Something in the way he moves.

The rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps. Brushing his hand through his hair. Walking across the room. His hands as he grasp the glass he is drinking from. His eyes, eyelashes, lazy and sultry as he looks at me.

Very few words, no arguing, no hatred.

Whats wrong with this picture?

Some things...

Some things are better left undone... like pants.

Sometimes, you can love someone near to death, and just never take the time to tell them so. I heard someone say this weekend, "Im not worth the time it takes to love me." And I thought, wow, I feel the same way about myself.

Harsh Truth kid

Which of the Lords of Rainbow do you serve?

Sums me up in a nut shell

Devil Girl

This is just for you DAL. I knew you would like it, and heartily agree. Just wanted you to have something solid to remember me by :)





Which of the Lords of Rainbow do you serve?

www.LordsOfRainbow.com

Thursday and Stupid Questions

I plan on celebrating National Kick to the Crotch day on Thursday. Thanks to Dan for inspiration. Please click the blog title to find out how to celebrate with me.

Me, Xanax and my shadow

Friday is National Xanax day!
Well maybe not National, but in my world it is.

Redhead H8

So I did a little research and found out a few interesting things about redheads. While most may laugh at these assumptions and such, I remain confused. Not in a blond kind of way, but in an angry frustrated, gimme a baseball bat so I can show you how red my hair is kind of way.

"Oxford researchers believe that ALL redheads inherited the gene from European Neanderthals. Based on rate of gene mutation, Oxford says the redhead gene appears to be much older than Cro-Magnon man in Europe. The accepted explanation is that the Celtic tribes had a strong remnant of Neanderthal blood caused by Cro-Magnon/Neanderthal interbreeding."

Ok wtf...so its not bad enough that Im devil spawn, now Im inbred before inbreeding was so popular? And a cromag girl to boot.... Brb, checking my forehead for cranial lumps and protrusions!

"While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats." MARK TWAIN "

Ok Mark Twain 1 - Oxford Researchers 0

"If you want trouble... find your self a redhead."

Ok I dont know who said that but that SOB is a dirty bastard, hes right, but still a dirty bastard.

"Natural redheads make up only 2 percent of the U.S. population. The country with the most number is Scotland with 13 percent, followed closely by Ireland at 10 percent."

Great, just what I needed, to stand out...

"Most hair stylist can tell you, redheads have some of the thickest hair, not the most number of strands but the thickest. An average head of hair has about 100,000 strands. Redheads average 900,000; blondes 120,000."

Great, even better... so I stand out and have a huge red afro.

"Red hair has not always been a good thing. During the "Mid-Evil Ages" thousands of redheads were burned as witches simply because of hair color."

And we know from previous research that when they went to hunt them down, they sure as hell didnt have a hard time finding them.

"Britain's Queen Elizabeth I, historians say, was the first to make the hair color popular, though we know it has been around at least 3,000 years because of redheaded mummies found in China."

Oh neat! Wait, I know history. History says that around 1000 B.C. the mongols (Asians) made a habit of trekking to what is now Ireland and Scotland to STEAL redheads because there was a myth that they held unnatural powers that could make a person immortal. But once they got them there, found them to be powerless, they tortured them to death. Thanks to ancient times that they only got to snatch a few here and there. Just imagine how many dead redheads they would have found if they had those snazzy double decker buses back then.....

And last but not least. I found this interesting tidbit that Bruce Springsteen ranted out an unknown amount of time ago....

"Man, you ain't lived
Till you've had your tires rotated
By a redheaded woman"

JUST WTF DOES THAT MEAN???

Truant Me

Well Aza was right. I put in my request to give up. Shortly afterwards lifes truant officer came to my door. He told me that I had filed the wrong paper and sent it to the wrong office. Then he asked me to step outside with my hands up. Being a stubborn redhead of course I refused. Before I knew it, he had me on the ground, Rodney King style, telling me to stop trying to get up. Get up? I wasnt even trying. I just laid there. Then the neighbors, my friends, and even those damn cats my dad talks to when he drinks wild irish rose came and joined in. They beat me like the proverbial redheaded step child that I am. Balled into the fetal position, bloody and worn out all I remember was the officer yelling over and over, Ma'am quit trying to get up! He broke out his can of everlasting mace and sprayed me directly in the face. As I began cursing him for the government dog that he was he informed me that had I only filed my request to give up at the federal building, I wouldnt have had this problem. He also told me that it was because I was a redhead that I got the beating. He said that the blonds only get a quiz.

So, what Im wondering is this. Is it just in my world, in the dusty redneck hills of Va that there is this redhead h8? Im serious. Dont laugh. Ive been treated very oddly at times in my life. Women glare at me, men give me the "eye" when I dont even know them. You know, the "Hey I know what you are all about eye", and I could be sitting there without a thought in my damn head. I once had a woman in a check out line glare at me so furiously that I got enraged and asked her "Whats your damn problem??" She replied, I dont like redheads so I dont like you. I remember laughing because she had fake ass dyed red hair. I looked at her hair, I looked at her eyes, back to her hair, back to her eyes... nothing. It didnt register.

When I was about 7 or so. I had a lady tell me that redheads were "of the devil." Then she looked me close in the face, seen that my eyes were different colors and informed me that a couple hundred years ago, my hair and my "discolored eyes" would have gotten me burned at the stake. I guess she was catholic because she made the sign of the cross as she backed away. Never turned her back on me. Oh, this was in a church parking lot.

See what I mean? Dont lie, why the h8?

And another thing...

If I have to hear one more time.. If life throws you lemons.... make lemonade!

No, hell no. When life throws lemons at me... I pick them up, squeeze all the damn juice out of them, stalk life like the low life scum it is, hold it by the neck, and squirt all that damn citric acid RIGHT IN ITS FUCKING EYES.

Do I seem bitter today or what?

Just when you think...

Just when you think everyone is a piece of rotten shit... someone pops and up goes... Hey.. Look at me over here... Im waaaay worse then that!

Thanks to all the rotten pieces of trash out there for proving me right. Oh, you know how a man goes, "You always think you're right dont you!" On this subject.. Yes.. yes I am!

I give

Today is the day I officially give up.

So I can do this now eh?

Interesting, very interesting.

On a side note, all members of the female gender, are spontanious tricksters that know not what ye be messing with... or maybe you do and get some enjoyment out of the confused looks of onlookers. I don't get it, I just don't get it

Blog Under Construction

If you need to get in touch with me, email at dragoncave@msn.com while this blog is suffering my web designing wrath~

10 reasons why I might not be good partner material

1. I dont have to have someone around me all the time. I do enjoy perfect, and uninteruppted solitude.

2. Sometimes I laugh at entirely inappropriate moments. Not outloud usually, just that I do it is enough to make me wonder exactly how freakish I am.

3. Im the one in my group of friends whom people always urge to tell someone off, or to lay something out for someone who needs to be told. Its almost expected.

4. I will agree as of today, that redheads can truly be the most evil of females on earth.

5. I have learned to appreciate the last statement.

6. I have the thickest skin in the world. People around me sometimes look me in the eye when they push what are normal limits, just to see if they finally found the one thing thats going to make me react. Its never works.

7. I have the innate ability to totally shut out the outside world. I can be entertained for hours simply by my own mind, thoughts and vivid daydreams.

8. To complement the above ability, I also have the further ability to totally forget, lose or dispose of ugly or unwanted memories to include events, relationships and not limited to eliminating bad years of my life in their entirety.

9. I crave knowledge of everything, all things. I have to have a partner with a very high amount of intelligence and common sense, without those two things even a golden adonis hasnt got a chance to do more then have me stare at him a few moments, and then walk away, laughing inappropriately.

10. I often appear cold and unfeeling because I dont whine, cry, or break down into a feminine ball of needy substance no matter what turmoil I face. If I do, its always alone and no one the wiser, except for me.

11. None of the above 10 things has ever done anything to contribute to any relationship Ive ever been in. So is it me, or is it them who cant cope with that?

5 things Ill do this week to keep my Soul young

1) Wear my neices clothes (The goofy ones)

2) Watch Sealab and Family Guy fanatically (nuff said)

3) Eat total crap and call it a meal. Potato chips and Little Debbie cakes preferably. (Yay for losing weight, time to eat!)

4) Refuse to listen to the first person who tries to make sense out of something senseless. (Hopefully to be followed up by a long soap opera stare and a slow nod while backing away)

5) Scream Wooohoo every time I get in the truck to leave the house (Sounds stupid but when other people catch you doing it, and you are alone... well they give you that look.. that reminds you of the way everyone stared at you when you did some dumbass moron thing as a kid. That look makes me giggle. I definately need a few good giggles to get through this week)

Light and Dark

On the dark side


You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.(If you can't see
tje pics, go to my homepage and look near the
bottom and find your result)


What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla


Your aura shines Orange!


What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're like a dragon. Dragons where the terrible
creatures that lived in large caves and often
swooped down out of the sky and stole sheep,
cows, and even people from the countryside to
eat. They were gigantic with spikes along the
back and tail. Some had wings, legs, and the
ability to breathe fire. Even in the Bible, the
Levithian resembled something like a dragon so
they may have actually existed. Dragons were
loyal protectors that were more powerful that
any other animal that ever lived. Some where
peaceful and others just wanted to destroy. The
pest control for dragons were Knights who were
appointed the task of killing a dragon. Some
stories tell us that eating the dragon heart
let you claim victory in any battle or eating
the tongue would allow you to win any debate.
(If you cannot see the picture, go to my
userpage and look near the bottom. There should
be the picture and description for all the
results)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla


On the bright side

What kind of love are you?

You are mysterious love. You wants things to be a
bit deeper, a bit more emotional. You want to
explore, to try more things. You don't want to
settle for just one good thing. Your love is
mixed messages.


What kind of love are you?
brought to you by Quizilla




Ok well I guess he is right. There isnt much of a bright side to me.

Miss that too

I need sex.

Would any of you normal folks.... meaning Wayne, Dan, George and other normal folks, think I was crazy if I said I missed him one more time? The sigh, the sex, all of it?

Things to appreciate

1) I have good friends that care about me. They ask me whats wrong, if Im ok.
2) Being called Baby. "How are you doing today baby?" No matter what sex it comes from it just feels good.
3) GOT MY TEETH FIXED-N-CLEANED. Almost cried like an idiot. Dentist is great. No pain! She did the cleaning for free because I told her I was job hunting and it was hard to find a GOOD job with teeth like that. Cried from happiness all the way to Moms.
4) Weigh 145 lbs! First time in YEARS Ive weighed that little. Crash diets can be appealing. Walking a lot also knocks off all that extra ass Ive been carrying around with me. No more love handles!~
5) Having a couch to sleep on. Much better then the hard cold ground I believe.
6) Loving myself. Its getting a lot easier with all of the above going on.
7) Being loved. I am patient. I can wait. I can wait for years and years if I have to. If its worth it. How will I know when its worth it? When I find someone who goes...

Hey Baby, how are your friends doing? Wow, your teeth look great! Did you lose some weight? Dont sleep on that cold hard couch. I'll get you a nice warm bed to sleep in. I love you. I love what you are. I love how you talk, walk, smile and cry.

Thank god for patience. Or I would have been dead long ago.

Miss

Sigh

I miss him

That one ugly word

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time
Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Gave it all away

If I gave it all away,
Just for one thing.
It must be something.

Should I do it?

Well I havent seen Kt in a while now, I think its been two weeks today. His ex-gf has been over there as usual leeching all his money, sitting there with her current bf, pissing him off. Ive just tried to avoid the drama a bit. But I feel like I owe it to someone who really is a friend first to be supportive. He does tend to share things with me he wouldnt others. And EVEN though a mutual friend told me about him being with someone else last week... I am wondering if I should remember I am a friend first and call and ask how hes doing?

We have never made any commitment towards each other, thats kind of the point. But again, hes a friend.... ok ok I should call right....

Root Canal for teh Win!~

Mmmmm

Root canals are the bomb!~

Almost as good as a full fledged manwhore!

Herts

Manwhore gave me a nasty cold. Sore throat, ear ache.

Boys are dirtee

How does this sound?

Ok So I dreamed up this conversation to have with Kt next time I go over there.

Kt: Something wrong Joy?
Joy: No.
Kt: Are you mad at me?
Joy: I have no right or reason to be mad at you.
Kt: Then what are you mad at?
Joy: Myself.
Kt: Why?
Joy: For caring.
Kt: About me?
Joy: Yes.
Kt: I didnt know
Joy: Well now you do
Kt: So why are you mad at yourself for that?
Joy: BECAUSE YOU ARE A MANWHORE, HOOKER, PUBLIC PIECE O MEAT?
Kt: Oh.


Sound fair?

Evil Justice

We ought always to deal justly, not only with those who are just to us, but likewise to those who endeavor to injure us; and this, for fear lest by rendering them evil for evil, we should fall into the same vice.

Why Me?

I know anyone looking at this title and knowing how my last week has went would think Im pitying myself again. Im not. Im actually wondering why people like me, or want to be my friend, or want to help me. I feel blessed and cursed all at the same time. Cursed in life but blessed in the people who surround me.

So enough of the poor me shit right now. I just wanted to get it typed in here before I pass out that I appreciate all you do. All the talking and comforting you do with and for me. I dont know what I did to deserve it. Probably nothing. But I think Im sleeping tonight with not such a heavy heart because I know that even if the people I run into daily, face to face, wont be there for me then I always have you guys. Here, IM, email. On a night when I would have laid on my dads couch grinding my teeth against the world, I get to lay down, smile through my tears, and know that if worst comes to worst, then I have the best of the best here for me, just when I need them the most.

I was waiting until tomorrow @ 5pm to see what was going to happen. I already know. He had the order extended by 14 days. But instead of raging through my tears, Ill just remember that there are people here for me, to get me through all of this. Ill try to remember always. Its desperately hard, but Im trying. For me, but a lot for you too. Its easy to disappoint myself. Its not so easy to disappoint those who know I have the ability to stand above this mess. Thanks to you for your faith in me, when I no longer have it.

Help Meh

I still have no idea what I want. I joked with a friend yesterday that women, no matter the age or situation never really figure out 100% what they want. I said it jokingly, but its not a joke to be honest. Im no tittering little girl, I know the difference between lust and love, relationships and acquaintances.

Noithing has ever come close to the satisfaction I achieve when Im near Kt. Yet nothing feels quite so empty as having to walk away, over and over. Last night while laying with Kt I told him he was sweet. He asked me what that was supposed to mean. Lol. Men are freaks. It means hes sweet. Better then me calling you a dick right? was my reply.

While at the Shenendoah yesterday several people entered the bar and came right to me to greet me. The bartender laughed and said "Is there anyone that doesnt know you?" It got me thinking. I suppose there are people who dont know me. I guess those are the lucky ones.

Right now, Id welcome death. Embrace it. Ive done irreversible damage to those who thought it safe to love me. Nothing is safe around me. Nothing.

Alternate Ending - V.1

Well as things go I sure didnt break out my ghost balls this weekend. And I think the time has come to back up a little bit and give the relationship that refreshing break that makes it what it is.

I wont be doing that "oh so fun" thing again for a few weeks, maybe more if I dont hear from him.

As usual, it was fun, and Id do it again. :)

She will be loved

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehowI want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Connections of a different coat

I am pondering the connections here. I think I realized about 24 hours ago what had been disturbing me so long. Maybe its just my nature I suppose but I finally decided.. the relationship Ive been dealing with and acting so freaky about has held one single meaning for me.

I wanted a relationship that I could enjoy, appreciate and without the demands of love as some type of justification. No ones well meaning but otherwise moralistic values being pushed into my freedom. I got to admit, no matter what happens from today on.. that I got to enjoy something that most people will not get to or never allow themselves to.

I know that from the most simple to the massively complex types of intelligence, there is wisdom in experiencing things abstract from the usual as it opens up possibilites that you have yet to dream of.

Gah~

Of course I didnt call.

God Im such a dork!

Crazy Pete and Old EQ friends..

So today I am trying to talk to Dan on IM. And he is calling me random names and just generally making it seem like Im talking to some jaded old 90 year old man.... and I have an epiphany. Yep, I said that word. Thats it right? Ok so the great thought came to me all the sudden.

I've always been a master at hiding real feelings. I never really set out to intentionally deceive or mislead, but in self protection of course I do hide things. I'd say Im damned near expert at it. Ive had that tossed at me as an insult more then once but Im not entirely sure it is. I can be insanely angry, and sit quietly for hours grinding my teeth perhaps, but without comment. I can be morbidly depressed and still smile and make small talk at work, to Michael, whoever calls me at home. I can smile at corporate leadership while they calmly make plans to do things that will eliminate my job... and still work with them for another year :p... and hell, I can even nearly force myself to believe I feel nothing when I feel just the opposite.

But Ive realized today, the one thing you cant hide is happiness. The kind where you truly get one good moment in time to not give a fuck. Ok, maybe that sounds bad but I dont see it that way. I simply mean that nothing touches you, you feel above it all. Above the usual things that would bring you down, and then some. Then I realized I lived under this cloud of fear and control for so long, that it must look INSANE to someone who sees me often but doesnt really know whats going on with me.

My Dad Bob this weekend when I went over there with a few friends... said all loudly of course, that he hadnt seen me this happy in a long time. Ok, sure I was a bit tipsy, but I did feel good.

Ok but this has to be wrong. Well it is, Im not divorced yet and I certainly act as if I am. But having seen friends drop off the face of the earth nearly before my eyes, I just cant bring myself to live in misery of another persons problems or even a knot Ive tied myself into.

How sad though too at the same time you know? If you suddenly today, started laughing a lot, smiling more then usual, not letting the little things get to you, enjoyed everything, and rubbed your feelings off on other people, on purpose... even seemed to sleep less and take more time with your appearance.... wouldnt someone in your life notice? Ask you what was new or what had ya so happy?

Weee :p